Old and New Jokes

He became a vegetable for life.

An English guy is driving with a Polish guy as his passenger, when he decides to pull over because he suspect that his turn signal may not be working.

He asks the Polish guy if he doesnt mind stepping out of the car to check the lights while he tests them. The Polish guy steps out and stands in front of the car.

The English guy turns on the turn signal and asks, Is it working?

To which the Polish guy responds, Yes, its working….No, its not working….Yes, its working….No, its not working….

A pastor who was badly overworked went to the local medical center and was able to have a clone made. The clone was like the pastor in every respect–except that the clone used extraordinarily foul language. The cloned pastor was exceptionally gifted in many other areas of pastoral work, but finally the complaints about the dirty language were too much.The pastor was not too sure how to get rid of the clone so that it wouldnt look like murder. The best thing, he decided, was to make the clones death look like an accident. So the pastor lured the clone onto a bridge in the middle of the night and pushed the clone off the bridge.Unfortunately there was a police officer who happened by at that very moment and arrested the pastor for making an obscene clone fall.

Heres a story I found this week in the Charleston [West Virginia] Gazette in a column by a man named Terry Marchal. He publishes humorous things that people send to him…

There was this very delicate, proper and elegant woman who was planning a family camping vacation in Florida. She wrote to a campground for a reservation.

This woman abhorred what campgrounds refer to as pit toilets (known in West Virginia as outhouses) and wanted to know if the area had bathhouses with flush toilets. She didnt want to write toilet.

Campground guides and brochures use abbreviations for camping facilities and the woman remembered something about B.C. which, she recalled, meant bathroom commode. So, in her letter, she wanted to know if the camping facility had a B.C.

The campground owner was unfamiliar with B.C. He showed the letter to several people. Most were baffled. One knowledgeable camper, however, said he knew what it was. She was referring to a Baptist church. So the campground owner sent the following letter:

Dear Madam,

A B.C. is located 9 miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. It is located in a beautiful pine grove and is opened on Sundays and Wednesdays.

It is a beautiful structure — red brick and well-kept. My daughter met her husband there.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time.

It pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but is surely not due to lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in the cold weather.

If you decide to come to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. We are a friendly community.

Late one night a car was swerving all over the road. A police officer pulled them over and went up to the vehicle. He then noticed it was the local preacher, Father McBrian. The officer then asked him why he was swerving all over the road. He said he wasnt.

The officer immediately asked him, Father, have you been drinking? No… replied Father.

Is that liquor in your bottle there Father? suggested the officer. No its just my water answered Father.

The officer took it and smelled it. He then said Father this is wine.

Father then burst Praise the Lord, Hes Done It Again!

Entra un turista a una farmacia en Brasil y le dice al farmacéutico:

Deme una aspirina, por favor…

El negro saca una aspirina enorme, del tamaño de un plato y se la envuelve. El tipo, confundido le pregunta:

¿No tiene una aspirina más chiquita? ¿Una de tamaño normal?

Y el negro le responde: ¡En Brasil fabricamos as aspiriñas mais grandes du mundu!

El tipo, asombrado, acepta la enorme aspirina y dice:

Deme un tubo de pasta dentífrica, por favor.

El negro saca un tubo del tamaño de un termo y le dice: ¡En Brasil fabricamos o tubo do pasta dentífrica máis grande du mundu! ¿Vocé gusta algo máis?

El tipo lo piensa un poco y le responde:

No, gracias negro, los supositorios los compro de regreso a mi país.

Tres amigas charlan sobre su vida sexual:

“A José, cuando hacemos el amor, se le calientan los testículos”, dice una de ellas.

“Parece que eso le pasa a todos los hombres, porque a Juan también le sucede lo mismo”, responde otra.

“Pues yo no me he fijado con Luis, pero esta noche lo sabré”, dice la tercera.

Al otro día, la mujer de Luis aparece con un ojo morado, un brazo enyesado y cardenales por todo el cuerpo.

“¿Qué te pasó?”, inquieren preocupadas las dos amigas.

“Fue Luis”.

“¿Luis? ¿Pero, por qué te golpeó así?”

“Es que anoche, cuando hacíamos el amor, le toque los testículos para confirmar lo que habíamos hablado y, al ver que los tenía calientes, le dije: Se te calentaron al igual que a José y Juan”.

A Bishop invited his three sons home for a midwinter get-together.


On the cold first morning of their stay, he stood warming himself at a roaring log fire as the first son, a Parson, appeared from bed.


Good morning father,said he.


Good morning,son replied the Bishop,Did you sleep well?.


Wonderful sleep, I dreamt I was in heaven.


Great!, Come and stand by the fire said the Bishop.


Good morning, son, did you sleep well?.


He asked his second son, also a Parson.


Marvelous, I dreamt I was an angel!. And he went to stand in front of the fire. The third, a commercial traveller appeared.


Good morning said the Bishop, not so eagerly, How was your night?.


I dreamt I was in Hell said he, And it was just like home- you couldnt get near the fire for Parsons.

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.

He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. Hey, buddy, thats a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? Ive got a phone in my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, Yes, I have a phone.

The driver of the Yugo said, Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? Ive got one in the back seat of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, Yes, I have a refrigerator.

The driver of the Yugo said, Thats great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!

The driver of the Yugo said, Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce.

The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night.

It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasnt any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out.

I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce, the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!

A Freudian Slip is when you mean to say Please pass the salt, but it comes
out as You damn bitch, youve ruined my life.