Old and New Jokes

This man is suffering from extreme headaches so he
goes to his doctor.

Man: Doctor I seem to be having these bad headaches
and nothing I do seems to cure them.

Doctor: Well, one thing I always do to relieve my
headaches is put my head between my
wifes tits and go prrrrrrrrrrrr with my lips.
(Try to imagine the sound)

Man: Thanks doc, I think Ill try it.

Two weeks pass and the man goes back to his doctor.

Doctor: Well, have your headaches cleared up?

Man: They sure have. I tried what you said.
And by the way I love the wall paper in your
home!

P & J (The wanderer and Shakes)

What a woman says:

This place is a mess! Cmon!

You and I need to clean up!

Your stuff is lying on the floor and

Youll have no clothes to wear if we

dont do laundry right now!

What a man hears:

blah blah blah blah blah CMON!

YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!

blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah

blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah

blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

The nun was teaching social studies to a class of young girls. As their weekend homework, she told the girls to do a good deed and report back on Monday.On Monday morning, the first girl reported that she had bought food for a homeless person. A second girl was proud that she had seen someone drop a twenty dollar bill, and she had returned it to its owner… Another girl had spent a few hours reading to a blind person…A group of four girls said they had helped an old lady cross the street…The teacher stopped them at that point. Thats very nice, said the teacher, but why did it take four of you?Well, said one of the four, she didnt seem to want to cross the road too badly.

Woman walks into a bar . . . totally nude and asks the barkeep if he can serve her a drink.

He looks her up and down and says, Well sure, but it doesnt appear by the your appearance that youll be able to pay for it.

The woman throws one leg up on a bar stool and shows what shes got, Will this do? she asks.

The barkeep takes a look and responds, Ya got anything smaller?

En los pueblos siempre hay un tonto. Pues en este pueblo, el tonto era Melquiades. Siempre les gustaba jugarle esta broma:

¡Hey Melquiades! ¿Conoces a Matute?, le decían.

No, no sé quién es., respondía.

¡El que por el culo te metió el shute! ¡Ja ja ja ja!

Y así le hacían la vida a cuadros al pobre Melquiades.

Un día, una persona caritativa decide ayudar a Melquiades para que ya no siguiera siendo víctima de las bromas de sus paisanos.

Mira, le decía el tipo. La próxima vez que te los encontrés, les preguntás si conocen a Max.

¿Y quién es Max?

¡El que te lavó el culo con Ajax! ¡Ja ja ja ja!

¡Ah! Sí, qué buena broma. Se las voy a hacer., dijo Melquiades.

Así que a la siguiente vez que se los topó, inmediatamente les dijo:

¡Hey ustedes! ¿Conocen a Max?

¡Ah, si! Es el primo de Matute, responden.

¿Y quién es Matute…

A Baptist preacher and a catholic preacher are driving out on a road.



The catholic preacher sees a cat in the middle of the road, and slams on his brakes. The cat is avoided, but the Baptist preacher hits the back of the catholic preacher.



They step out of their cars, and begin talking. Oh, I am so sorry, that was my fault, says the Baptist preacher.



While waiting for the cops after they called by cell phone, the preachers soon start talking about their professions to pass the time.



You know, I never understood why catholic preachers dont drink wine to represent Christs blood. The catholic preacher responds, Well, we believe that drinking wine is wrong, and just use grape juice instead. I have a bottle of wine in my glove compartment right now. Tell you what, lets drink a little right now while waiting for the cops.



Oh, no I couldnt, replies the catholic, but after pressuring him, the catholic preacher soon agrees.



The Baptist preacher takes out the wine and a couple of Dixie cups, and pours a little into each. The catholic preacher drinks it down quickly. That wasnt that bad, youre right, the catholic preacher says. Noticing the baptist hasnt drank his wine, he asks, Arent you going to have some?



Oh sure, the other replies, Ill wait until after the cops come though.

Five reasons to believe computers are female:



1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.



2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.



3. The message Bad command or file name is about as informative as, If you dont know why Im mad at you, then Im certainly not going to tell you.



4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.



5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Q: Whats the difference between a wife and a tv, and a mistress and tv with cable?

A: The first one is both are at home and free, the second one is also both at home but with a FEE.

The other day I was eating in an Italian restaurant when I accidentally spilled some spaghetti sauce on my favorite white sweater.

I wasnt too distressed, though, because Mr. Wong down on High Street has been doing my laundry for years, and I knew that he could remove just about any stain and get it out like itd never been there.

So I took the sweater down to Wongs Laundry and dropped it off; Mr. Wong said hed probably be able to have it cleaned by Thursday. So on Thursday afternoon after work I stopped by Wongs again.

Mr. Wong looked quite distressed when he saw me. He brought out the sweater and, apologizing profusely, explained that somehow this stain was beyond even his power to expunge.

And sure enough, though fainter than before, there was still a distinct red stain on the sweater. In an attempt to make up for his failure, Mr. Wong offered to send the sweater to his brother across town, who had been in the laundry business for an even longer time, and who might have a clue as to the method of removal of this extraordinarily persistent stain.

The elder Wong brother would rush it through at no extra charge, and should have it looking as white and clean as new by Friday. So on Friday I went back to Wongs to pick up my sweater, but when I arrived, Mr. Wong regretfully informed me that his brother, too, had failed to remove the red blotch. No charge, said Wong, but you must take sweater elsewhere to clean.

The Moral: … Two Wongs cannot make a white.

January 1, 2000

Dear (enter employee name here)

Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As Im sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.

One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,

432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,

Automated Payroll Processing