Old and New Jokes

What is the difference between a Jewish mother and and Italian mother???

-The Italian mother says to her child eat this or ill kill you while the jewish mother says to her child eat this or ill kill myself

15 – You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.
14 – Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13 – Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12 – Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11 – For some reason, theres salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10 – Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Beas pancakes.
9 – For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you couldve bought the automobile.
8 – Youre now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7 – Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6 – Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5 – Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, its Vomit Man!"
4 – The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long itll take you to find your pants.
3 – Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2 – Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1 – Youre now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

I originally posted this to comp.dcom.telecom, someone suggested I
send it to here, too.

The August 14 edition of Yerushalaim (a Jerusalem local newspaper)
contains a copy of a letter that Bezeq, the Israeli telco, mailed to a
phone booth which it owns.

The form letter is addressed to Bezeq, Inc. at the address at which
the phone booth is located (155 Costa Rica Street), and informs the
subscriber that while in the past, its bill was computed by reading a
meter, which made it impossible to obtain a listing of calls made,
this will now be possible (at a fee, of course, something that Bezeq
did not mention to the phone booth).

The letter-carrier delivered the letter by placing it inside the phone
booth.

Bezeq responded that the program that sends out mailings will be
corrected. The phone booth was unavailable for comment.

Q: Why is the book Women Who Love Too Much a disappointment for many men?
A: No phone numbers.

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, Arent you Moses?

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the mans view and asked again, Arent you Moses?

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the mans sleeve and asked once again, Arent you Moses?

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, Yes I am.

George W. asked him why he was so uppity.

Moses replied, The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!

Its the way you say it…

A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, Where does you go to school?

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.

Yale, she replied.

The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?

En la facultad de medicina de una prestigiosa universidad, varios estudiantes están en el laboratorio de fisiología. El médico profesor, como es su costumbre, inicia la clase con una pregunta sobre los temas vistos en el laboratorio anterior y, para ello, escoge al azar a una alumna que no había estudiado.

El profesor pregunta:

Señorita, dígame: ¿cuántos mililitros eyacula, en promedio, un hombre?

La alumna, nerviosa, responde: 200 mililitros, profesor.

El profesor, muy circunspecto, la mira y comenta:

Señorita, temo decirle que a usted la mearon.

A man was looking for a new caddy one day when his friend said I know a great caddy – he is 90 years old but he has eyes like a hawk

OK then said the man tell him Im playing again in a week.

The week passed and they started to play. The golfer hit a perfect drive and he said to the caddy did you see where it went

The caddy then said yes

OK then where is it?

The caddy replied I forgot.

So i was at a movie yesterday and this guys phone behind me rang. I told him shhhhh! then the guy behind me told me you shhhh!.

His phone rang again and i told him to shhhhhhhhh! once again he said YOU SHHHHH!.

His phone rang once again and i told him SHHHHHHH! and he told me SHUT UP!

I got up and almost punched him, but i saw my WWJD(what would Jesus do) braclet…………so i lit him on fire and sent him to hell.

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the Generals office. Since we werent actually at war, the General began, I cant give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.

What weve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. Well start on the left, boys, so whatll it be?

Soldier 1: The tip of me head to me toes, sahr! General: Very good son, thats 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds

Soldier 2: The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!

General: Even better son, thats 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds

Soldier 3: The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!

General: Thats a strange but fair request, son!

As the general begins the measurement: What! Son, where is your left pinky?

Soldier 3: Falkland Island, sahr!