A man was complaining to a friend: I had it all. Money. A beautiful house. A big car. The love of a beautiful woman, then, pow! It was all gone! What happened? asked the friend. My wife found out.
23
May
22
May
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Eunice!
Eunice who?
Eunice boy, let me in!
22
May
A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.
He walks up to the drivers window and asks, You drinkin?
The driver said, You buyin?
22
May
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin.
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded:
My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, Its gonna be great!
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldnt get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who can, do; those who cant, teach.
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasnt quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasnt sure whether it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, I know I have the product. Im just not sure how to position it.
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was — God I miss him!
So now I have married a lawyer, so I know Im going to get screwed!
22
May
Written by a Viet Nam Vet
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
In Memory of The Twin Towers
Warning song to Osama bin Laden
(the tune of Rawhide)
The devil came from nowhere
He attacked us from the sky.
He bloodied up our nation
didnt give a reason why.
Now hes placed a spear in our eye
said its done it Allahs name
So Gods coming lookin for him
And hes got himself to blame.
No more runnin, no more hiding, theres no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isnt movin slow.
You defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.
Just go hidin in your hills
Youll be buried in your caves.
Youll get what youve got comin now
For being Satans slaves.
Youve woke the sleeping giant
From his legendary sleep
Now with open roar like lions
Theres one promise he will keep
No more runnin, no more hiding, theres no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isnt movin slow.
Youve defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.
So dont close your eyes a moment
Cause you surely see death there.
Dont waste your time in moanin
You just havent got a prayer.
You chose to terrify the world
with your sensely killing spree
Brought violence into our lives
Placed hate inside of me.
No more runnin, no more hiding, theres no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isnt movin slow.
Youve defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.
In this peaceful loving Nation
Home of brave and of the free
All are calling up your number
over land and over sea
We have seen the vileness in your soul
the horrors you create
Now this angry nations coming
look around were at your gate
No more runnin, no more hiding, theres no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isnt movin slow.
Youve defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.
Yes this world is coming for you now (Pause) with everything its got.
22
May
A college student his mother and asked her for some money.
His mother said that she would send him money and mentioned that he had left his calculus book when when he visited two weeks ago and asked if she should send it too.
Uhh, oh yeah, o.k. Responded the student.
Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, How much did you give the boy this time?
Mom replied, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000.
Thats $1020! yelled Dad. Are you crazy?
Dont worry hon, Mum said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in
chapter 19!
22
May
A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar.
He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas! and orders a mug of beer.
He gets a pitcher of beer and asks the bartender, man, I heard that things are big down here in Texasm but this is ridiculas! and goes about drinking his beer. He orders another and he gets really pissed drunk.
Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, Where is your washroom??? The bartender says, down the hall, second door on the right.
So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool.
The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams DONT FLUSH IT!!!
22
May
Well, a couple months back there was this trial in the West Virginia courts. A man was being tried for fornicating with a sheep, since thats illegal an all.
Anyway, the key witness was an old fella who was walking along the highway by the farm where the sheep was raised. The prosecutor asked the witness what he saw: Well, I was walkin along, and saw this sheep justa eatin grass. And then this fella walks up from behind the sheep, real quiet-like.
And then what? asked the prosecutor.
Then he unbuckled his belt, and pulled the sheep close.
And what happened after that?
Well, said the witness, they sorta shook for a couple of minutes. THEN, afterwards, the sheep turned around… an licked him!
Just then one of the members of the jury leaned over to the jury member next to him and said, You know… a good sheepll do that.
Rainy WWW
22
May
This is an item from this mornings paper.
When a video jammed in his VCR, Jessop Smith went to a Wilton Manors electronics store for help. When fixing his VCR, the workers there saw what was in the jammed tape and reported it to the police.
Police brought in a pediatrician who certified the female children in the video to be under 18 years of age.
Next day cops posing as store clerks greeted Jessop and followed him to his home at 1232 NE 26th St., where a child porno was playing on a big screen TV.
Now Mr. Smith is in jam instead of his VCR.
22
May
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, Why are some of your hairs white, mom?
Her mother replied, Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, Momma, how come *all* of grandmas hairs are white?