Old and New Jokes

Little Johnny is working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the
emergency room.

The doctor says, Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and Ill see what I can do.

Little Johnny says, I havent got the fingers.

The doctor says, What do you mean, you havent got the fingers? Its 2003. Weve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could
have put them back on and made you like new. Why didnt you bring the fingers?

Furious, Johnny asks, How the hell was I supposed to pick them up???

From Carla Felicia, a comic I saw this weekend at Zanies here
in Chicago (with some adaptation).

For me, penises are a hobby, like fishing:

The small ones you throw back.
The good-sized ones you take home for dinner, and
The big ones you mount.

A guy is driving around suburban Jerusalem and he sees a sign in front of a house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.


So, you talk? he asks.


Yap, the dog replies.


So, whats your story? asks the man.


The dog looks up and says, Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young and I wanted to help out. So I told the Mossad about my gift, and in no time at all they had me working flat strap, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders and suspected terrorists, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable agents for eight years running. But it was exhausting work and really tired me out. I knew I wasnt getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a less stressful job at Ben Gurion airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible stuff and was awarded a batch of medals. During that time I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now Im just retired. And pretty much, thats it.


The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


Ten dollars. The guy says,


This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?


Because hes a liar. He never worked for Mossad!

This guy goes into a bar, sits down, orders a beer, takes a drink and shouts, T.G.I.F!! A woman next to him, orders a beer, takes a drink and shouts, S.P.I.T.!!The guy orders another beer, takes a drink, and shouts T.G.I.F.!! The woman next to him orders another beer, takes a drink, and shouts S.P.I.T.!!! This goes on for quite a while and finally the bartender says to the guy, Why do you shout T.G.I.F? What does that mean?The guy answers, Thank God its Friday!!The bartender nods. Then he asks the woman, Why do you shout S.P.I.T.??The woman answers, Stupid prick, its Thursday!!

A drunk man stumbled into a church where there were baptisms being performed. The priest noticed him and asked him if he wanted to find Jesus. "Sure," said the drunk man. "Ill find Jesus." So the priest took the drunk mans head and dunked it into the baptismal waters. When he came up for air, he was sputtering and couging."Damn," said the drunk man. "Are you sure he fell in there?"

Which is worse, a Vice-President who cant spell or a President who cant add?

6. If a function be advertised to return an error code in the event of difficulties, thou shalt check for that code, yea, even though the checks triple the size of thy code and produce aches in thy typing fingers, for if thou thinkest it cannot happen to me, the gods shall surely punish thee for thy arrogance.

Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A: It was wound up already.

A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.

During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.



Your Honor, replied the defendant, that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didnt have to be present and not to worry.



I cant see why youd punch a man for that, interrupted the judge.



Wait, theres more…

When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why.

Then he said, Because everythings coming up Roses.



THATS when I hit him!

One day a very young polar bear was sitting on an ice drift, watching his father trying to catch fish, when he asked, Dad, am I a full-blooded polar bear?

His father replied, Sure son, youre full blooded.



The young bear asked, Are you positive that Im 100% polar bear, Dad?



Yes, son, Im sure. Your mothers a polar bear, Im a polar bear…



But Dad, are you sure theres not a little brown bear in me?



Yes son, Im sure.



Are you really sure, Dad, that theres not just a little black bear in me?



Yes, son, youre all polar bear.



Maybe just a little grizzly bear in me, Dad?



No way, son, no way, replied the papa bear. Why are you asking these questions?



The little polar bear replied, Because, Dad, Im freezing my tail off out here!