Old and New Jokes

Rudolf the Bengal reindeer. Copyright Mrs. G.Parry


(To the traditional tune of “Rudolf the red nosed reindeer” and last verse “Santa clause is coming to town”, played on Indian instruments.)

Rudolf the Bengal reindeer, had a very stripy coat.


And if you ever saw him, you would know it’s not a joke.


All of the other reindeer,


Used to laugh and call him names.


They wouldn’t let poor Rudolf,


Join in any reindeer games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,


Santa called to say,


Rudolf with your coat so bright,


Won’t you pull my sleigh tonight.

Rudolf the Bengal reindeer


With a very shinny smile.


Knew that his luck was changing,


in a very little while.


Then how the reindeer worried


And they shouted out in fear


Rudolf the Bengal reindeer


He was getting much too near.

A sleigh with presents all aboard


A busy night ahead


Santa thought it very weird


How his Reindeer disappeared.

Rudolf the Bengal reindeer, had a very stripy coat.


And if you ever saw him, you would know its not a joke.


All of the elves and Santa


Knew that Rudolf couldn’t stay


They wouldn’t let poor Rudolf


They all chased him far away.

You’d better watch out


You’d better take care


You’d better not cry


I’m telling you why


Rudolf is coming to town


Grrrrrr.

If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.

The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

When you havent got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

One Sunday a pastor toldthe congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people toprayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said thatwhoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plateswere passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill inoffering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregationand said hed like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly,saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to cometo the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderfulit was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "Ill take him and him and him."

A man went to see a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his
sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didnt seem to be
getting a clear picture of his problems.

Finally he asked, Do you ever watch your girlfriends face while youre having
sex?

Well, yes, I did once.

Well, how did she look?

Oh boy… she looked very angry!

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he
said, Well thats very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell
me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriends face once during sex. That
seems somewhat unusual to me. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?

She was watching us through the window!

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government Worker were bragging about how smart their dogs were.To show off, the Engineer called to his dog and said, "T-Square, do your stuff." T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave.

A preacher and a boy are sitting down when the boy asks him a question. he asks preacher, is god black or white?.

the preacher decides to tease him and replys



both. then the boy asks if he is gay or straight and gets the answer of both. then he asks, preacher, is Micheal Jackson god?

A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.

Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.

His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, Whatd you do that fer?

Thats fer fifty years of bad sex, she said.

He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.

As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, What was that fer?

That, said her husband as he began to rock again, is fer knowin the difference!

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurance in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

Ive just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure! the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, Bring him in. Well check it out.

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. You were right about both the mummys age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?

Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, 10,000 Shekels on Goliath.

What is 40 feet long and smells like urine? Line dancing at the nursing home.

Un turista se encuentra paseando por Londonderry, Irlanda del Norte, en una de las temporadas con más terrorismo en esa zona. Total, que va paseando tranquilamente de noche cuando, repentinamente, nota que alguien le agarra por detrás y le aprieta con algo frío y metálico en la nuca y le pregunta:

¿Eres protestante o católico?

Asustado, el pobre turista trata de pensar rápidamente en una respuesta aceptando que si fuese un nativo de la zona tal podría adivinar la respuesta correcta por el acento de su agresor, pero su dominio del idioma no llega tan lejos. Desesperado, piensa que también podría ayudarle saber cómo va vestido, pero lo único que puede ver de su atacante es la manga alrededor de su cuello. También, si conociese mejor la ciudad, sabiendo en que barrio está, podría tener alguna pista. Así que sin tener ni idea de que religión debe decir, el viajero opta por eludir la cuestión y responde:

¡No, soy judío!

¡Alabado sea Alá, soy el árabe más afortunado del Ulster!