Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips
Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are
double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasnt dorm food.
Pauls Letters to the Romans become Pauls E-Mail to the Romans.
Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
The place where the end of the world occurs, not the Plains of
Armageddon, rather Finals.
Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didnt
want to ask directions and look like a Freshman.
Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh,
He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled
an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.
Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight?
A: Runs away from the draft.
Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that hes going to divorce his wife.
Good grief, says Jim, you and Sue are the happiest couple I know! Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?
Well, replies Fred, truth be known, Im just bored with screwing the same hole night after night after night. I guess Im hankerin for a bit of variety.
Jim replied, Well, if you want variety, why dont you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?
Fred says, What? And have a house full of kids?
Q:What dog goes into a corner everytime a bell rings?
A:A Boxer Dog
Q: What do you call a prostitute that doesnt
care about money?
A: A blonde
Tape the remote control between his toes.
A woman puts an ad in the paper for a husband. In her ad she includes the three
things that shes looking for in a husband:
She wants a man who wont beat her.
She wants a man that wont leave her.
She wants a really great lover.
A few days later the doorbell rings. The woman opens the door to find a man with
no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair on her porch. She says, How may I help
you?
He replies that he is there to answer her ad in the paper.
She says, Oh, but I am looking for a man that wont beat me.
He replies, I have no arms. How can I beat you?
She says, Ok, but I want someone who wont leave me.
And he replies, I have no legs and if you take away my wheelchair I cant even
move. How could I leave you?
She nods her head and says, Well, what I really want is a great lover.
The man looks at her and says, Lady, how do you think I rang the doorbell?!
A little old lady was walking down the street, and she kept repeating, 21, 21.
She walked past a man who heard what she was saying. Come on, lady! he said, You are not 21!
She smacked him on the head with her handbag, then walked off repeating, 22, 22…
65 Things to Do on a Long Airplane Ride
1. Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it
2. Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar
3. Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, anounce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places
4.Run down the aisle screaming,Hes got a bomb! Hes got a bomb!
5. Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed
6. Fly into a rage whenever the word Gallstone is mentioned
7. Accidental soda spill on the dork next to you.
8. Go up to someone and ask loudly if they wouldnt mind applying Preporation H to your hemrrhoids
9. Tap at the windows, saying Looks pretty tough then ask somone if they have a bat you could use to test.
10. Disco dance in the aisle
11. Mess up your hair, untuck your shirt, basically look crude, and mingle with a first class guy as if you were long-lost friends
12. Give someone a coin, saying Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I dont
13. Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling Were out of toilet paper! Stewardess!
14. Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you
15. Try to lead plane in song Oh I wish I was an Oscar Myer Weiner
16. Lead a revolt against the first class passengers
17. Attempt to promote Hinduism among passengers
18. Moon passing Delta planes
19. Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane
20. Start a hot dog stand
21. Steal businessmans laptop, play solitaire on it
22. Pinch the stewardess butt as she passes
23. During the inflight movie, ask to share headphones with someone
24. When two people kiss in the film, belch real loud
25. When theres any nudity, say Hey! He/she must be real cold!
26. Tell the person next to you your life story, from DNA to that afternoon
27. With the person next to you, discuss cannabilism among airline crash passengers on deserted islands
28. Remark that perhaps you shouldnt have put superglue in your undies that morning
29. Pick your nose and pat the person next to you
30. No matter what the meal choices are, demand rice-a-roni
31. Show off your Batman underwear
32. Ask the guy next to you to hold your dentures (senior citizens only)
33. Switch accents and see if anyone notices
34. During the meal, loudly explain that on time you ate shark fin soup
and proceeded to puke all over the airplane, spewing chunks of shark on the other passengers
35. Sneak into the cockpit and hit the warning alarm
36. Explain how, one time, the plane was crashing and the oxygen masks didnt come out, cause they arent really reliable, and that if the plane was to crash, everyone would die
37. Put on a ten foot diameter sombrero and slouch in your seat, whacking everyone on the head
38. Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger
39. Go into the cockpit, flick on the intercom light, then loudly inquire as to why the fuel dial says e
40. Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice Why do the call it the COCKpit? then snort as if its the funniest thing in the world
41. Dont use deoderant, then accidently stick your armpit in someones face
42. Sneeze, using somebodys sleeve instead of your hand to cover it
43. Listen to James Brown on your Walkman, sing along (especially the
Oooh Oooh parts)
44. Snort when you laugh
45. Tell corny jokes and laugh like its absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same 46. Wear a hairpiece and switch it often, seeing if anyone notices
47. Sing that irritaing song that starts like this I lost my car on the rooooooaaddd an Im cryin over yooooouuuu….
48. Recite all you can of the last Ann Landers column
49. Hum the Monty Python theme song
50. Act like a movie star
51. Scream and dive under your seat for no apparent reason
52. Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling Yeee-ha!
53. With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say Nevermind. Do you have any towels?
54. Whip out your kazoo and give first class a special entertainment show
55. Jump up and scream AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!
56. Bring a microphone and act like Frank Sinatra
57. Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think theyre Kevin Costner or Goldie Hawn (This best when the person looks nothing like the movie star in question)
58. Start talking Korean
59. If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off
60. Pretend youre flying the plane
61. With a fellow passenger, Re-enact the disco scene in Airplane!
62. Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong
to a biker gang
63. Take over the plane with a toy gun
64. Yell to someone Is it time to hijack the plane yet? (Note: Do this when there are stewardesses there)
65. To the person next to you, say Its amazing that they didnt notice the grenade in my luggage
Herolal is driving down the Delhi-Amritsar highway, when he spots Bhola standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that Bhola is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
Herolal gets out of the car, walks all the way out to Bhola and asks him, Excuse me, what are you doing?
Bhola replies, Im trying to win a Nobel Prize.
How? asks Herolal, puzzled.
Well I heard they give the Noble Prize to people who are out standing in their field.