Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town.
Bin Laden got off the camel and lifted up its tail and looked at the camels butt.
Just then a guy came over and said, What are you doing?
Osama replied, About two miles back I heard someone say, Hey, look at the two assholes on that camel.
Why do men snore?
When they fall asleep, their balls cover their assholes and they vapor lock.
A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, Up nuts! And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, Down nuts! And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, Cheer nuts! And they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, Well…everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami.
They had been meeting in that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others friendship.
One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, Please dont be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just cant.
The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says…
How soon do you have to know?
Your honor
Psychiatrist: Whats your problem?
Patient: I think Im a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
The girls prayer:
Our Cash
Which art on plastic
Hallowed be thy name
Thy Cartier watch
Thy Prada bag
In Myer
As it is in David Jones
Give us each day our Platinum Visa
And forgive us our overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard
And lead us not into Katies
And deliver us from Sussans
For thine is the Dinnigan,
the Akira and the Armani
For Chanel No.5 and Eternity
Amex.
The boys prayer:
Our beer
Which art in bottles
Hallowed by thy sport
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as it is in the pub
Give us each day our daily schooners
And forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us
And lead us not into the practice of poofy wine tasting
And deliver us from Tequila
For mine is the bitter
The chicks and the footy
Forever and ever
Barmen.
Un viejito se muere y llega al cielo, pero San Pedro no estaba allà para recibirlo, el que estaba era Jesús, y al ver al pobre viejecito le pregunta: Tu nombre por favor.
El viejito le contesta: Estoy tan viejo que no me acuerdo de mi nombre.
Bueno, ¿de donde vienes?
De un lugar muy lejos, no recuerdo.
Necesito saber algo de ti para localizarte en los archivos, ¿a qué te dedicas o qué?
Pues cuando todavÃa vivÃa era carpintero, y tenia sólo un hijo que llegó a ser muy famoso, pero ya hace tienpo, mucho tiempo que no lo veo.
Al oÃr esto dice Jesús: ¡PAPA!
Y el viejito recobra la memoria y le contesta:
¡PINOCHO!
Teacher: Julie, please give me a sentence starting with I.
Julie: I is…
Teacher: No, Julie. Always say, I am.
Julie: All right . . . I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
A man walks into a bar and sees a guy sitting on a barstool drinking a beer and watching a miniature man playing a piano on the bar in front of him. Bewildered, the man asked him where did he get his little friend. The guy said that there was a genie outside the back door granting wishes, so he goes out back and sure enough, there was a genie. He walks up to the genie and says I wish for a thousand bucks. The genie said, Granted. The man walks back into the bar and there were ducks flying everywhere. He goes back up to the man at the bar and says That genie must be deaf, I asked for a thousand bucks, not a thousand ducks. The man replied, What did you think I asked for, a twelve inch pianist?