Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Romanians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: How many packs of cigarettes are you willing to give them?

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later, Da-ad…

What?

Im thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?

No. You had your chance. Lights out.

Five minutes later: Da-aaaad…

WHAT?

Im THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??

I told you NO! If you ask again Ill have to spank you!!

Five minutes later… Daaaa-aaaad…

WHAT??!!

When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?

Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla, How do you spell dumb?

Darla says, D-u-m-b, dumb.

The teacher says, Very good, now use it in a sentence.

She says, Buckwheat is dumb.

The teacher says, Now spell stupid.

Darla says, S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid.

The teacher says, Very good, now use it in a sentence.

Darla says, Buckwheat is stupid.

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, Buckwheat, spell dictate.

Buckwheat stands and says, D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate.

The teacher says, Very good, now use it in a sentence.

I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!

Once Banta Singh goes to dinner with his friends.Just to have some fun one of his friends asks Banta, How many Idlis can you eat when your stomach is empty?. For which Banta answers promptly – 8 idlis.
His friends laugh at him and say,nobody can eat 8 idlis when their stomach is empty because when they eat the first idli their stomach would no longer be empty.

Banta enjoys the joke very much and as soon as he comes home calls his wife and asks, How many idlis can you eat when your stomach is empty?. She replies – 5 idlis.

Hearing this answer Banta gets furious and replies, You fool! Had you said 8 idlis I would have told you a good joke!

This guy walks up to this movie house with a chicken under his arm. He asked for a ticket. The lady at the counter told him that the chicken was not allowed in the movie house. He said You dont understand! The chicken goes everywhere with me! She told him again that the chicken wasnt allowed so he walked over to a nearby alley. He quickly stuffed the chicken down his pants.

He runs and buys a ticket and sits down.

These two girls come in later and sit by him because they thought he was cute. It was an R rated show. He starts watching the movie. He suddenly remembers

the chicken. He unzips he pants and the chicken heads comes out so it can breathe. The girl next to him taps her hand on her shoulder. The guy next to me is playing with himself!

She replied Just ignore it. I just saw a girl flash her boobs on screen, its kinda a sexy movie just forget about it! A little while later she taps on her friend again. He playing with himself again!!! She replies I told you not to pay any attention! She tells her in a gruff voice, But its eating my popcorn!!!!!

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever been too drunk to fish.

Person 1: I met a man with a wooden leg named Smith.Person 2: What was the name of his other leg?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Randy!
Randy who?
Randy four minute mile!

Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
A: Women working at 900 numbers.

A blonde lady was driving down the road injoying the sceenery and the breeze in her hair when she saw another blonde woman sitting in a row boat in the middle of a field of wheat, rowwing. Hitting hard on the brakes, she spun the car aound and drove back to the woman in the boat. Slamming her car door she stomps over to the edge of the wheat field and yelled It is stupid people like you that give blondes a bad name! And if I could swim, I would come out there and give you what for!