Old and New Jokes

Are you really that bald or is your neck just blowing a bubble?

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman Give me six double vodkas.

The barman says Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.

Yes, Ive just found out my older brother is gay.

The next day the same guy came into the bar and placed the same order for drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, Ive just found out that my younger brother is gay too!

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said Darn! Doesnt anybody in your family like women?

Yeah, my wife…

1 Man: Havent we met before? Woman: Yes, Im the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.

2 Man: So, wanna go back to my place? Woman: Well, I dont know. Will two people fit under a rock?

3 Man: Id really like to get into your pants. Woman: No thanks. Theres already one asshole in there.

4 The rebuttal to a turn-down: Man: Want to Dance? Woman: No thanks. Man: Dont thank me, thank God because somebody asked you.

5 Man: Id like to call you. Whats your number? Woman: Its in the phone book. Man: But I dont know your name. Woman: Thats in the phone book too.

6 Man: So what do you do for a living? Woman: Female impersonator.

7 Man: You know, Id really love to travel to exotic places with you. Woman: (tries to ignore him) Man: You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that? Woman: Hmmm…you really love sex and travel? Man: (nods his head smiling) Woman: Then go take a fuckin hike!!!

8 I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him, Can you pound a railroad spike through a 2×4 with your hard-on? To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, Well, a girls gotta have her standards.

9 Man: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?) Woman: Je voudrais bien, mais je nai rien a porter. (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear

10 Q: What sign were you born under?

A: No Parking.

11 A guy comes up to a girl and tells her some pick-up line. She grabs his crotch, looks down at it, looks back at him, and says, Sorry, I dont see any potential here and nonchalantly walks off.

12 And heres one including the correct snappy return Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized, fuck off!

13 After hearing a pick-up line: Woman: I like your approach, now lets see your departure.

14 A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60s approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, Where have you been all my life? She took one glance at him and said, For the first half of it, I probably wasnt born yet.

15 A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, What are you looking at? My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken.

16 While at college, a few friends were discussing how their passes had been rejected by the intended female recipient. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once… When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, Hey, come on, were both here at this bar for the same reason! She responded, Yeah! Lets pick up some chicks! He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.

17 The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge lizard made his move. Im here, he breathed huskily, to fulfill your every sexual fantasy. The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates. She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line, Youve got a large donkey or Doberman?

18 Sorry, I dont date outside my species.

19 Man: Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time. Woman: You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body cant cash.

We have a stringent rule against chewing gum in our house, which led
to the following amusing episode:

My wife and I were discussing with our children a recent accident where a
man died trying to save his wife. My wife said that she would rather I
stay alive to take care of the kids. I said to the kids Wouldnt it be
terrible if Mommy and Daddy both died in an accident? The seven year old
solemnly agreed that it would be terrible. The five year old thought for
a few seconds, then brightened and said, At least we could have gum!

My husband and I had just finished tucking our four young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Erics room.

Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind.

Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Erics ear.Eric was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from my husbands hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, Do it again, Dad!

Eating with Children

A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.

All during the sit-down dinner, the hosts three-year-old girl stared at her fathers boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him.

He asked her, Why are you staring at me?

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I dont want to miss it!

Your momma is so fat that when God made light, he had to ask her to move!

Una mañana después de estar recogiendo fruta en el bosque Blanca Nieves llego a la casa de los enanos pero ellos no se encontraban en casa. Blanca Nieves estaba muy cansada así que subió a la recámara donde se encontraban las camas las juntó, se quitó la ropa y se durmió sobre las camas.

Horas después los enanos llegaron a casa después de una larga jornada de trabajo en las minas, subieron a la recámara en fila como era costumbre, y cuando el enano que iba en el frente de la fila vio a Blanca Nieves que se encontraba durmiendo desnuda sobre las camas exclamó: ¡Una mujer!, y los demás enanos repitieron: una mujer, una mujer, una mujer y así hasta terminar con todos.

Después el enano dijo ¡está desnuda! Está desnuda, está desnuda, está desnuda, está desnuda.

¡Es grande!, es grande, es grande, es grande, es grande…

De pronto Blanca Nieves despertó y se puso de pie y el enano que se encontraba al frente de la fila sorprendido dijo: ¡Se paró!

Y los enanos siguieron:

¡A mi también, a mí también, a mí también, a mí también…

What do parsley and pubic hair have in common?

You have to move them both aside before you eat

Two Texas Aggies (Texas A&M…) are working a construction job installing drywall.

The more senior one notices that the junior guy is throwing away about half of the his nails, and inquires.

The junior guy tells him that the ones hes throwing out have the head on the wrong side.

You idiot! exclaims the supervisor, Dont throw those away! Those are perfectly good nails, and, pointing to the other side of the room, they just go on that wall over there.