Once upon a time, there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch.The curse prevented the prince from speaking or writing but for only one word each year.However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words.One day, he met a beautiful princess and fell madly in love with her.With the greatest difficulty, he refrained from speaking for 2 whole years so that he could look at her and say, My darling. But at the end of these 2
years, he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited 3 more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5.At the end of these 5 years, he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another 4 years without speaking.Finally, as the 9th year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said, My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind her dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, Pardon?
Three strings walked by a bar and noticed a sign outside it that said NO STRINGS ALLOWED.
Indignant at the discrimination the first string decided to go in and order a drink.
The bartender said Cant your read? and when the string refused to leave he picked it up and tossed it out the door.
The second string tried the same thing and when it also refused to leave the bartender punched it and threw it out the door as well.
The third string thought for a few seconds, then scraped itself along the sidewalk harshly until it was ragged all over. Then it twisted itself inside out and around and around until its middle was all in a bunch.
Then it entered the bar, got up on a stool and ordered a martini.
Say, asked the bartender suspiciously, arent you the string I just threw out of here?
Fraid not, replied the string.
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,
Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.
Because, the man says, I live in a two-story house.
The Judge replies, What kind of a reason is that! Whats the big deal about a two-story house?
The man answers, Well Judge, one story is…**I have a headache** and the other story is **Its that time of the month!**
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.
And just how would I go about doing that? he asked.
It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate.
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold, the plates were full of 20 dollar bills! Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
Crap! exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
Found it on soc.culture.sri-lanka ….
The dean of Engineering had once walked into a class, and said
Good Morning. The whole class chorused Good Morning.
Hi, you are freshmen arent you? he asked.
One student bolder than the others asked him how he knew.
Well, he said. When I say Good Morning to a class, if they are
freshmen they say Good Morning too. If they are sophomores, they
quietly fold their papers away, and look at me. A class of Juniors
will look at me over the top of their papers, and then get back to
them. A class of Seniors will ignore my greeting, and keep reading
the papers. When I say Good Morning to a class of graduate students,
they write it down.
Whats a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotofpuss !
Whats a gay dinosaur? A lickdicknopuss !
BONN, Germany (Reuter) — Thousands of Germans are keeping unfortunate surnames such as Kotz (Vomit), Moerder (Murder), Brathuhn (Roast chicken) and even Hitler, even though they could legally change them, a magazine reported Sunday.
The German phonebook lists hundreds of people with the surname Faul (Lazy), Fett (Fat), Dreckmann (Filth-man), Dumm (Stupid) and Schwein (Pig), the weekly Focus magazine said in an advance release ahead of publication Monday.
Unflatteringly named Germans said that they mainly had problems with their names as children and that later in life they had decided not to bow to social pressure to change them.
Why should I have a different name from my father and grandfather? said one Herr Schwein.
Your mommas so fat that when she sits on a penny Lincoln dies once again!!