Old and New Jokes

PRESS RELEASE:



Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary



President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Chretien issued the following statement:



CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM!



WE HAVE PLEDGED:

– 2 BATTLE SHIPS,

– 600 GROUND TROOPS,

– 6 FIGHTER JETS.



AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH:

– 2 CANOES,

– 6 MOUNTIES,

– AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store. The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.

The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, meow, the cop says, oh, its only a cat



He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, woof, woof.



The cop says, its only a dog.



He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, potato

A rabbi, burdened by the importance of his work, went into the synagogue to pray. Falling to his knees, he lamented, O Lord, I am nothing! I am nothing!

Just then a Jewish judge passed by and overhearing the prayer was moved to join the rabbi on his knees. Shortly, he too, was crying aloud, O Lord, I too am nothing! I am nothing!

The janitor of the temple, awed by the sight of the two men praying joined them, crying, O Lord, I also am nothing! I am nothing!

At this, the judge nudged the rabbi and said, Now look who thinks hes nothing!

Is that your head or is your neck blowing a bubble?

Bill gates has been in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. Well, Bill, Im really confused on this call. Im not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. Im going to do something Ive never done before. In your case, Im going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell.

Bill replied, Well, whats the difference between the two?

St. Peter: Im willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.

Bill: Fine, but where should I go first?

St. Peter: Ill leave that up to you.

Okay then, said Bill, Lets try Hell first.

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

This is great! he told St. Peter. If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!

Fine, said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.

Hmmm. I think Id prefer Hell, he told St. Peter.

Fine, retorted St. Peter, as you desire. So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. Hows everything going? he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I cant believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?

That was a demo, replied St. Peter.

I never make the same mistake twice–Im too busy making new ones.

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was
in progress and the country preacher talked
at length of the good traits of the deceased,
what an honest man he was, and what a loving
husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered
to one of her children, Go up there and take
a look in the coffin and see if thats your pa.

I think that I shall never see
a hazard rougher than an tree; A tree oer which my ball must fly
if on the green it is to lie; A tree which stands that green to guard,
and makes the shot extremely hard; A tree whose leafy arms extend
to kill the six iron shot I send; A tree that stands in silence there,
while angry golfers rave and swear. Irons were made for fools like me
who cannot ever miss a tree.

One day, a man complained to his friend, My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor.

His friend said, Dont do that. Theres a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.

The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise andvarious lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.

It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in thisample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises,flashedlights, and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant….twin girls. They arent yours. Get a lawyer.

And…. if you dont stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!

Our beer, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk, at home as it is in public.
Forgive us this day our daily spillage As we forgive those who spillest against us.
And lead us not into the practice of sissy wine tasting, and deliver us from DUIs for mine is the barley, the hops and the malt, forever and ever;

BARMEN