Old and New Jokes

This is one of the funniest pieces I have ever come across. It is apparently from a real log…

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as cybersex. Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as youll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesnt seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does…

Wellhung:Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart:I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, Im toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung:Im 63 and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. Im also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner… it smells funny.
Sweetheart:I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung:OK
Sweetheart:Were in my bedroom. Theres soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. Im looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung:Im gulping, Im beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart:Im pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung:Now Im unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart:Im moaning softly.
Wellhung:Im taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart:Im throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. Im rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung:My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. Im sorry.
Sweetheart:Thats OK, it wasnt really too expensive.
Wellhung:Ill pay for it.
Sweetheart:Dont worry about it. Im wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung:Im fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think its stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart:I take your hand and kiss it softly. Im reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung:How did you do that? Im picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart:Im arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung:Im dropping the bra. Now Im licking your, you know, breasts. Theyre neat!
Sweetheart:Im running my fingers through your hair. Now Im nibbling your ear.
Wellhung:I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart:What?
Wellhung:Im so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart:Im wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung:Im taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart:OK. Im pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung:Im screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart:Im pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung:Im pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you…umm… wait a minute.
Sweetheart:Whats the matter?
Wellhung:Ive got a pubic hair caught in my throat. Im choking.
Sweetheart:Are you OK?
Wellhung:Im having a coughing fit. Im turning all red.
Sweetheart:Can I help?
Wellhung:Im running to the kitchen, choking wildly. Im fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart:In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung:Im drinking a cup of water. There, thats better.
Sweetheart:Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung:Im washing the cup now.
Sweetheart:Im on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung:Im drying the cup. Now Im putting it back in the cabinet. And now Im walking back to the bedroom. Wait, its dark, Im lost. Wheres the bedroom?
Sweetheart:Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung:I found it.
Sweetheart:Im tuggin off your pants. Im moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung:Me too.
Sweetheart:Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately – our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung:Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart:Why dont you take off your glasses?
Wellhung:OK, but I cant see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart:Im bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung:I have to pee. Im fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart:Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung:I find the bathroom and its dark. Im feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart:Im waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung:Im done going. Im feeling around for the flush handle, but I cant find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart:Whats the matter now?
Wellhung:Ive realized that Ive peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. Im walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart:Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung:OK, now Im going to put my… you know… thing… in your… you know… womans thing.
Sweetheart:Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung:Im touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, Im having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart:Im moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I cant stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung:Im flaccid.
Sweetheart:What?
Wellhung:Im limp. I cant sustain an erection.
Sweetheart:Im standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung:Im shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. Im going to get my glasses and see whats wrong.
Sweetheart:No, never mind. Im getting dressed. Im putting on my underwear. Now Im putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung:No wait! Now Im squinting, trying to find the night table. Im feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart:Im buttoning my blouse. Now Im putting on my shoes.
Wellhung:Ive found my glasses. Im putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! Im pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart:Go to hell. Im logging off, you loser!
Wellhung:Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart:(logged off)

Because the punchline is horrible.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Guinevere!
Guinevere who!
Guinevere going to get together!

Un tipo va visitar a su compadre que se encontraba en otra ciudad:

Compadre, le tengo malas noticias: se murió su perico.

¡Cómo que se murió si estaba sano!

Es que se murió cuando se incendió su casa.

¡Cómo que se incendió mi casa!

Sí, se incendió porque se cayó una vela cuando estabamos velando a su mamacita.

¡Cómo que se murió mi mamacita!

Sí, es que no aguantó lo de su hijo.

¡Qué de mi hijo!

Que se cayó de la azotea y se mató.

Me ha dado puras malas noticias, compadre.

No, le traigo una buena.

¿Cuál, compadre?

Que su esposa está embarazada de cinco meses.

¡No, compadre, esa también es mala noticia porque yo aquí tengo ocho meses!

The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

A confused little nine year old boy asks his mother one day,Mom, is God a
man or a woman?

Well, says the boys mother, God is unique. Hes both a man and a woman.

This further confuses the little boy, so he says, Mom, is God black or white?

The mother begins to get a little embarassed, but she answers, God is both
black and white, honey.

The even more confused little boy then asks, Mom, is God gay or straight?

The boys mother mow hesitates, but she answers, Well, God is both gay and
straight, son.

The boy now smiles with understanding. Mom! Now I know! Is God Michael
Jackson?

Twas the night before implementation

and all through the house,

not a system was working,

not even a mouse.

The programmers hung by their tubes in dispair,

in hopes that a miracle soon would be there.

The users were nestled all snug in their beds,

while visions of transactions danced in their heads.

When out of the ADC came such a clatter,

I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear,

but a guru programmer (with a sixpack of beer).

His resume glowed with experience so rare,

and he turned out great code with a bit-pushers flair.

More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,

as he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

On Update! On Inquiry! On Add! On Delete!

On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!

His eyes were glazed-over; fingers nimble and lean,

from weekends and nights in front of a screen.

A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,

soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

Turning Specs into code; Then turned with a jerk;

And laying his finger upon the RUN key,

The system came up and it worked perfectly.

The Updates updated; Deletes, they deleted;

The Inquires inquired, the Closing completed.

He tested each whistle, and tested each bell

with nary an edit, for all had gone well.

The system was finished, the tests were concluded.

The clients last changes were even included.

And the client exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt.

Its just what I asked for, but not what I want!

OPERATIONAL EXCELLENCE?

Once upon a time, an American company and a Japanese company decided to have competitive boat race on the Bear River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they both felt as ready as they could be.

The Japanese won by a mile! Afterwards the American Team became very discouraged by the losses and morale began to sag. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A The Continuous Improvement Team was established to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.

THEIR CONCLUSION: The problem was that the Japanese Team had eight people rowing and one person steering, whereby the American Team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and millions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that too many people were steering and not were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again, the American Teams management structure was totally reorganized to three Steering Director, three Steering Managers, and two Steering Supervisors. Also a new performance system for the person rowing the boat was developed to give more incentive to work harder.

We must give him empowerment and enrichment. That ought to do it.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower to cut costs, sold all of the paddles, canceled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, gave a Superior Performance award to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

A: Nipples!

If Microsoft was jewish …

Instead of getting a General Protection Fault error, your PC would get Ferklempt.
Year 2000 issues are replaced by Year 5760-5761 issues.
Hanukkah screen savers will have Flying Dreidels.
Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.
Your Start button would be replaced with a Lets go! Im not getting any younger! button.
Abort, Retry, Ignore would be replaced with Stop it already – Youre killing me!, You vant I should try it again?, I didnt hear that!.
When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to Remove the cable from your PCs tuchis.
Your multimedia player would be renamed to Nu, so play my music already!.
Internet Explorer would now have a spinning Star of David in the upper right corner.
You would hear the tune Hava Nagila during startup.
Microsoft Office would include A little byte of this, and a little byte of that.
When running scandisk, you will be prompted with a You vant I should fix this? message.
When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud Oy!!!.
A monitor cleaning solution from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the schmutz on your monitor.
After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go Schloffen.
Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.