You are an Internet Addict when…
1.) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
2.) You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you dont have a clue as to when it happened.
3.) Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
4.) Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
5.) You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
6.) You start introducing yourself as Jim at net dot com
7.) Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.
8.) You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
9.) Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
10.) All of your friends have an @ in their names.
11.) When looking at a web page full of someone elses links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
12.) Your dog has its own home page.
13.) You cant call your mother… She doesnt have a modem.
14.) You check your mail. It says no new messages. So you check it again.
15.) Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
16.) You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
17.) You dont know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
18.) Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.
19.) You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
20.) You tell the kids they cant use the computer because Daddys got work to do — even though you dont have a job.
21.) You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
22.) Your wife makes a new rule: The computer cannot come to bed.
23.) You get a tattoo that says This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher.
24.) You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP… because you never log off.
25.) The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
26.) You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
27.) Your wife says communication is important in a marriage… so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
28.) As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the back button.
(To the tune of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious)
(Chorus)
To boldly go where none has gone, that is the task before us.
Even though the major networks seem to have ignored us.
Weve been around for quite a while, and all the fans adore us.
I wish wed get a decent script, the novelty will floor us.
um-diddle-iddle-iddle um-diddle-la
um-diddle-iddle-iddle um-diddle-la
The first rule taught at Star Fleet is that we dont interfere
Because well warp new cultures, and well get them hooked on beer.
We know how to get round this rule, wherever we may go.
Cause we auction off the broadcast rights for all repeats they show.
(Chorus)
The second rule at Star Fleet is that you should be above
The feelings when a sexy alien wants to make love.
Of course there exceptions, like the Cap and Number One.
Cause we all know sex assures that high ratings will be won.
(Chorus)
The third rule taught at Star Fleet is that violence doesnt win
And if you should destroy life forms, you made a mortal sin.
But that wont stop us from revenge on those who are the worst
Well beam off ol Luxwanna, with her molecules dispersed.
(Chorus)
Im now a captain of my own and now I understand
That rules that have been carved in stone and lies go hand in hand
Ive broke the rules a thousand times, I feel like such a jerk
But Ill never break the record of the famous James T. Kirk
(Chorus)
(fade)
There were 2 surd, both of them were good hunters, one of them Mr.Daka Singh killed only lions & tigers, and one Mr. Laka Singh killed only deers. Once they both met. Laka Singh asked Daka Singh how is that you only kill lions & tigers and I kill only deers. Tell me the trick. He told him just go to a cave and imitate the noise of a sheep the lion comes out of the cave and shoot him then that quite easy.
After 2 months daka singh got the news that Laka Singh was in the hospital on questioning him he exclaimed I did the same thing you told me. I just outside a big cave and imitated the noise of a sheep but I did not know that deccan queen was coming out from the cave.
1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!
6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King…
9. …but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that theyre astronaut food.
10. Follow patrons of B. Daltons around while reading aloud from Dianetics.
11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that its a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, You mean you really cant see it?
13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.
16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
17. If youre patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
18. Sprint up the down escalator.
19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the hidden picture.
20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether theres much meat on them.
24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swane.
27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, I see London, I see France…
30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
31. Play the tuba for change.
32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play Jesus Built My Hotrod.
33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will give you a really wicked buzz.
35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have any giant crap made out of straw.
36. Toast plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing Saved by the Bell. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling scratch one flattop!
41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are leakproof.
42. Play the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether theyre real.
45. If its Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap.
46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say Dominos.
47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
49. Show people your drivers license and demand to know whether theyve seen this man.
50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasnt turned blue yet.
This little old lady walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for 2 scoops of chocolate ice cream. The man behind the counter says Im sorry, we are all out of chocolate ice cream.
The lady says OK, Ill take one scoop of chocolate ice cream in a cup.
The man says Ma-am, we are all out of chocolate.
The little old lady says OK, then Ill have a single scoop of chocolate in a cone.
The man, a little more irritated this time says Ok, lady. Spell van as in vanilla.
The lady says V A N
The man says, OK, spell straw as in strawberry.
The lady says S T R A W.
The man says, OK, now spell fuck as in chocolate.
The lady says there aint no fuck in chocolate.
The man says, Lady, thats what Ive been trying to tell you all along!
This man is suffering from extreme headaches so he
goes to his doctor.
Man: Doctor I seem to be having these bad headaches
and nothing I do seems to cure them.
Doctor: Well, one thing I always do to relieve my
headaches is put my head between my
wifes tits and go prrrrrrrrrrrr with my lips.
(Try to imagine the sound)
Man: Thanks doc, I think Ill try it.
Two weeks pass and the man goes back to his doctor.
Doctor: Well, have your headaches cleared up?
Man: They sure have. I tried what you said.
And by the way I love the wall paper in your
home!
P & J (The wanderer and Shakes)
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! Cmon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
Youll have no clothes to wear if we
dont do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
blah blah blah blah blah CMON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
The nun was teaching social studies to a class of young girls. As their weekend homework, she told the girls to do a good deed and report back on Monday.On Monday morning, the first girl reported that she had bought food for a homeless person. A second girl was proud that she had seen someone drop a twenty dollar bill, and she had returned it to its owner… Another girl had spent a few hours reading to a blind person…A group of four girls said they had helped an old lady cross the street…The teacher stopped them at that point. Thats very nice, said the teacher, but why did it take four of you?Well, said one of the four, she didnt seem to want to cross the road too badly.
Woman walks into a bar . . . totally nude and asks the barkeep if he can serve her a drink.
He looks her up and down and says, Well sure, but it doesnt appear by the your appearance that youll be able to pay for it.
The woman throws one leg up on a bar stool and shows what shes got, Will this do? she asks.
The barkeep takes a look and responds, Ya got anything smaller?
En los pueblos siempre hay un tonto. Pues en este pueblo, el tonto era Melquiades. Siempre les gustaba jugarle esta broma:
¡Hey Melquiades! ¿Conoces a Matute?, le decÃan.
No, no sé quién es., respondÃa.
¡El que por el culo te metió el shute! ¡Ja ja ja ja!
Y asà le hacÃan la vida a cuadros al pobre Melquiades.
Un dÃa, una persona caritativa decide ayudar a Melquiades para que ya no siguiera siendo vÃctima de las bromas de sus paisanos.
Mira, le decÃa el tipo. La próxima vez que te los encontrés, les preguntás si conocen a Max.
¿Y quién es Max?
¡El que te lavó el culo con Ajax! ¡Ja ja ja ja!
¡Ah! SÃ, qué buena broma. Se las voy a hacer., dijo Melquiades.
Asà que a la siguiente vez que se los topó, inmediatamente les dijo:
¡Hey ustedes! ¿Conocen a Max?
¡Ah, si! Es el primo de Matute, responden.
¿Y quién es Matute…