29
Apr

OFF THE WIRE – News We Just Couldnt Pass Up

A retired beer taster is suing a major Brazilian brewer which, he claims, is responsible for his becoming an alcoholic.

Three people in Thailand became seriously ill after eating soil from a temple compound that was said to possess magic therapeutic powers.

A polite thief apologized for stealing a London womans car in a note saying he had to take his pregnant wife to the hospital.

Casinos in Atlantic City, N.J., accepted bogus $100 bills for a whole weekend till a sharp-eyed prostitute noticed and helped police bust the counterfeiters.

A Sri Lankan government official popped a bribe into his mouth when detectives pounced on him, then bit a policeman who tried to retrieve the money.

A young hummingbird that considered an 11-year-old California boy a likely nesting spot clung to his curly hair for three hours before teachers were able to pluck it free.

A would-be car thief in Hammond, La., who spotted an unlocked car with the motor running changed his mind in a hurry when he came face to face with the owners 9-foot python.

The Internal Revenue Service center in northern Kentucky has been selling unused income-tax forms to be recycled into toilet paper.

A researcher says Fiji was populated by a race of cheerful, mountain-dwelling dwarfs before the arrival of the Melanesians, who are generally regarded as the South Pacific nations first settlers.

New Delhi burglars dug a tunnel to rob a jewelers shop but ended up in a washing-machine store next door.

Toronto art critics are going ape over paintings by Charles, a 440-pound gorilla that commands up to $585 a painting.

Compiled by Ivan Weiss

From The Seattle Times, Saturday, June 3, 1995

29
Apr

Daughters Marriages

A Mother had three daughters and on their weddings, she tells each one of them
to write back about their marriage life.

And the first one gets married. The second day the letter arrives with a single
message… simply, Maxwell Coffeehouse. Mother got confused and finally
noticed in a Maxwell, and it says, Satisfaction to the last drop… So, Mother
is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. Only after a week was there a message
that reads, Rothmans. So the Mother looks into the Rothmans ad, and it says,
Life Size, King Size. And Mother is happy.

Then it was the third ones wedding. Mother was anxious. Only after four weeks
came the message, British Airways. And Mother looks into the BA ad, but this
time she fainted. The ad reads, Two times a day, four times a week, both ways.

28
Apr

Q: How many Minbari

Q: How many Minbari does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
A: None. They never finish the job and they refuse to tell you why.

28
Apr

Bonifacio va a la casa

Bonifacio va a la casa de un amigo y ve un piano nuevo.

¡Oh, un piano!

Sí, lo compré con la esperanza de que mi hija, al verlo, se entusiasme y aprenda a tocarlo, dice el amigo.

No tengas muchas esperanzas, hace mucho compré unas maletas nuevas, pero la suegra todavía no se ha ido de la casa, dice Bonifacio dando un largo suspiro.

28
Apr

Dos amigas estn platicando sus

Dos amigas están platicando sus asuntos:

¡Ay, ya no hallo qué hacer con mi marido!

¿Por qué?

Mira, se pasa todo el día leyendo y a mí ¡ni me para! Me pongo ropa sexy y ¡nada! Me paseo desnuda por toda la casa y nada. Me acuesto en posiciones sensuales y provocativas y él nada de nada. Pero, sabes, el otro día fue diferente: me pidió que me acostara desnuda a su lado; entonces me sobó las tetas, más y más. Mientras tanto, yo me iba poniendo caliente; luego me fue tocando más y más abajo; más abajo. Luego, cuando llego allí, me metió el dedo, se lo mojó y paso la página.

28
Apr

Pepito llega a la escuela

Pepito llega a la escuela recordando que no había hecho la tarea, por lo que decide improvisar cuando la maestra le llama:

A ver, Pepito, léenos tu ensayo a las madres.

Y comienza Pepito:

Oh, madre querida. Tú estabas atendiendo a mi papá y a sus amigotes, y yo te ayudaba en la cocina, cuando mi padre te llamó y tú me gritaste: Pepito, tráete 2 cervezas. Yo corrí al refrigerador, abrí la puerta y mire dentro. De inmediato regrese contigo y exclamé: ¡MADRE, SÓLO HAY UNA!

28
Apr

Una maana estaban el esposo

Una mañana estaban el esposo y la esposa durmiendo, al rato al esposo le tocó irse a trabajar y su esposa aprovechó para entrar a su amante. Después de unos minutos orgásmicos, a su esposo se le olvidó que había dejado el portafolio y se devolvió por él:

Amor, se me olvidó el portafolios.

Los amantes no saben que hacer:

Métete en el clóset.

Se metió en el clóset y no se dio cuenta de que se le quedaron las güevas afuera y eran negras como la noche.

Entró el esposo y al ver eso exclamó:

Oh, mi amor, compraste equipo de sonido, déjame probarlo.

Y empezó a darle vueltas y vueltas.

El amante no sabía que hacer, pero algo lo iluminó y dijo:

¡Alerta, alerta le habla la Radio Cabuya. Una vuelta mas y esta güeva será suya!

28
Apr

Trouble at the local bar…

A guy goes into a bar and says, Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts! The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.



The guy drinks it fast. Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!

The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.



The guy drinks it fast. Quick another beer before the trouble starts!

The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.



Again, the guy drinks it fast. Quick another beer before the trouble starts!

The barman replies, Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?



I havent got any money!

28
Apr

Stay away from hurricanes for

Stay away from hurricanes for a while.

28
Apr

Flying condom

Why did the condom fly across the room?? It got pissed off!!!