Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Vassar girl!
Vassar girl who?
Vassar girl like you doing in a place like this?

It is often cited that there are half as many divorces as marriages in the US, so one concludes that average marriages have a 50% chance of ending by divorce. While I was a graduate student, among my peers there were twice as many divorces as marriages, leading us to conclude that average marriages would end twice…

How do you drown a Haitian?

Give him a shoebox and tell him it floats.

Viagra. The quicker dicker upper

One-a-day, like iron

Get a piece of the rock

Youve come a long way, baby

Viagra, it plumps when you take em

Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman

Tastes great, more filling

Viagra, built ram tough
2. Heres the beef!

And, the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

Just do her.

Aries:
Just one. You want to make something of it?Taurus:
One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.Gemini:
Two, but the job never gets done — they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how its supposed to be done.Cancer:
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years
to help them through the grief process.Leo:
Leos dont change light bulbs, although sometimes
their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them
while theyre out.Virgo:
Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.Libra:
Er, two. Or maybe one. No – on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?Scorpio:
That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.Sagittarius:
The sun is shining, the day is young and weve got our whole lives ahead of us, and youre inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?Capricorn:
I dont waste my time with these childish jokes.Aquarius:
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so…Pisces:
Light bulb? What light bulb?

What lives forever, and if you eat it, YOU DIE?





Answer: Nothing! Nothing lives forever and if you eat nothing, you Die!

Miriam, an elderly lady, goes up to a man at a bus stop in Finchley in north west London.

She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, Farshtayn Yiddish? The man answers, Yes, Ich Farshtay.

Miriam then says, Vot Time is It?

Three conventioneers had finally managed to tire their wives to go back to
the hotel and finally located a house of negotiable affection. The madam
was crestfallen.

Sorry fellows, all the girls are busy… No one left but me.

Gee, we spent most of the evening getting rid of our wives and were leaving
tomorrow, isnt there anything you can do?

Well theres always me, I give specials…

The first guy decided hed go for it and when he came back downstairs he had
a grin ear to ear.

How was it? How much was it?

It was great! I got the $25 special. She has this can of Readi-Whip and
she sprays it all around and then licks it off, great!

The second fellow doesnt hesitate, bolts up the stairs and is back after a
while, grinning like the first.

How was it? How much was it?

It was super! I got the $50 special. Same as Jack, the Readi-Whip, but
she had some chopped walnuts that she sprinkled on it. Nibbled off the
walnuts and licked off the Readi-Whip, faantaaastic!

The third could not be constrained, he raced up the stairs and came back
shortly thereafter, chin between his knees.

Gosh! What happened? What went wrong?

Well, I got the $75 special, kinda like what you guys got but she starts
with a pineapple ring. Then theres the Readi-Whip, the chopped walnuts,
but shes got some chocolate sprinkles and a cherry she puts on top. Damn!
it looked so good I ate it myself…

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “Youre beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “Youre cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

This guy is getting married and he is a bit nervous since he is not too experienced. So he asks his best man to come along on the honeymoon and give a few pointers.

The best man exclaims, Come on man, its your honeymoon, youre supposed to be spending time with your wife, not your best friend!

To which the groom replies that he has already paid for a room next door to his for the best man. After much coercion, the best man give in and decides to go along. They work out a system where the best man will pound on the wall and shout advice if he hears anything going wrong.

So the honeymoon comes and goes, and the bride and groom go to the honeymoon suite of the hotel, and the best man goes to his room next door. After a few moments, the bride gets undressed, but the groom gets so nervous he runs into the bathroom and locks the door. After about five minutes of waiting, the bride says, honey, are you coming out, I have to go to the bathroom!

The groom replies, I will be out in a few minutes, hon, Ill be ready soon.

After a few more minutes, the bride cant wait any longer, so she rummages under the bed where all the wedding gifts are stashed, grabs a box, unwraps it, pulls out the fondue pot, shits in it, wipes with the tissue paper, closes it and shoves it under the bed. Just then the groom, having summoned his manly nerve walks out of the bathroom. The bride, being feminine and all, goes into the bathroom to stall for a few minutes so the groom wont know what she did.

The groom, sitting on the bed =sniff* notices this awful smell!

*sniff* *sniff* Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! *sniff* What can that be? He looks under the bed, finds the box, pulls it out and exclaims, Honey, theres shit in your box!!!

Boom! Boom! Boom! (Theres pounding on the wall…) The best man yells from the other room, Turn her over, turn her over!