Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
Sidney thought of everything, she told them. Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes.
Tillie, he told me, I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace.
What was in the envelopes? her friends asked.
The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, Please use this money to buy a nice casket. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.
The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, Please use this for a nice funeral. I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.
And the third envelope? asked her friends.
The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, Please use this to buy a nice stone.
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, So, do you like my stone? showing off her ten carat diamond ring…
An
elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his
guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. Rabbi,
during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy,
I pretended to be a goy and changed my name from
Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it.
Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were
a Jew is admirable, said the Rabbi.
Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her
from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her.
That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty.
Its worse Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with
her sexual favours.
You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans
had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil and you will
be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt.
Thank you, Rabbi. Thats a great load off my mind. But I have one more question.
And what is that?
Should I tell her the war is over?
Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razorblade.
Dont panic, Im coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?
Yes, I shaved with the electric razor.
Doctor, Doctor, Youve got to help me – I just cant stop my hands shaking!
Do you drink a lot?
Not really – I spill most of it!
A man speaks frantically into the phone, My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!
Is this her first child? the doctor queries.
No, you idiot! the man shouts. This is her husband!
The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated:
Im afraid were going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.
Well, if its just because of them, Id rather pay for them if you just leave me alone.
Doctor: Did you take the patients temperature?
Nurse: No. Is it missing?
You might be a redneck if your dog cant watch you eat without gagging!
A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note attached to a customers door saying I need 45 gallons of milk.
He knocked on the door and a beautiful blond answered it.
Is this a mistake?
the milkman asked.
No, she said, I was watching a talk show and it said that bathing in milk is good for your skin.
Really?
replied the milkman.
Do you want it pasteurised?
No, up to my tits would be fine, she said
The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.
Time Limit: 3 Days.
Write Your Name: ________________________________________
(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).
1. What language is spoken in Germany?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions – OR – Give the FIRST name of Michael Jordan.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
____ (a) build a bridge
____ (b) lead an army or
____ (c) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
____ (a) Jewish
____ (b) Catholic
____ (c) Hindu
____ (d) Polish
5. Advanced Math: How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 12?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in Americas far NORTH called?
____ (a) Westerners
____ (b) Southerners
____ (c) NORTHerners
9. Spell the name of the current President of the US. (George Bush)
_______________________________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth.
Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
____ (a) Wall Mart
____ (b) Kmart
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einsteins Theory of Relativity?
____ (a) yes
____ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for which country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in Capital Letters.
16. Where is the basement in a four story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
____ (a) Minnnesota
____ (b) Florida
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) Wisconsin
18. More advanced math. If you have three pears, how many pears do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
____ (a) B.C
____ (b) A.D.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, sighed the turkey, but I havent got the energy. Well, why dont you nibble on some of my droppings? replied the bull. Theyre packed with nutrients. The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.Moral of the story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.
Q: How do you ruin a Polish party?
A: Flush the punch bowl.
Three men, a doctor, a minister, and a lawyer take a fishing boat out onto the ocean. A terrible storm arises, and the boat takes a great quantity of water. Fearing that they will all die, they decide that one of them must jump into the shark infested waters so that the other two may live.
The minister volunteers, saying that God will take care of him. He jumps in and is immediately eaten by the sharks.
More water comes into the boat. They decide that one of the two remaining people must jump in. The doctor says I have spent my entire life healing people, certainly I will survive the ocean. He jumps in and is immediately eaten by the sharks.
A person is walking along the shore line. He sees the boat being pushed by sharks onto the shore. It reaches the shore, and the lawyer steps out calmly. The man runs to the lawyer, and says hey, what was that all about?
The lawyer says Professional courtesy.