Old and New Jokes

To err is human. To forgive is simply not company policy.

I got this off of another mailing list, and though you do have to be somewhat familiar with Depeche Modes music in order to fully appreciate this, I thought I would forward it anyway…

-Dan Aeschliman

Statement of Thesis

(sung to the tune of Depeche Mode – Personal Jesus)

Your own statement of thesis

Something to help you write

Something of might

Your own statement of thesis

Something to help you write

Something youll spite

Feeling depressed

When you take the test

You may just snap

Cause you just write crap

Dont forget your bluebook

The proctors give you dirty looks

Taking the test

Of issues addressed

Things on your chest

They cant be repressed

I will be prudent

Im only a student

Reach out and touch page

Reach out and touch page

Your own statement of thesis…

Feeling depressed

When you take the test

You may just snap

Cause you just write crap

Dont forget your bluebook

The proctors give you dirty looks

I will be prudent

Im only a student

Reach out and touch page

Your own statement of thesis

Reach out and touch page

-Chuckles

(icamacla@sdcc13.ucsd.edu)

A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him.

What colour? they asked. He settled for white.

How much does it cost? he asked.

Twenty-four dollars.

Expensive, but ok, he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadnt the faintest idea.

Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?

No, he said, nothing like that.

Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wifes bust resembles.

He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, Have you ever seen a Spaniels ears?

Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in aluminum foil, whats wrong with me? Doctor: You have far too much free time!

Jay Leno monologue; Britney Spears doing Pepsi. Christina Aguilera now doing an ad for Coke. Bill Clinton signed today doing one for Squirt.

You might be ghetto if your phones in your babys name!

One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. (Oh, cmon, Im sure theres one buried in your desk too.) Since hed heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and — oh, surprise — out popped a genie. The genie asked, as genies will, “What is your first wish?” The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, “I would like to be rich!” So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates. Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didnt even have to ask for number two before he said, “My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!” And poof, he was there. Then the government worker — or, as I like to call him, civil servant — decided on his third wish, “I dont want to do any work ever again!” and poof — ubiquitous ironic twist — he was back in his office.

Q: What did did the mother duck say to the little duck.
A: If you dont behave, Im gonna quack you one.

Q: What do you call a dear with no eyes?

A: A No Idear

Q: What do you call a dear with no eyes or legs?

A: A still no idear

Q: What do you call a dear with no eyes, legs, or balls?

A: A still no fucking idear

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldnt quite remember the address to the house. Im sure this is the one," said the driver. Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD. Replied one of the others, Ill go knock on the door, and check. If its the wrong house, at least Ill get to a toilet!

So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once….No answer. He rings it again…..Still no answer. So, he thinks, This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard. So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back door, he was suprized to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured hed just quietly run inside real quick, and use there bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he cant find the bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a strangers house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party.

A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the door bell. And a woman answers the door. Excuse me maam, but could you please let me show my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they dont believe me! So YOURE the guy! The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, HONEY!?!…HERES THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!