Old and New Jokes

La mamá le dice a Pepito: Mijo ve y vende el guanajo para comprar comida que no hay dinero.

Pepito se va a ver que hace. Cuando iba a cruzar una calle ve una puerta abierta y dice A lo mejor me lo compran.

Va y entra y ve otra puerta abierta y entra por esa puerta, cuando de pronto se oye que la primera puerta se cierra. La mujer que estaba con otro hombre los mete a los dos en el armario porque había llegado el marido.

Ya dentro, en completa oscuridad, Pepito le dice al tipo: Oye te vendo el guanajo.

Yo no quiero ese guanajo.

¡Si no me lo compras grito!

¿En cuanto me lo vendes?

¡500 pesos!

¡Estas loco!

¡Grito!

Ok ok ¡te lo compro!

Al rato pepito le dice: ¡Oye te compro el guanajo!

Estás loco ¡pero si me lo acabas de vender!

¡Grito!

Así pasa varias veces hasta que Pepito se va y al llegar a la casa le enseña el dinero y el guanajo a la madre, y ella le dice: Pepito ¿Has robado? ¡Ven, vamos a la iglesia que tienes que confesarte!

Al llegar a la iglesia Pepito le dice al padre: Padre, he pecado.

¿Qué has echo hijo mío?

Usted ve… iba a vender un guanajo…

En ese momento el padre lo interrumpe y le dice:

¡¡¡Pero vas a seguir con el guanajo!!!?

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.



The woman notices this and asks, Is your date running late?



No, he replies, I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.



The intrigued woman says, A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?



It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me, he explains.

Oh really? Whats it telling you now? she inquires.

Well, it says youre not wearing any panties…



The woman giggles and replies, Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!



And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says,

Damn thing must be an hour fast!

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, Mommy, why does the girl wear white?

His mom replies, The bride is in white because shes happy and this is the happiest day of her life.

The boy thinks about this, and then says, Well then, why is the boy wearing black?

A Yankees fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Yankee Stadium, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.

The guy said, Yes, thats my wifes seat. We have never missed a game since Joe DiMaggio played, but now my wife is dead.

The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldnt find some relative to enjoy the game with.

Oh no. I can. the guy replied. Its just that theyre all at the funeral.

How could Will Rogers say, I never met a man I didnt like?

He never had to date one.

1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. 2. Its only unethical if you get caught. 3. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 4. We put the k in kwality 5. If something doesnt feel right, youre not feeling the right thing. 6. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity! 7. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat. 8. ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE. 9. We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members! 10. 2 days without a Human Rights Violation! 11. Your job is still better than asking You want fries with that? 12. If at first you dont succeed, try management. 13. At least youre not being rectally probed by aliens. 14. Never quit until you have another job.

Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a King summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob and a lever.
What do you think it is, he asked.

One advisor, an Engineer, answered first. It is a toaster, he said.

The King then asked, How would you design an embedded computer for it?

The Engineer replied, Using a four-bit microcontroller. I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of sixteen shades of darkness: from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a sixteen-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the timer delay it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and Ill show you a working prototype.

The second advisor, a Computer Scientist, immediately realised the danger of such short sighted thinking. Toasters dont just turn bread into toast, he began, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon and scramble eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon become obsolete. If we dont look to the future, we will have to completely redesign it in a few years.

With this in mind, he continued, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links and bacon; poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs and various omelet classes.

The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy and poultry classes. Thus, we can see how the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says Cook yourself. The semantics of the message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so it has a different meaning to a piece of toast than to a scrambled egg.

Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users dont want their eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is needed, too.

We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users wont buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message BOOTING UNIX v8.3 appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time this product goes to market.) Using a mouse they can pull down a menu and select which foods they want to cook.

Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8Mb of RAM, a 30Mb hard disc and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object-oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap.

The Computer Scientist looked scornfully at the Engineer. Imagine the difficulty we would have had if wed foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four bit microcontroller!

Needless to say, the King had the Computer Scientist beheaded and they all lived happily ever after.

A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband.
The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers it. It was her husband. He says, Hows the new cell phone? She replied, Great…but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?

You can sleep with them all you want and not have to worry about
getting them pregnant.
You dont need a touchy-feely manual (Women are from Mars, Men are
From Venus etc) to understand each other.
When youve screwed up and made a fool of yourself, a teddy bear
will never say I told you so.
You can have as many favorites as you want and they wont get
jealous.
Theyre always ready for a cuddle anytime, anywhere.
They dont mind it a bit if you stay out at all hours with the boys.
No matter what guy thing youre in to, they always enjoy what
you enjoy.