That wife of mine is a liar, said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
How do you know? the friend asked.
She didnt come home last night and when I asked her where shed been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley.
So?
So shes a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley.
These are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers.
Grand Canyon National Park:
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom – where is it?
Is the mule train air conditioned?
So where are the faces of the presidents?
Everglades National Park:
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two oclock bus leave?
Denali National Park (Alaska):
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
Mesa Verde National Park:
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
What did they worship in the kivas – their own made-up religion?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?
Carlsbad Caverns National Park:
How much of the cave is underground?
So whats in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this – just a hole in the ground?
Yosemite National Park:
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?
Yellowstone National Park:
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends
Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up
Q. What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A. Getem on their back and their both fucked.
Q. What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A. A blow job with handlebars
Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.
Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.
Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
A. A wine and cheese party!
Q: How do you make a chainsaw sound like a bari-sax?
A: Add vibrato.
Q: What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford?
A: They both became president without being elected.
When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Computer Programmers
DOCTORS
Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so dont expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, hell run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients who is pretending to be sick. Hell wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this.
This is not a problem with your programmer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely hell ever meet another woman in his profession.
LAWYER
Do you seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying?
Once again, this is not a problem with your programmer spouse. He doesnt have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.
SALESMAN
See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc, where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Dont be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show.
The company that your programmer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.
HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.
Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc, just about the time you are at your sexual peak.
The only hazards that your programmer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp. And when you ask Honey, were you looking at her? hell honestly be able to say that he didnt even see her.
TEACHER
The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. Hell be in jail soon, and then youll have to look for another man.
knock knock
whos there
interupting moo cow
interupting moooooooooo
Litle Johnny was going to the bathroom at school. When he went to wipe his butt there was no toilet paper. So he wiped his butt with his hand and figured he could just wash his hands off. But the water wouldnt run and there was no paper towels. So he held his hand in a fist and walked back to the classroom. Then the teacher asked, Johnny, whats in your hand?
A little leprechan and if I open my hand hell get away.
Johnny, the teacher said, if you dont tell me whats in your hand you are going to be sent to the principals office!
Too embarrassed to open his hand, Jimmy elected to get sent to the princapals office instead. The principal asked, Johnny, whats in your hand?
A little leprechan and if I open my hand hell get away.
Johnny, if you dont tell me whats in your hand right now you will get sent home, said the principal.
So he got sent home and his dad asked, Johnny, whats in your hand?
A little leprechan and if I open my hand he will get away
Johnny, either you tell me right now whats in your hand or Ill beat you and your imaginary leprechan…
Little Johnny finally opened his hand and said, Look dad… you scared the poop out of him!
Wife:
In Des – A woman who gives you your underwear and towel when you go to take shower.
In Pardes – A woman who yells at you not to leave tub dirty when you go to take a bath.
Son:
In Des – A teenager, who without asking will carry your grocery bags from the market.
In Pardes – A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of homework when you start mowing the lawn.
Daughter:
In Des – A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes when she is getting married.
In Pardes – A lovely doll, who brings you to tears long before any marriage.
Mother:
In Des – A woman who defends you and cares for you, but would not dare to go against your fathers wishes for you.
In Pardes – A women who is a sucker for anything you want, especially if dads against it.
Father:
In Des – A person you are afraid of, and who is never to be disobeyed.
In Pardes – A person to whom you pretend to obey, after all he is the one paying your college tuition.
Desi Engineer:
In Des – A person with a respectable job and lots of upper ki kamai.
In Pardes – A person without a secure job, who always dreams one day he will be rich.
Desi Doctor:
In Des – A respectable person with reasonably good income.
In pardes – A money making machine, who has a money spending machine at home called doctor di biwi.
Bhangra:
In Des – A vigorous Punjabi folk dance.
In Pardes – A desi dance you do, when you dont know how to dance.
Combatting stupidity
You too can do housework
PMS – Learning when to keep your mouth shut
How to fill an ice tray
We dont want sleazy underthings for X-mas… Give us money
Understanding the female response to you coming in at drunk at 4:00am
wonderful laundry techniques (formally titled Dont wash my silks)
Parenting – no, it doesnt end with conception
Get a life – learn to cook
How not to act like an asshole when youre obviously wrong
Spelling – even you can get it right
Understanding your financial incompetence
You – the weaker sex
Reasons to give flowers
How to stay awake after sex
Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but in the washroom
Garbage – getting it to the curb
You can fall asleep without it if you really try
The morning dilemma – if its awake, take a shower
Ill wear it if I damn well please
How to put the toilet lid down
Give me a break! – Why we know your excuses are bullshit
The weekend and sports are not synonyms
How to go shopping with your mate without getting lost
The remote control – overcoming your dependence
Romanticism – other ideas besides sex
Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
Mothers-in-laws – they are people too
How not to act younger than your children
You too can be a designated driver
Male bonding – leaving your friends at home
Honest, you dont look like Mel Gibson – especially when naked
Changing your underwear – it really works
The attainable goal – Omitting %$#@+! from your vocabulary
Fluffing the blankets after farting is not neccessary