Old and New Jokes

When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied,


So did my arthritis.

I got this one from my sister:

Q: Did you hear about the day after pill for men?

A: It changes their blood type.

(I heard the British actor Peter Ustinov tell this one on T.V. after he had
been on a visit to the Soviet Union)

One Russian and one Polish workman were digging the foundations for a new
road. After several hours of hard toil, the Polish guy hits his shovel on
something hard in the ground. Both men work hurriedly to dig the object out
and discover that its a treasure chest. On opening it they find jewels,
coins, gold etc. beyond their wildest dreams. Both are wild with happiness
and dance around madly. When they have calmed down, the Russian takes the
Polish workmans hand and earnestly says, Sir, we will share this just like
Russian – Polish comrades should, and the Polish guy says, Oh no, 50–50.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, I dont understand any of this. Ive been to every lecture all semester long! Whats the deal? And who are you? Wheres the regular guy?

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husbands funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, Wouldnt it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that hes wearing?

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the funeral, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the funeral director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, Actually, it didnt cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So… I switched the heads

Las 10 mejores frases para ser dichas si te sorprenden durmiendo en el trabajo o en una reunión:

1. Me dijeron en el banco de sangre que esto podía suceder.

2. Es sólo una siesta de 15 minutos para recuperar las energías, como me enseñaron en el curso de gerenciamiento de tiempo que ustedes me mandaron hacer.

3. Estaba imaginando cómo es la vida de un ciego.

4. ¡No estaba durmiendo! Estaba meditando sobre la misión de la empresa e intentando descubrir un nuevo paradigma.

5. Quería verificar si mi teclado es a prueba de baba.

6. Estaba haciendo un ejercicio altamente especifico de yoga para aliviar el estrés del trabajo. ¿Ustedes discriminan a las personas que practican yoga?

7. ¿Por qué me interrumpió? Casi estaba llegando a una solución para nuestro mayor problema.

8. La máquina del café está malograda.

9. Alguien debe haber puesto café descafeinado en el frasco equivocado.

Pero de todas estas, la mejor escapatoria es:

10. … en el nombre del Padre, del Hijo y del Espíritu Santo. Amén.

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!, she exclaimed.



No, said the genie, You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.



Lets see, says Monica, I dont need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage….



And I dont need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, Ill have all the money I could ever want…



I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yeah, thats it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed.



Poof, and just like that, her ears were gone!

Ten – one to screw it in and nine to sing about how much they miss the old one.

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wifes wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it. You know where the button is. I protested through the shower. Reset it yourself! I am scared! She pleaded. What if it starts going and sucks me in? (Pause) Cmon, itll only take a second. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasnt a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needlelike claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the flight option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. Whats the matter, cat got your tongue? If they had only known.

Source unknown. Sent to me via my niece.

A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.