Llega una viejita a la farmacia:
Me da unas pÃldoras anticonceptivas para dormir.
¿Para dormir, señora? ¿Y le dan buenos resultados?, pregunta interesado el farmacéutico.
Pues, fÃjese que sÃ, porque cuando mis nietas se van con sus novios les doy una pildorita y ¡viera que tranquila me quedo!
Why did the Blonde throw bread crumbs down the loo??
To feed the toilet duck!!!
A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said “Why did you put up such a fight?â€To which the man promptly replied “I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!â€
Well this will probably fill my mail box with flames but well the title warns you…
Q: Did you know why they havent found a cure for AIDS yet?
A: They cant get the mice to butt fuck.
John, Tom, Paul and Sam are playing golf one spring day, walking the course and chatting among themselves as golfers are want to do. It was a great day with pars, bogies and doubles liberally spread amongst the group.
As they arrived at the 11th green, nestled into the corner of the course at the intersection of two busy streets, John removed his hat and lowered his head as a large funeral procession passed by.
The other members of the foursome were more than a little impressed. John, Paul said. that is one of the nicest gestures I have ever seen. Most golfers would have putted out and gone on their way.
John looked up at the group with a tear in his eye. Its the least I could do, He replied. we would have been married twenty six years this Thursday.
First guy (proudly): My wifes an angel!
Second guy: Youre lucky, mines still alive.
A fish!
1. So your daughters a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, its really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire… I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
3. You had your bladder removed and youre on the mend.
Heres a bouquet of flowers … and a box of Depends.
4. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be.
But dont fret about it… She moved in with me.
5. Looking back over the years that weve been together, I cant help butwonder .. What the hell was I thinking!
6. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.
7. How could two people as beautiful as you… Have such an ugly baby?
8. Ive always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you …. Ive changed my mind.
9. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life….
I never believed in Hell till I met you.
10. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
that youre not here to ruin it for me.
11. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go … would you like to take this knife out of my back? Youll probably need it again.
12. Someday I hope to get married … but not to you.
13. Happy birthday! You look great for your age…
Almost Lifelike!
14. When we were together you always said youd die for me. Now that weve broken up, I think its time you kept your promise.
15. We have been friends for a very long time ….. I say we stop!
16. Im so miserable without you …. its almost like youre here.
17. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?
18. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So were having you put to sleep.
19. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky, and West Virginia)
On the eve of her wedding, the bride-to-be confessed to her best friend that she was worried about her husband finding out that she wasnt a virgin.
No problem, said the friend. Just go out and buy yourself a nice piece of liver and put it up inside you just before you have sex. Youll feel nice and tight and hell never know the difference.
She went ahead and followed her friends advice.
On her wedding night, she and her new husband went wild. They did it in the tub, they did it on the floor, they did it just about everywhere.
The bride woke up the next morning and found her new hubby was gone and all that was left was a note that read:
Sweetheart, I love you very much. I feel terrible about what has happened. I cant go on after this, and I know now that we can never have a life together.
Goodbye darling.
P.S: …Your pussy is in the refrigerator!
A lovely young thing was walking down the Kings Road in Chelsea, wearing the tightest pair of jeans you ever saw.
A young man approached her and said, I hope you dont mind me asking, but how on earth does anyone get into jeans like that?
Well, she said, you could start by buying me a Martini!