Old and New Jokes

Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire…on her house

The ASPCA raids your kitchen.

You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. Itll be back.

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Six. One to screw it in, one for support, and four to share the experience. This joke was once overheard being told by a lecturer to a class of students during a lecture, in order to make a point about the fact that only one student was doing any work at the terminal while a whole bunch had crowded round to watch – sharing the experience of him doing the work.

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers.

Hi is Tony home?

No he went to the store.

Well, you mind if I wait?

No come in.

They sit down and the friend says You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. Id give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.

Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell – a hundred bucks.

She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. Ill give you another 100 bucks if I could
just see the both of them together.

Nora thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look.

Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he cant wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home
and his wife says You know your weird friend Chris came over.

Tony thinks about this for a second and says Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?

A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of the toilet. But each time he looked up, the illuminated sign proclaimed that it was occupied.

The stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested that he uses the airplanes new prototype womens loo. But he must not press any of the buttons inside. The were labelled WW,WA,PP, and ATR.



The mans curiousity got the best of him and he started pressing the buttons one by one.



When he pressed WW, Warm, fragrant Water was sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, wow, the women really have it made.



Still curious, he pressed the button marked WA, and a gentle breeze of Warm Air quickly dried his hindquarters. He thought this was fantastic and reached for the button marked PP.



This yielded a large Powder Puff that delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Naturally, he couldnt resist the last button marked ATR.



When he woke up in the hospital, he buzzed for the nurse. What happened to me? The last thing I remember is that I was in the new ladies room on a plane.



Yes, replied the nurse, apparently you were having a great time until you pressed the ATR button, which stands for AUTOMATIC TAMPON REMOVER. Your penis is under your pillow.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Izzy!
Izzy who?
Izzy come, Izzy go!

What was the astronaut doing on the computer?

Looking for the space bar.

Q: How does a blonde guy take a shower? A: He pees against the wind.

Forwarded from a good Presbyterian

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macys. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. Id like to buy a bra for my wife.

What type of bra? asked the clerk.

Type? inquires the man There is more than one type?

Look around, said the sales lady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material. Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras, continued the sales clerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The sales lady replied The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type the Presbyterian type, and the Jewish type. Which one do you need?

Still confused the man asked, What is the difference between them?

The sales lady responded It is all really quite simple.

The Catholic type supports the masses,
the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen,
the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,

and
the Jewish type makes mountains out of mole hills.

Prime Minister of Romania: What kind of year will 1988 be?

Economics Minister: Average, sir.

PM: What do you mean, average?

EM: Average. Better than 1989, not as good as 1987.

Fred Wamsley