These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
Harley Davidson dies, and goes to heaven.
One day, he finds himself talking to God.
God says You know Harley, I really like you bikes.
There was only one thing wrong with them – the inlet was too close
to the exhaust.
Harley replied I couldnt find any way around that, though
I notice that you had the same problem with women, you know, inlet
to close to the exhaust.
God gets pretty angry at this, and snaps back
I bet more people rode my model than yours!
Once a job is fouled up,
anything done to improve it will make it worse.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.
Happy Birthday Uncle Dad.
BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
THINGS I CANT AFFORD by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY – by Dennis Rodman
THE WILD YEARS – by Al Gore
AMELIA EARHARTS GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
AMERICAS MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
DETROIT – A TRAVEL GUIDE
DR. KEVORKIANS COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
ALL THE MEN IVE LOVED BEFORE – by Ellen DeGeneres
MIKE TYSONS GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
SPOTTED OWL RECIPES – by the Sierra Club
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS – by O. J. Simpson
MY BOOK OF MORALS – by Bill Clinton
There was a devote Islamic man who did his prayers five times a day.
Now, the first prayer was rather early in the morning, but he was always awake in time because the prayers were important. One morning, however, he was about to sleep though his prayers, when there was suddently a noice in the closet.
Realizing he was late, he quickly got up and said his prayers. After he was done, he went to look in his closet, and there was Iblis (the Devil).
The man said Iblis, were you the one that woke me up?
Iblis said Yes.
The man replied Well, why didnt you let me sleep through my prayers?.
And Iblis replied Well, I thoguht about it, but then I realized how bad youd feel, and how youd try and make it up to God, so I decided Id better wake you up.
Knock Knock! Whos There? Dwayne. Dwayne Who? Dwayne The Bathtub and Im Dwowning!
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I cant help but cry. I mean Id love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
— singer Mariah Carey.
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
— Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana… The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but cant remember what they are.
— Matt Lauer on NBCs Today show, August 22.
I havent committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
— David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
Smoking kills. If youre killed, youve lost a very important part of your life.
— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
Ive never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
— Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
— Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued… Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.
— Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid.
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nations history… this centurys history…We all lived in this century. I didnt live in this century.
— Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.
Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.
— Chicago Rotary Club journal, Gyrator.
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. Its only the people who make them unsafe.
— Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.
Ive always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted.
— Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
— Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.
The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
— Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane.
At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets.
So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself.
The stewardess said, Im sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub.