Old and New Jokes

Your house has a kickstand.

You drive around a parking lot for fun.

Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents Ma and Pa.

Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

A guy walks into a bar and orders 5 shots of whiskey.

The barkeep says 5 shots, yes the guy says Im celebrating my first blowjob.

The barkeep replies hell let me buy you 1.

No thanks the guy says if 5 dont get the taste out of my mouth, then the 6th wont matter.

Un tipo que viajaba en avión estaba en necesidad urgente de usar el baño. A cada intento de utilizarlo, lo encontraba ocupado. La sobrecargo, consciente de su necesidad le sugirió que utilizara el baño de damas, pero le advirtió que se abstuviera de apretar los botones.

Eran 4 botones marcados con las letras AT, AC, TA y RAT.

Cometiendo el fatal error de muchos hombres de desatender lo que una mujer les dice, decidió probar los botones para satisfacer su enorme curiosidad. Cuidadosamente apretó el primer botón marcado con AT e inmediatamente un chorro de AGUA TIBIA roció su parte baja y pensó: Caramba, qué bien la pasan las mujeres.

Curioso, apretó el segundo botón marcado con AC e inmediatamente una corriente de AIRE CALIENTE secó suavemente su parte baja y pensó: Caramba, todo esto parece de otro mundo.

Su curiosidad lo llevó a apretar el tercer botón con TA e inmediatamente un TALQUEADOR AUTOMÁTICO empolvó su parte baja con un oloroso y suave talco.

La estaba pasando tan bien que naturalmente apretó el cuarto botón marcado con RAT.

Cuando despertó en el hospital, muy asustado llamó a la enfermera y le preguntó: ¿qué es lo que pasó?, lo último que recuerdo es que estaba en el baño de damas de un avión.

La enfermera contestó: Claro, usted la estaba pasando tan bien, hasta que apretó el botón RAT para activar el REMOVEDOR AUTOMÁTICO DE TAMPONES (TAMPAX)… pero no se preocupe, su pene está debajo de la almohada.

Erase una vez un tartamudo que vivía en un pueblo que odiaba a los tartamudos. Un día fue a una cantina a pedir un vaso de coca-cola y preguntó:

Se-se-se-se-señor mmmmme PUpupupupu…

Y el cantinero dijo:

¡Vete a la mierda tartamudo conchetumade!

Volvió a la semana después de practicar y dijo:

Se-señor, me pupuede ddddddaadadaadadadadadaddaada…

¡Tartamudo conchetumadre vete a la mierda!

Y así fue la historia durante un largo año de práctica, cuando volvió con su frase bien preparada y dijo:

Señor, me puede dar un vaso de coca-cola por favor?

Y el cantinero responde:

¿Helada o sin helar?

El tartamudo muy enojado por la pregunta responde:

CocococococococONCHETUMADRE!

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

these two guys walk across a field but soon get stopped by the owner. the owner is mad cuz he doesnt like anybody walking in his field. anyway he tells the two men that unless they dont do what he tells them to he will shoot their heads off. so the owner lets them sleep in his barn for one day. late that night when they two men were sleeping the owner came and woke both of them up and told them to go out in the field and pick out any fruit or vegetable of their choice. so the two men obeyed and went. one of the men came back with a melon then the owner told him to bend over and shove it up his ass. the the man started laughing and the owner was asking why is he laughing at a moment like this then the guy said because my friend out there is picking a watermelon!

A young man had just started up his own business firm. He was sitting at his desk on his first day when he saw a man approaching his office. To make himself look good, he picked up the phone and proceeded to pretend he was organising a big, important business deal. When he was finished, he put down the phone and asked,Hello, how may I help you today?To which the man replied,Hi. Ive come to activate your phone lines.

The attached was sent to me by a medical associate. Its not terribly funny but somewhat amusing. All I can say is: OUCH!!!

One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he needed a doctor who took care of mens problems. The patient was pale, febrile, feverish and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of torn, black and blue scrotal skin.

After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts and two or three yards of foul smelling stained gauze, wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.

Amid the matted hair, edematous (swollen) skin and various exudates, I saw some half buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked and he had closed the laceration himself with a heavy duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one inch staples of the type used to put up wall board.

We X-rayed the patients scrotum to locate the staples, admitted him to the hospital and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachloro-phene sitz baths prior to surgury the next morning. The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement (removal old dead skin) of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rust staples were retrieved and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed (ripped or torn out) and was missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels litigated (tied off) properly, though not much of a hematoma (pocket of blood) was present. Through and through Penrose drains (7) were sutured loosely in site and teh skin loosely closed.

Convalescence was uneventful and before his release from hospital less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didnt leave the machine shop at lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive belt of a large floor based piece of machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley wheel and the drive belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work.

I can only assume that he has abandoned this method of self gratification.

In light of the New Morality, Playboy is starting an edition strictly
for married people. It has the same centerfold every month.

Michael J. Farren