Old and New Jokes

An ounce of rejection is worse than a pound of sure.

What does a bee do with its stinger before he goes to bed???

He puts it in his honey!!

Three trained dolphins escaped from their performing pen at a resort in Key Largo, Florida. They were discovered several days later in a lagoon off Key Biscayne, some 55 miles distant.

At 10 a.m., 2 p.m. and 4 p.m. they performed tricks, apparently hoping to be fed on their Key Largo schedule.

Seems my latest Freudian slip came just as my wife arrived back from a week-long business trip in Toronto.

As she grabbed her luggage and headed off, she asked, Did you miss me?

I replied quite innocently, Its been so hard without you.

yo mamma so big she can play pool with the planets

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hales Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,

Well, sonny, I cant remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger.

The owner replies, Well, lets see… Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, I want this color sonny.

To which Nathan replies, Maam Im sorry, but we dont have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?

No son, I want this color.

But maam, they didnt make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you? says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the womans corn!

Llega un borracho a las tantas de la noche a su casa, despacio, para no despertar a su mujer. En eso, la mujer despierta y comienza a insultarlo:

¡Desgraciado, mira en la facha que vienes y la hora que es! Y a mí ni siquiera me compras un vestido. ¡Infeliz!

Balbuciendo, el temulento le responde:

¡Diez años viviendo contigo y no tenía idea que vendías ropa!

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A
man comes in and asks the farmer, Hey, why are you sitting here
on this beautiful day getting drunk?

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So what happened that is so horrible?

Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow
milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her
left leg and kicked it over.

Man: Thats not so bad, whats the big deal?

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So then what happened.

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left
with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her.
Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and
kicked it over.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Somethings ya just cant explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the
right.

Man: So then what did you do?

Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I
got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the
bucket with her tail.

Man: Wow you must have been pretty upset!

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So then what did you do.

Farmer: Well I didnt have any more rope, so I took off my belt
and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell
down and my wife walked in.

So you think your life is bad.



Just think how bad the life of the egg is…



You only get laid once!



You only get eaten once!



It takes 4 minutes to get hard



2 minutes to get soft



You have to share a box with 11 other guys



And the only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother.





(Now dont you feel better)

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: None of them, two dont exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.