Old and New Jokes

If Man were meant to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
10 disciples.

This blonde goes to the doctor, the doctor asks whats wrong? She takes her finger and says while she points my head hurts, my breast hurts, my knee hurts, and my foot hurts. The doctor asks are you really a red head? She gose no im a blonde. The doctor says no wonder your finger is broke.

Jackson is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is this gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward Jackson. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you.They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterward, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. Jackson is amazed. Everything has been incredible! You know, he said, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?No, she replies. You just happened to catch my eye.

one day John got itching in his inner part of the thigh, he went to the chemist and asked for ITCHGUARD, Chemist give him VIAGRA and ITCHGUARD, John ask ITCHGUARD is OK but why VIAGRA?, Chemist tells him, it will help in keeping the blanket up whole night,

An old man is arrested by a game warden that caught him roasting a bald eagle over a campfire. All of the feathers, head, and feet were nearby, and the man admitted that it was indeed a bald eagle that he was about to eat.
When his day in court came, the old man was quickly convicted but pled for mercy on the grounds that hed taken the bird for subsistence in a survival situation. The judge complied, giving the man probation, a small fine, and crediting him for time served. Before letting him leave, though, the judge asked the man to his chambers. He asked, just out of curiosity, what bald eagle tasted like? To which the old man replied,
Oh, a little bit like Condor.

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: Thats no way to address an officer! Now lets try it a gain.

Soldier: Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!

Theres this woman whos in a bar and she walks up to the bartender. He has a beard, and she starts running her fingers through it and eventually sticks a couple of fingers in his mouth.
She asks him if hes the manager, and he says no; so she says: could you tell the manger that theres no handsoap or toilet paper in the ladies room?

My brother used to be a police officer in Chicago. (Hes now a rather
high-up muckity-muck in the police dept., but thats beside the point.)
Hes told me some amusing anecdotes from Chicago police-work.

There was one story about people shoveling the snow for a parking space
in front their house. This apparently is a problem for the Chicago
police every winter. What happens is that somebody will park in a
nearby parking lot, then slave away for how ever many hours it takes to
shovel out a car-sized space in front of his house, naturally so he can
park his car there. Then he goes back to the lot to get his car.

When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken by some
_other_ car. He is, well, upset.

What most people do is write nasty notes etc. and place them on the
windshield of the offending vehicle. Where the police get involved,
however, is the occasional case where the individual vents his wrath
in somewhat more violent means. Tires and throats have been slashed
over this.

One time a fellow got creative. Instead of doing the usual nasty, he
got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, really well. I
mean, very, very thoroughly. The water, of course, froze solid. When
the owner returned, instead of a car, he found a car-sized popsicle.

The note on the car read: You want the space? Here, its yours until
spring!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Carrie!
Carrie who?
Carrie the bags into the house please!

Yo mama so ugly if ugly were bricks shed have her own projects!