Santa Singh told his wife that after his death she should marry Banta Singh. But why should I marry Banta who is your enemy no 1 enquired his wife.
Santa quipped, Oh Darling, this is the only way I can take my revenge from that useless fellow. Ha! Ha! Ha!!
You know youre a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey and the Bandit was snubbed for best picture.
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. How do they feel? asks the sales clerk.
Well they feel a bit tight, replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the mans feet. Try pulling the tongue out, the clerk says.
Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth. (DOH!)
Fred and Myra were residents at the local old age home. One day, Fred came shuffling past Myra when she waved him over.
Fred, she said, Ill bet I can guess how old you are.
Okay, replied Fred, go ahead. Tell me how old I am.
Well, you got to pull down your pants first Fred.
What are ya talkin about Myra?
I can only tell how old you are if you pull down your pants Fred.
Shrugging his shoulders, Fred obliges and pulls down his pants. Myra tells him to pull down his underpants as well.
Thinking why not? he pulls down his underpants as well. Myra peers at his privates, inspecting from all angles. She takes his equipment in hand, moves it around a bit, feeling here and there. After some of this manipulation, she looks up at Fred and announces, Youre 87 years old.
Astonished, Fred looks at her in amazement!
How did you figure that out Myra?!?!?
Fred — you told me yesterday.
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following history of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked Am I my brothers son? God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brothers birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacobs sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldnt have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns -Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in The Illiad, by Homer. Homer also wrote the Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldnt climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his sons head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatellos interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted hurrah. Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespeares famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote.
The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife dies and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared a horse divided against itself cannot stand. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became Americas greatest Precedent. Lincolns mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, In onion there is strength. Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a
moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedl insane actor. This ruined Booths career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleons flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldnt bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies.
She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, At last theyre finally together.
A guy sitting in the front row says, Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?
I mean her legs!
Yo mama so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida.
Se reúnen todos los animales en rededor del león, reclamándole que como rey de la selva, tome medidas disciplinarias contra un mono calentón que se comÃa a todas sus hembras… y a ellos mismos si se descuidaban.
Entonces, el león llama al mono, el cual que estaba en la copa de un árbol, diciéndole:
Ven, baja que hablaremos un poco.
No lo haré, si no te haces atar a un árbol y te quedas solo.
El león cumple la petición y ordena retirarse a todos. Baja el simio y se acerca lentamente y tembloroso.
Acércate, no tengas miedo. No podré hacerte daño estando maniatado.
No es que tenga miedo: es la emoción de comer por primera vez a un león, responde el mono calentón.
Un tipo mayor se hace miembro de un campo de nudistas muy exclusivo por simple curiosidad, en busca de nuevas emociones. Como era su primer dÃa, se quitó la ropa como todo el mundo y fue a dar vueltas por el predio. Una linda rubia apareció por ahà y él inmediatamente tuvo una erección. La chica notó su erección e inmediatamente se le acercó sensual:
¿Me ha llamado, señor?
¿Yo? No, ¿por qué?
Usted debe ser nuevo; le voy a explicar. Aquà tenemos una regla: si le provoco una erección, quiere decir que usted me ha llamado, que usted me desea.
Sonriente, la chica lo lleva a un jardÃn y se acuesta en una toalla; tira fuertemente hacia ella de la mano del hombre y se deja poseer de todas las formas posibles. El fulano, loco de contento, sigue explorando las delicias de aquel campo. Entra al sauna, se sienta e involuntariamente se le escapa un pedo. Sonriente, de inmediato se le acerca un tipo enorme, peludo y con una erección del tamaño de un bate de béisbol:
¿Me ha llamado, señor?
¡¿Yo?! No, ¿por qué?
Usted debe ser nuevo aquÃ. Le voy a explicar: tenemos una regla que dice que si te tiras un pedo, significa que me ha llamado, que usted me desea. Dicho esto, el gigantón voltea a nuestro personaje sobre el piso y lo posee de una manera bestial. Luego se marcha. El novicio con mucha dificultad se dirige como puede a la oficina del club. Una recepcionista desnuda lo saluda muy sonriente:
¿Puedo ayudarlo, señor?
Le devuelvo su llave y su tarjeta. Puede quedarse con los 500 dólares de cuota inicial.
¡Pero, señor, usted tan sólo ha estado aquà un par de horas y solamente ha visto un par de nuestras facilidades
Escúchame una cosa, nena, yo soy un hombre de 58 años. A duras penas tengo una erección al mes, pero me tiro como 15 pedos al dÃa… ¡No me conviene, gracias!
HabÃan tres borrachas manejando en un carro, pero ya estaban hasta la madre de borrachas, asà que chocaron contra un poste y se fueron al cielo.
Cuando llegaron se encontraron a San Pedro y les dice:
Para que puedan entrar les voy a hacer una pregunta y si la responden bien se les abrirán las puertas del cielo.
Bueno, dijeron las tres.
A ver, tú, ¿cáando es navidad?
Y una le sopla y le dice:
25 de diciembre.
¡25 de diciembre! grita la otra.
Y se le abren las puertas del cielo.
Dice san pedro: A ver tú, dime un nombre de los tres reyes magos.
La misma tipa que le sopló le dice a la otra: Melchor.
¡Melchor! grita, y se le abren las puertas del cielo.
Acto siguiente, le dice San Pedro a la soplona:
Como tu dijiste a la otras dos las respuestas te voy a poner la más difÃcil. Me vas a decir qué fue lo último que le dijo Bill Clinton a Mónica Lewinsky.
La mujer le responde rascándose la cabeza:
Ahora sà me la puso dura…
Y se le abrieron las puertas del cielo.