Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Albert!
Albert who!
Albert you dont know who this is!

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self hypnosis.

To her joy, everything got much better.

However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes.

This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him.

There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique:

Shes not my wife… Shes not my wife… Shes not my wife…

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?

An insurance company.

Un joven y un viejo trabajaban en oficinas conjuntas. El muchacho había notado que el anciano siempre tenía un frasco lleno de maní en su escritorio. Como el chico amaba los maníes, un día que el carcamal no estaba en su escritorio no se pudo resistir y fue a la oficina del viejo y se comió casi medio tarro. Cuando aquel regresó, éste se sintió apenado y le confesó al vetusto. Sin darle importancia, el viejo lo animó:

Está bien, desde que perdí mi dentadura sólo puedo chuparle el chocolate a los M & M.

This lady goes to the doctor for a check up.

When she gets home her husband asks, So how did the appointment go?

She replies, He said, I have the body of a twenty year old.

Her husband says, Oh yeah. and what did he have to say about your forty year old ass?

She says, Your name didnt come up.

…they should give him a sex change and send him back to Afghanistan

A Ukraine businessman who bought a pager for each member of his staff as a New Years gift, was so alarmed when all 50 of them went off at the same time that he drove his car into a lamp post, a newspaper said Thursday.

The unnamed businessman was returning from the pager shop when the accident happened, the Fakty daily reported.

With no more than 100 meters to go to the office, the 50 pagers on the back seat suddenly burst out screeching.

The businessmans fright was such that he simply let go of the steering wheel and the car ploughed into a lamp post.

After he had assessed the damage to the car, the businessman turned his attention to the message on the 50 pagers. It read: Congratulations on a successful purchase!

A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns entitled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then she came to the column: SALARY EXPECTED.

Yes.

Your opening line is, So whats your home page address?
Your best friend is someone youve never met.
You see a beautiful sunset, and you half expect to see Enhanced for Netscape 1.1 on one of the clouds.
You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed when you encounter a Web page with no links.
You feel driven to consult the Cool Page of the Day on your wedding day.
You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening toward the flimsy guardrail that separates you from the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death. You look for the Back button.
You visit The Really Big Button that Doesnt Do Anything again and again and again.
Your dog has his own Web page.
So does your hamster.
… And the No. 1 sign that you have overdosed on the WWW:
When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

Six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like. Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience.

The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, Humans are flat.

The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human, agreed.