Old and New Jokes

There are three men stranded on a deserted island (hmm sounds familiar).

One is Italian, one is Irish and the other Polish. They have been on the Island for close to six months and have developed a great rapport with one another and become the best of friends.

One day they are searching the shore for a sign of passing boats when they come across a bottle. When the Italian rubs the bottle a genie comes out (can you believe it!). The genie thanks the three men and says I will grant you three wishes, but it can only be one wish each and I am so tired of being in the bottle for so long it might take a couple of weeks between wishes.

So the Italian says I wish I was back in Rome eating a big plate of antipasto

POOF!!! he is back in Rome like he wished. A couple of weeks later the Genie says ok, to the Irishman, What is your wish

The Irishman replies, I wish I was back in Dublin at Mac Murphys pub with a pint of lager. POOF!!! He gets his wish.

A couple of more weeks go by and the Genie tells the Polish person that it is his turn. The Polish person says Gee I really miss those guys I wish they were here!!!

If you heard it before who cares!!. You have just heard it again!!!

Un día, en la selva, un chango estaba pasándola de poca madre cuando, repentinamente, empieza a llover. Desesperado porque se está mojando, el simio se acerca a la casa del pajarito, toca a la puerta y le pide que lo deje entrar para no mojarse; el pajarraco responde con un no rotundo.

Pasan los minutos y la lluvia se pone aún más fuerte, así que el chango, imaginando que la avecilla cambio de opinión, se acerca otra vez y le ruega que lo deje entrar. En un tono más firme, el avechucho responde que no.

Vuelve a pasar otro rato y, para ese momento, la lluvia se convierte en diluvio. El pobre mono, empapado completamente, se vuelve a acercar a la casa del ave para suplicarle que lo deje entrar porque está escurriendo.

Con un tono aun más firme que las dos veces anteriores, el méndigo pajarito vuelve a responder que no.

La moraleja de esta historia es la siguiente:

Entre más mojado esté el chango, más firme se pone el pajarito.

Jaimito tenía varias semanas insistiéndole al papá para que lo llevara al zoológico.

Papá, ¿cuándo me vas a llevar al zoológico?

Pronto, hijo, pronto, le respondía con cierta apatía el padre.

A Jaimito no le quedó más remedio que acusarlo con la mamá. Ésta se dirigió al padre:

Tienes que llevar a Jaimito al zoológico, recuerda el trabajo que tiene que entregar para fin de año. Al tipo no le queda más remedio que llevarlo. Un mes después, la maestra le pregunta a Jaimito en referencia al trabajo del zoológico:

Jaimito, no entiendo esta frase en tu trabajo: Entonces mi papá se puso muy contento cuando uno de los animales del zoológico ganó y pagó 30 a 1.

A beautiful woman asked a computer geek what would be a reasonable password for her new E-Mail. And he answered Penis, so she tyred it in. She had just stop laughing about the word when a screen came up. COMPUTER REJECTION. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

An ounce of rejection is worse than a pound of sure.

What does a bee do with its stinger before he goes to bed???

He puts it in his honey!!

Three trained dolphins escaped from their performing pen at a resort in Key Largo, Florida. They were discovered several days later in a lagoon off Key Biscayne, some 55 miles distant.

At 10 a.m., 2 p.m. and 4 p.m. they performed tricks, apparently hoping to be fed on their Key Largo schedule.

Seems my latest Freudian slip came just as my wife arrived back from a week-long business trip in Toronto.

As she grabbed her luggage and headed off, she asked, Did you miss me?

I replied quite innocently, Its been so hard without you.

yo mamma so big she can play pool with the planets

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hales Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,

Well, sonny, I cant remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger.

The owner replies, Well, lets see… Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, I want this color sonny.

To which Nathan replies, Maam Im sorry, but we dont have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?

No son, I want this color.

But maam, they didnt make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you? says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the womans corn!