Old and New Jokes

Top Ten Changes at NASA to Accommodate 76-Year-Old John Glenns Return to Space Aboard the Shuttle Discovery:

10. All important devices now operated by the Clapper.
9. Shuttles thermostat set at 80 degrees.
8. Shuffle board installed in cargo bay.
7. Early Bird specials from Morrisons Cafeteria included on menu.
6. One monitor specifically designated for Matlock.
5. Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship.
4. Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour.
3. Installed a new bifocal windshield.
2. Space pants now go up to armpits.
1. Left-blinker left on for entire mission.

Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of denture-burn.

Granny found cuffed to her walker.

Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

Grandma regularly looks at Grandpas crotch and claps twice.

Your Grandma is Anna Nicole Smith.

Youve just seen the photos in the Beaver Hunt section of the May issue of Hustler.

Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

And the Number One Sign Your Grandparents are still sexually active …

Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for doggy style.

Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury?
A: When hes sworn in.

1.Su cachorro aprenderá a orinar en el lugar indicado sólo cuando su alfombrado esté completamente arruinado.

2.Las mascotas de la gente común tienen pulgas, las mascotas de la gente con dinero tienen alergia.

3.Para su mascota, absolutamente todo es masticable.

4.Un piso limpio estimula los esfínteres.

5.La probabilidad de que su mascota rompa un objeto es directamente proporcional al costo de dicho objeto.

6.Todo los que su animalito sabe hacer sólo podra relatarlo, porque jamás lo hará en presencia de extraños.

7.Cuanto más molestias y dinero invierta en conseguir un juguete para su mascota, menos lo usará.

8.Su mascota sólo necesitará un veterinario de urgencia cuando usted no tenga dinero.

9.Un perro con las patas secas y limpias jamás saluda a un invitado bien vestido.

El hombre según la edad:

De los 10 a los 15 es mono: Vive pelando la banana.

De los 16 a los 20 es jirafa: Se come las florecillas.

De los 21 a los 30 es buitre: Se come todo lo que se le atraviese.

De los 31 a los 40 es águila: Escoge todo lo que se va a comer.

De los 41 a los 50 es papagayo: Habla más de lo que come.

De los 51 a los 60 es lobo: Persigue a Caperucita pero se come a la abuela.

De los 61 a los 70 es cigarra: Canta, canta y no come nada.

De los 71 a los 80 es cóndor: Con-dolor aquí; con-dolor allá…

De los 81 en adelante es paloma: sólo caga.

En una iglesia de pueblo, el cura le pide a un pintor local que le pinte un enorme cuadro de La Última Cena, en una de las paredes de la parroquia. El artista pueblerino comienza a crear su obra, soplándose, de vez en cuando, unos tragos de alcohol. Cinco horas más tarde termina y le manda llamar al sacerdote para que le diera su punto de vista.

El clérigo empieza a contar a los apóstoles y advierte que son trece. Entonces, le reclama al pintor que deberían ser doce apóstoles y que quería que el decimotercero fuera borrado o que hiciera algo con ese apóstol que sobraba. A la hora regresa el sacerdote y, al mirar el cuadro, advierte que encima de uno de los discípulos había un letrero con el siguiente texto:

Yo no soy apóstol ni nada, yo nomás como y me voy a la chingada.

There is a lady who dies and goes up to heven. She sees all these clockes everywhere and asks an angle why they are there. The Angle says, Well every time you lie your clock spins around once. Like hers George Washingtons, his clock never moved, same with Jesus over here. So the lady asks where Bill Clintons is. The Angle replies. Well jesus is using it as a celling fan in his office.

After his first day working at a department store. The manager walks up to his new sales men and asked him how many sales he had his first day.



The young man proudly answered ?One.? The manager replied ?only one, well how much was it for?? The young man responded with $39562. Curious the manager asked what he had sold.





He was buying some fishing hooks and I told him that he would probably need some stronger line to go with those hooks. He agreed but before he left I suggested he bought a new rod to go with his new line and hooks. And to my surprise he bought it as well. So I thought I would try to sell him a boat so that he could go out and catch some big fish. After deciding on the boat he realized that his car wouldn?t be able to tow the boat so I showed him the new truck we had and he bought that as well. By the time he had walked out his total was $39562.





The manager said ?you are one hell of a sales men a guy comes into buy fishing hooks and you sell him fishing line, a rod, a new boat, and even a truck?





?No? the clerk said ?He came in to buy tampons for his girlfriend and I said your weekend is pretty much shot you should go fishing!?

A plane takes off from New Yorks Kennedy Airport. After it reaches a cruising altitude, Captain Sparks makes an announcement over the intercom.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 293, he says. The weather ahead looks clear, so sit back, relax and – OH MY GOD!

The intercom falls silent.

A minute later, Capt. Sparks comes back on the intercom. Im so sorry for scaring you all earlier, he says.

But while I was talking, an attendant spilled a boiling cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!

Thats nothing, a passenger in coach shouted. You should see the back of mine!

How many union guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Fifteen. You got a problem with that?