Old and New Jokes

The boy just takes the girlfriend back to her home after being out together,
and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and
says to her, Sweetie, why dont you give me a blowjob?

What? Youre crazy!

Dont worry, it will be quick, no problem.

No! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor…

At this time of the night no one will show up…

Ive already said no, and no!

Honey, its just a small blowie… I know you like it too.

No! Ive said no!

My love… dont be like that…

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her
hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says, Dad says either you
have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy
a blowjob himself, but for Gods sake to tell your boyfriend to take his
hand off the intercom!

With the exit of Ginger Spice, the girls have been looking for her replacement. Their newest member: Cher, who will affectionately known as Old Spice.

and boy do I falafle

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.

The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were newlyweds.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

Can of PAINT! exclaimed the minister.

Yeah, said the newlywed man.

She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then.

lust took over.

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

Thats okay, said the man.

Were not welcome in Home Depot either.

The Yuppette watched from the beach at Hilton Head as her son built sand castles near the surf. The boy got up, took a few steps, slipped and was pulled out by a strong undertow.

Help! Help! she screamed.

A Life Guard hearing her cries spotted the boy and ran the rescue. He dove into the pounding surf and finally pulled the child to safety on the shore. He then applied mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, and in a few moments, the boy began to cough.

There ya are Miss. I think hell be just fine now. But you might want to visit a doctor to be sure.

Yes, yes! she replied. But he was wearing a new hat and sunglasses.

This TRUE STORY from my secretary.

Last week her mother was getting her usual do when her hairdresser relayed a previous-day experience:

The hairdresser (owner) was getting ready to close up her shop when a man came in and asked if she could give him a quick cut before she closed. She agreed,and as she was trimming the guys hair, he put his hand under the cape and the cape started moving. (She became somewhat uncomfortable.)

Then, the lady got REAL concerned when the man put his OTHER hand under the cape and the cape started moving MORE; she thought she was trimming the hair of a PERVERT. She then panicked, took a hairdryer and smashed the man up-side his head, causing him to black out on the floor.

The lady hurried and called 911, police came … only to find out that the poor guy was JUST CLEANING HIS GLASSES!

Eclipse e-klips: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper i-drop-ur: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes hee-rhos: What a guy in a boat does.

Q: How many Systems Assurance testers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. We just noticed the room was dark. We dont fix the problems, we just find them.

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldnt help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins, then she moved under one that read Sloans Liniments remove Swelling. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read William Stick Did The Trick. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.

He won the case.

There was an old woman. She went into a store and asked the clerk in a shaky voice, do you know what a dildo is?

The clerk said, yes.



In a shaky voice she asked, do you sell them?



Why yes the clerk answeresd.



In a shakier voice she asked, do you know how to use them?



I guess so said the clerk.



The old woman, trembling asked, do you know how to turn them off?