Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to force the bulb in with a hammer, one to steal more bulbs, one to ask NYANA for a bigger hammer.

Una pareja que va de paseo decide, en plena calentura, meterse a un cementerio hacer el amor. Él pone a la chica sobre una lápida y empieza a darle a la faena. Después de unos veinte minutos (para que digan que si lo disfrutó), terminan y deciden irse.

Al día siguiente, la muchacha tiene unos dolores terribles en la cintura y la cadera pero no hace mucho caso, sino hasta el tercer día, en que los dolores no los aguanta y decide ir a visitar al doctor.

Ya en el consultorio, el doctor le pide que se desvista y se voltee para examinarla. Al terminar la revisión, el médico le pregunta algo inquieto:

Y dígame, señorita, ¿cuantos años tiene usted?

Tengo 26, ¿por qué, es algo grave?

No lo sé, pero en sus nalgas dice que usted murió en 1820.

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?



Border Collie: Just one. Then Ill replace any wiring thats not up to code.

Rottweiler: Make me!

Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?

Dachshund: You know I cant reach that stupid lamp!

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while hes busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: Ill just pop it in while Im bouncing off the walls.

Greyhound: It isnt moving. Who cares?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Mastiff: Screw it yourself! Im not afraid of the dark…

Doberman: While its out, Ill just take a nap on the couch.

Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?

Australian Shepherd: First, Ill put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…



Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs.

I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?



Poodle: Ill just blow in the Border Collies ear and hell do it.

By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.



Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, weve got our whole lives ahead of us,

and youre inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.

Ive got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?

I should let you know first that I am a policeman.

Thats OK. Ill tell it really slow!

Theres a man named Ralph that goes into a bar, looking very depressed. A
friend approaches him and asks, Why the long face, Ralph?

Oh, Im just bored. I know every person in the entire world now, and
theres just nothing left to challange me.

His friend says, No, you cant know everyone. Do you know Frank Sinatra?

He says, Sure, Franks an old friend of mine. Here, Ill show you. He
goes over to a phone, dials a number. His friend overhears, Hey Ralph,
how ya doing?

He talks for a while, but when Ralph hangs up, his friend is not really sure
that it was Frank Sinatra on the other end of the line, so he asks him if he
knows Bill Clinton.

Ralph says, Sure, me and Billy go way back. This time he lets him
listen in as he calls a private number. It sounds like Bill on the other
end of the line, and they go into a big discussion of the current economic
scene, and Ralph offers a few suggestions. Drawing the converstation to a
close, Ralph wishes him well and hangs up.

His friend is a little dumbfounded at this point. Well, there must be
someone that you dont know. He goes over a few more people in his mind,
and thinks, He cant possibly know the Pope. After all, hes a
Protestant. But Ralph claims to know him, so to convince himself otherwise,
his friend desides to fly both himself and Ralph to the Vatican to get
positive proof of Ralphs conviction.

So they arrive at the Vatican, and Ralph suggests that his friend wait out
in the Papal square until Ralph has cleared things with the Pope. Hes
standing in the courtyard, when who walks out onto the balcony of the
private residence, arm in arm with the Pope, but Ralph.

Ralph looks down, sees that his friend has apparently passed out, and runs
down to see what can be done for him. What happened to you? Couldnt you
accept the fact that I really do know the Pope?

No, Id begun to accept that possibility. But what really took my breath
away was some stranger standing next to me who said, Whos that guy
standing there with Ralph?

The teacher of the fourth grade class was giving an English lesson:

All right class, I want everyone to write a sentence which starts with a question and ends with an answer and has the words possible and definite in it!

All at once, young Johnnys hand shot up.

Miss! Miss! called Johnny.

Write it down, Johnny! said the teacher.

… But Miss! Miss! Miss! Johnny intoned.

I said write it down! exclaimed the teacher who was now quite peeved.

Miss! Miss! called Johnny once more.

Okay, Johnny. I give up. What is it?

Is it possible that farts have lumps in them?

No! said the startled teacher.

Then I have definitely shit myself!

One pie turns to the other and says Hot enough for ya? The other pies turns and says, Holy sh*t! A talking pie!

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.The driver replied, Tonight Im the designated decoy..

Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six–one to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Franciscos Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. Twelve dollars for the rat, sir, says the shop owner, and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it. You can keep the story, old man, he replies, but Ill take the rat.



The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.



By the time hes walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run for the bridge.



Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.



Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. Ah, so youve come back for the rest of the story, says the owner.



No, says the tourist, but I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers!