Llega un borracho a las tantas de la noche a su casa, despacio, para no despertar a su mujer. En eso, la mujer despierta y comienza a insultarlo:
¡Desgraciado, mira en la facha que vienes y la hora que es! Y a mà ni siquiera me compras un vestido. ¡Infeliz!
Balbuciendo, el temulento le responde:
¡Diez años viviendo contigo y no tenÃa idea que vendÃas ropa!
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A
man comes in and asks the farmer, Hey, why are you sitting here
on this beautiful day getting drunk?
Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.
Man: So what happened that is so horrible?
Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow
milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her
left leg and kicked it over.
Man: Thats not so bad, whats the big deal?
Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.
Man: So then what happened.
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left
with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her.
Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and
kicked it over.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Somethings ya just cant explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the
right.
Man: So then what did you do?
Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I
got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the
bucket with her tail.
Man: Wow you must have been pretty upset!
Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.
Man: So then what did you do.
Farmer: Well I didnt have any more rope, so I took off my belt
and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell
down and my wife walked in.
So you think your life is bad.
Just think how bad the life of the egg is…
You only get laid once!
You only get eaten once!
It takes 4 minutes to get hard
2 minutes to get soft
You have to share a box with 11 other guys
And the only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother.
(Now dont you feel better)
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: None of them, two dont exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, Oh, Shit!
Only the state of Alabama was different, where 96.4 percent of the final words were –
Hey Yall, hold my beer and watch this!
A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks, And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?
Mr. Johnson replies, I feel just fine, doc. But you know, its the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door.
The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the mans son, and the sons wife answers.
The doctor tells her, Mrs. Johnson, Im a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on…
Mrs. Johnson yells, Steven! Daddys peeing in the refrigerator again!
1. Slowly begin
to reintroduce harmful foods. Suggestions are potato chips, pizza with
extra cheese, white bread, milk, coffee or coke, milk shakes from edible
oil products, fried chicken, french fries deep fried in beef fat, eggs
from chemically-raised chickens, steak with barbecue sauce and a small
portion of overcooked vegetables. Throw in a couple of chocolate bars
to insure an optimum toxin level.
2. Eat very few raw fruits and vegetables. If you must eat vegetables,
make sure the life has been cooked out of them. The best fruits are canned
and preserved in sugar syrup.
3. Give your juice machine away. Drink bottled or canned juices with
vegetable oils. Canned vegetable juice is fine because all the enzymes
have been destroyed through pasteurization.
4. Swallow food whole. Use butter as a lubricant. Deep fried foods will
require less chewing.
5. Eat as much as you possibly can at one sitting. This conditions the
muscles that support the stomach to expand, accommodating an increased
volume of food.
6. Avoid fiber at all cost. If forced to eat whole wheat flour, pick
the bits of bran from the bread. This will allow the food to pass more
slowly through the intestine so the body may absorb optimal toxic chemicals.
7. Do not exercise. Exercise oxygenates the cells and triggers the lymphatic
system that cleans the body. Try to remain in an inactive horizontal position.
8. Snack regularly during the night so as to curb the bodys natural
tendencies to detoxify during sleep.
the president has flown in from texas for an important discussion with the israeli president who is a jew.
the israeli president asks,would u like some local food?
mr bush accepts and drinks the manischewitz wine
Bush then offers,hey would u like a hotdog made from the finest pork products in america?
Q: Bill & Hilary Clinton are on a sinking ship, who gets saved?
A: The nation!
If shop mannequins
were real women, they would be too thin to menstruate.
There are 3 billion women who dont look like supermodels and only 8
who do.
Marilyn Monroe wore a size 12.
If Barbie were a real woman, shed have to walk on all fours due to her
proportions.
The average American woman weighs 144 lbs. and wears between a size 12
and 14.
One out of every 4 college aged women has an eating disorder.
The models in the magazines are airbrushed – they are not perfect!
A psychological study in 1995 found that 3 minutes spent looking at models
in a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty and
shameful.
Twenty years ago models weighed 8% less than the average woman, today
they weigh 23% less.