Old and New Jokes

It works better if you plug it in.

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and theyre off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. Help me find my ball. Look over there, he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. Ive found my ball! he announces. After all of the years weve been partners and playing together," Jon says, "youd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks? What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!And youre a liar, too! Jon says. Ill have you know Ive been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!

(The story below is of my own telling; it is based upon a true
story told me by my uncle, but I have invented the name Howard,
inserted some opinions about hunting shows, and changed the course
of events slightly.)

My uncle told me about one of his friends, Howard, who was hired to
participate in one of those Saturday Sportsman shows. His job was
to hide in the bushes, holding a pheasant, and release it at the
appropriate moment, so that it could be promptly shot down for the
pleasure of the viewing audience.

Howards first brush with Hollywood was very exciting. Granted, no one
would ever see him, his name wouldnt be in the credits, but, at least it
was Show Business! Provided with a pheasant, and installed in a certain
stand of corn stalks, Howard waited for his cue to hurl the bird into
the air.

You, the viewer, dont see Howard, of course. You do see two Serious
Hunters stalking around, making Especially Wise Hunting Remarks. You
are admiring the perfect hunting dogs. And, just before the commercials,
magically, there is a flurry, a pheasant rises, accelerating, bright
wings beating furiously. This pheasant is an eager flier, having been
mysteriously held by normally lethal humans for about 40 minutes. So,
the pheasant, making his escape, meets his Maker instead, in the form
of a wall of buckshot. Pheasant drops, dogs expertly retrieve,
hunters unctuously auto-congratulate.

Howards turn to release his pheasant is approaching. He is very
nervous; this brush with Broadway is thrilling. He waits, determined
to expertly send this bird into the path of many little lead pellets:
so perfectly, that a Hollywood producer will see that bird, and think,
my God, that bird was very skillfully launched. Phone call for
Howard, its Spielberg! The fantasy is delicious.

And now, the Moment! Its the signal! Every muscle in Howards body
surges in the orbital delivery of this winged target. The pheasant
arcs up, up, up….. Its not flapping its wings very hard, though.
In fact, its not flying at all. Now the pheasant-projectile has
passed its apogee, and is streaking down for reentry with the cornfield.
Howards pheasant looks more like a rock disguised as a pheasant
than a real live pheasant. With a sickening thud, the pheasant slams
into the solid planet. The dogs wince and look away. The hunters
congratulate themselves on another superb display of hunting prowess,
made more remarkable by the absence of any shooting.

The camera swings away. Howard is crushed, his chance for
pheasant-slinging glory gone. The pheasant is crushed as well. Upon
post-mortem, it develops that Howard, in his anticipatory excitement,
has strangled the pheasant. It was horribly massaged to death,
in Howards nervous hands.

John Sahr, School of Elect. Eng., Upson Hall
Cornell University, Ithaca, NY 14853

Taught by women, for men. 101
Combating Stupidity 102
You Too Can Do Housework 103
P.M.S. – Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut 104
How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray 105
We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas –
Give Us Money 106
Understanding the Female Response To You Coming In Drunk
At 4 AM 107
Wonderful Laundry Techniques
(Formerly Dont Wash My Silks) 108
Parenting – No, It Doesnt End With Conception 109
Get a Life – Learn How To Cook 110
How Not To Act Like a Butthead When You Are Obviously Wrong 111
Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right 112
Understanding Your Financial Incompetence 113
You – The Weaker Sex 114
Reasons To Give Flowers 115
How To Stay Awake After 116
Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself
Anywhere But the Bathroom 117
Garbage – Getting It To the Curb 118A
You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try 118B
The Morning Dilemma – If Its Awake, Take a Shower 119
The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous 120
How To Put The Toilet Seat Down 121
How To Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost 122
The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency 123
Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes 124
How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children 125
You Too Can Be a Designated Driver 126
Honest, You Dont Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked 127
Changing Your Underwear – It Really Works 128
The Attainable Goal – Omitting %@#*! From Your Vocabulary 129
Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is Not Necessary 130
Real Men Ask For Directions 131
How To Take Illness Like a Man

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldnt bring himself to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, Darling, Ive got a big surprise for you, at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. Now dont forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise, said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wifes hand on the stump.

Hmmmmm, she said softly, that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and Ill see what I can do!

This isnt mine, I heard it on the radio this morning.

Mans wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks
down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to
use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts
talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another
and they end up in her apartment. After theyve had their fun, he realizes
its 3AM and says, Oh no, its so late, my wifes going to kill me. Have you
got any talcum powder? She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds
to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.
Where the hell have you been?!?!

Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they
were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this
great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to
another and I ended up in bed with her.

Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!

She sees his hands are covered with powder and…
You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!

Dave Goldberg
The Mitre Corporation

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. Ive kidnapped you!, said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, Ive kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde. The Blonde then pinned the note to the kids shirt and sent him home to show his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, How could you do this to a fellow blonde?

Bumper sticker on Arkansan car:

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he sees a big jar full of 5s and a little card it reads:

Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh. COST $5

So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.

2 minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor.

So the guy takes the money and leaves.

THE NEXT DAY:

The same guy walks in the bar again and sees the horse and the jar, this time it says:

You can win all of this if you make the horse cry. $10

So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.

4 minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had. So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks How did you do that?

The guy says The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!