Old and New Jokes

The Scene: Three people walking across the desert; an American, a Mexican, and a Winkie. (Substitute your favorite nationality/sub-culture known for its stupidity in place of Winkie.)

After they had been walking for a while, the Mexican and the Winkie notice that the American is carrying a glass of water. They asky why, and the American replies: Well, when it gets real hot, I can drink this glass of water to cool off.

Then he drinks it.

The American and the Winkie notice that the Mexican is carrying a Sombrero. The Winkie asks him why hes carrying the hat, and the Mexican replies: Well, when it gets real hot like now, I can put my hat on to be in the shade.

Then he puts it on.

The American and the Mexican notice that the Winkie has been lugging a car door through the desert. Neither of them can understand this, so they ask him why. The Winkie smiles and replies: Well, its just like you two are doing. When I get hot, I can just roll down the window.

Q: Why did the golfer wear 2 pairs of pants?

A: Just in case he got a hole-in-one!

Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape – that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture.

I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another.

(Its an oldie, but a goodie.)

There was this guy who went into a bar. He went up to
the bartender and said, Bartender, are you a bettin man?

The bartender replied, Certainly! Im ALWAYS a bettin
man! To which the man said, Ill bet you $50 that I can
lick my right eye.

The bartender thought about this a while
and finally agreed to the bet. The man reached up and pulled
out his glass right eye and licked it. The bartender groaned
and begrudgingly gave the man his $50 telling him to leave
his bar.

A week or so later, the same man appeared in the bar. He went
up to the bartender and said, Bartender, are you still a bettin
man? The bartender replied, Certainly! I told you Im ALWAYS
a bettin man! To which the man said, Ill bet you $100 that
I can bite my left eye.

Well, the bartender thought he had
him on this one! There was no way that he had TWO glass eyes
so the bartender agreed. The man reached up to his mouth, pulled
out his dentures and clicked them on his left eye. The bartender
moaned and paid the man his $100 telling him to get out of his
bar.

A week or so later, the same man ventured into the bar again.
He went up to the bartender and said, Bartender, are you still
a bettin man? The bartender said, although with a little
caution this time, Certainly! I told you Im ALWAYS a bettin
man! To which the man said, Give me a shot of whiskey.
The bartender poured the man a shot and he drank it down. Slamming
the glass on the bar he said, Ill bet you $500 that you can
spin me around on this bar stool and I can piss in that glass
right where it lays and not miss a drop.

Well, the bartenders
eyes lit up. Here was one time that he was certain that he
would win! Agreed! he cried. Coming out from around the bar,
he grabbed onto the mans bar stool and spun it as hard as he could.

Well, the man just let loose and piss flew EVERYPLACE! Not so
much as one drop even came close to the glass and the bartender
was soaked. When he was done, the bartender was laughing and
laughing and holding out his hand. The man pulled out his wallet and
gave him his $500. But the bartender was puzzled and as he was wiping
off his face, he asked the man, Why did you bet me $500 that you could
piss in that shot glass on the bar when you had to have known there
wasnt any possible way to do it??

The man just smiled and told him,
You may have won $500 off me but I bet that guy over in the
corner $10,000 that I could piss all over you and your bar
and you would just laugh!

Ed Nieters
Purdue University

An elderly couple is sharing an intimate dinner in honor of their 75th
wedding anniversary.

The man says softly, Dear, there is something I must ask you. It has
always bothered me that our sixth child never quite looked like the
rest of our children. Now, let me assure you these 75 years have been
the most wonderful I could have hoped for, and your answer will not
take all that away. But, please tell me, did he have a different
father?

His wife lowers her eyes, pauses for a moment, and then confesses,
Yes. Yes, he did.

The old man tightens, very shaken, the reality hitting him hard. Who?
Who was he? Who was the father? he asks.

Again, the woman lowers her head, trying to muster the courage to
finally tell her husband the truth.

She says, You.

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, his lungs burned for lack of oxygen, his heart pounding so hard he felt like it would burst out of his chest. Then suddenly, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, Dear Lord! Please give this bear some religion!

The skies darkened, and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky, kneeled and said,

Thank you, Lord, for this food Im about to receive…

This joke is bad taste, you have been warned.

Three vampires walk into a bar on a cold winter night.

They all three sit at the bar and the bartender asks the first vampire

What can I getcha? The 1st vampire says Ill have a beer, please

So, the bartender gets him a beer.

The bartender asks the 2nd vampire What would you like?

The vampire replies A beer please. So, the bartender gets him a beer.

The bartender then asks the 3rd and last vampire Sir, what can I get you? and the 3rd vampire replies A cup of hot water please.

The bartender obliges and asks the vampire, What are you gonna do with that hot water?

The third vampire pulls out a used tampon and dips it into his hot water and says Hot tea, its chilly out!

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, Im going to try to swim to shore. So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, I wonder if she made it. I guess its better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve. So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, I wonder if they made it! I think Id better try to make it, too. So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, Im too tired to go on! So she swam back.

There are more jokes like this at http://www.humorshack.com

Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says Im going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy.
Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy.
Of course Clinton doesnt want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier.
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and cant stand it anymore, comes out and says, I think Ill throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.

Lending A Hand



Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. ,





The first girl saidWhatshould I do? The



guy sitting next to me is masturbating.





Her friend replied, Dont do



anything. Just ignore it.





The first girl said, I cant.





Her friendsaid,Why cantyou ignore it?





The first one says, Because hes using



myhand!