Old and New Jokes

Youre so ugly you make blind kids cry!

South Africa, 1885. Coupla days before Rorkes Drift. 100 British soldiers (all dressed in that ridiculous red gear + bearskins) surrounded by 100,000 Zulus. Its been a long hot day and dusk is falling.

General Lord Upper-Class-Chinless-Wonder turns to his batman. Corporal, its too quiet. The natives are up to something and our relieving forces are still 2 days away.

Right on queue the sound of a chant, gradually rising, can be heard. Slowly but surely it reaches a deafening intensity. 100,000 Zulus all belting out their challenge – the prelude to battle.

Just as the soldiers think they can stand it no more the chanting ceases completely. Absolute silence. Almost audible in itself now the Zulus are hushed. The sound of war drums starts and gathers pace gradually until it is all around the defenders.

Once again the General turns to his loyal servant Smith, I dont like the sound of those drums.

At which point all goes quiet and a Zulu pops up from behind bush not 50 yards distant – Its not our regular drummer.

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.
"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. Its $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. Its $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. Its $500,000."
"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"
"Yes, but its from a laywer. Its never been used."

Removing the back cover from a t.v. while its on.
Practicing home dentistry with a nail gun.
Hammering nails (fingernails).
Eating a roll of tin foil for lunch.
Head buting pit bulls.
Body piercing with a rivet gun.
Flossing with barbed wire.
Paying taxes early.
ump starting nipples with a DieHard(tm) battery.
Going to Mary Kay Cosmetics meetings.
Playing Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun.
Giving yourself a 4 gallon (or appropriate metric conversion) ice water enema.
Setting the Guiness Book record for papercuts – followed by an alcohol bath.
Picking the jokes for HUUMOR.COM website.

And the #1 masochistic past-time is…..

READING JOKES AT HUUMOR.COM!

Slight modifications to this joke by the webmaster of this site 🙂

Its time to turn off your computer when…

…you wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, but stop to check your email first.

…you name your children Eudora, Aol, and Dotcom.

…you turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling as if you pulled the plug on a loved-one.

…you spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.

…you decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

…you laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.

…you start using smileys in your snail mail (if you even remember what that is).

…you find yourself typing com after every period when using a word processor.com

…you refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

…you cant call your mother…she doesnt have a modem.

…you check your mail. It says no new messages. So you check it again.

…you dont know what gender your three closest friends are because they have neutral screen-names, and you never bothered to ask.

…you move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.

…you tell the cab driver to take you to http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html.

…you start tilting your head sideways to smile.

Brenda
OMalley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "Ive
somethin to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, youre always welcome,
Tim. But wheres my husband?"

"Thats what Im here to be telling ya, Brenda."

There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery…"

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please
dont tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and
gone. Im sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen,
Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of
Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true,
Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda… no. In fact, he got out three
times to pee."

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbors keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector asked, What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?

Billy Bob replied, I would switch the points for one of the trains.

What if the lever broke? asked the inspector.

Then Id dash down out of the signal box, said Billy Bob, and Id use the manual lever over there.

What if that had been struck by lightning?

Then, Billy Bob continued, Id run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.

What if the phone was busy?

Well in that case, persevered Billy Bob, Id rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.

What if that was vandalized?

Oh, well then Id run into town and go get my Uncle Lester.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, Why would you do that?

Billy Bob answered, Well, Uncle Lester aint never seen a train wreck!

Una secretaria llega a la oficina de su jefe corriendo desde la calle y le avisa:

¡Señor, le acaban de robar el carro!

¡Caramba! ¿Y usted vio la cara del ladrón?

No, señor, no me dio tiempo. Yo estaba anotando el número de la placa.

Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?

Yes, well, Im having trouble with WordPerfect.



What sort of trouble?

Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.



Went away?

They disappeared.



Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

Nothing.



Nothing?

Its blank; it wont accept anything when I type.



Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

How do I tell?



[Uh-oh. Well, lets give it a try anyway.]

Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

Whats a sea-prompt?



[Uh-huh, thought so. Lets try a different tack.]

Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

There isnt any cursor: I told you, it wont accept anything I type.



[Ah–at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/hes kicked out his/her monitors power plug?]



Does your monitor have a power indicator?

Whats a monitor?



Its the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when its on?

I dont know.



Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] Yes, I think so.



Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into the wall.

[pause] Yes, it is.



[Hmm. Well, thats interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I dont want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I dont know what kind of monitor s/he has and its bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?



No.



Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

[muffled] Okay, here it is.



Follow it for me, and tell me if its plugged securely into the back of your computer.

[still muffled] I cant reach.



Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

[clear again] No.



Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

Oh, its not because I dont have the right angle–its because its dark.



Dark?

Yes–the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.



Well, turn on the office light then.

I cant.



No? Why not?

Because theres a power outage.



A power–!?! …[AAAAAAARGH!]A power outage? Aha! Okay, weve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.



Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.



Really? Is it that bad?

Yes, Im afraid it is.



Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?



Tell them youre TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!