Old and New Jokes

I can go for more than seven days without sleep…
so its a good thing I sleep nights.

A man had a terrible accident and his private parts were injured.


The doctor reassured him that modern medicine made it possible for his privates to be rebuilt, but insurance didnt cover the expense. It was considered cosmetic.


He had three choices: small for $3,500, medium for $6,500, and large for $14,000.


The man was sure hed want a medium or large.


The doctor suggested that he discuss it with his wife privately before a final decision was made.


The doctor left the room and while he was gone the man called his wife and told her their options.


The doctor returned and found the man looking very sad.


Did you make a decision? the doctor asked.


Yes, said the man. My wife would like to remodel the kitchen.

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

Now, do you see that tree over there? he asked.

YES, YES, YES!! the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

Good! said the first bat, Because I fucking didnt!

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.



Well, how was the honeymoon? asked the mother.



Oh, mama, she replied, the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic… Suddenly she burst out crying. But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. Hes been saying things Ive never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! Youve got to come get me and take me home… please mama!



Sarah, Sarah, her mother said, calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?



Please dont make me tell you, mama, wept the daughter, Im so embarrassed! Theyre just too awful! Youve got to come get me and take me home… please mama!



Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset… Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!



Still sobbing, the bride replied, Oh, mama…words like dust, wash, iron, and cook…

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, Lord, I have a problem! Whats the problem, Eve? Lord, I know youve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but Im just not happy. Why is that, Eve?, comes the reply from above. Lord, I am lonely. And Im sick to death of apples. Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you. Whats a man, Lord? This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all hell give you a hard time. But hell be bigger and faster and more muscular than you, hell be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack. Sounds great, says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. Yeah, well, hes better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But you can have him on one condition. Whats that, Lord? Youll have to let him believe that I made him first.

What do you get when you cross Mariah Carey and Elton John?Nothing. Elton John prefers men.

La maestra informa a sus alumnos:

Niños, hoy hablaremos de algunos de los fluidos del cuerpo humano. Hablaremos de la sangre y el semen. La sangre es el combustible del cuerpo; es rica en glóbulos rojos y blancos. El semen también es un fluido, pero a diferencia de la sangre, éste no sólo es rico en vitaminas, minerales y proteínas, sino que también es transportador de la información genética… Bueno, niños, ahora la ronda de preguntas.

La maestra mira a todos los niños y piensa: Ni loca le pregunto a Pepito. Ese desgraciado me saldría con una patanería.

A ver, Carlitos, ¿que aprendiste sobre los fluidos del cuerpo humano?

Este, este… No sé.

A ver, tú Luisito.

No sé, maestra.

¿Pablito?

No sé, maestra.

Así, pasan todos hasta que llega el turno del temible Pepito.

Pues que Dios me agarre confesada con las barbaridades que este muchacho va a decir, piensa la mujer. A ver, Pepito, ¿qué aprendiste el día de hoy?

Hoy aprendí acerca de los fluidos del cuerpo. La sangre es rica en glóbulos rojos y blancos; el semen, por el contrario, está compuesto de vitaminas, minerales, proteínas y, además, es el responsable de transportar la información genética.

La maestra, que estaba sudando, dice para sí misma: Me salvé. Por fin puedo preguntar a Pepito sin temor.

En conclusión, maestra, debo inferir que es mucho mejor, pero bastante mejor, y más nutritiva, una mamadita que una transfusión de sangre.

Q: Whats the bad thing about 5 lawyers in a cattalac driving off a cliff



A: A cattalac seats SIX!