Old and New Jokes

14. Silently weeps if you forget to turn off the music while playing Tetris.
13. The last sensation felt by anyone borrowing a pen is the quick sting of several tiny Punji sticks.
12. No one will carpool with him since that ejector seat incident.
11. He and his girlfriend Natasha keep threatening to make big trouble for Moose and Squirrel.
10. His twin, who looks just like him except that he wears black, keeps coming in at lunch to booby trap his cubicle.
9. Always trying to convince you that Yakov Smirnoff is actually funny.
8. You could swear he used to look just like Sean Connery, but now hes the spitting image of Pierce Brosnan.
7. I may ask; would you additionally like a packet of oil-fried potato slices, comrade?
6. His shoe has a setting for either Ring or Vibrate.
5. She taps that commie pen on her commie desk the same commie way EVERY FRIGGIN DAY!
4. Last October you helped him ship out 750 boxes of old computer punch cards to addresses all over Florida and the tip he promised you was dump all your stocks.
3. Suspiciously never complains about the temperature in the office.
2. He asks you to pull his finger — until it clicks.

   and Topfive.coms Number 1 Sign Your Coworker is a Spy…

1. He introduces himself as Bond… Jame… Er, Finkelmeyer… Junius Finkelmeyer.

[  The Top 5 List   www.topfive.com  ]

[   Copyright 2001 by Chris White    ]

What did the mama buffalo say to the son buffalo when he went off to college?

Bison.

10 Things People Around the World Learn About Americans by Watching Baywatch

1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow motion along the beach.

2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.

3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies, except from cancer.

4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of any importance.

5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil.

6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshipped via close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen seconds per hour.

7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.

8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and lasts no longer than two minutes.

9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes.

10. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff.

Your momma is so fat . . .

She was the first person to go around the world in 80 meals.

It doesnt matter whether you win or lose, until you lose.

Q. Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?A. Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They dont walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They dont ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they dont get). What more could any of us males ask for?Q. Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?A. As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I dont see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either.Q. Why do men like younger women?A. Well, lets see. Besides the fact that they like older men, theyre easily impressed. Theyre also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage. Theres also less evidence of gravitys handy work on their bodies.Q. Why do men like older women?A. Actually, men just like women period. Age actually has very little to do with anything. Unless the particular woman in question resembles Yoda, other factors such as availability or proximity take much more precedence.Q. How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever do you see in that fat pig)?A. Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few attractiveness points. Im a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should accept us and love us despite our inherent weakness.Q. Why do men act like they own the remote control?A. What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths of the law. Besides, it is an awes

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the students immediate family. A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
Well, he responded, I guess youll just have to learn to write with your other hand.

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: Im sorry if Ive been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

Baseball.
Football.
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: YES! or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, Yes, dear.

Inappropriate responses include:

Oh Yeah
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by love.
Does it matter?
Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: Of course not! Among the incorrect answers are:

Compared to what?
I wouldnt call you fat, but youre not exactly thin.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
Ive seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think shes prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: Of course not! Incorrect responses include:

Yes, but you have a better personality
Not prettier, but definitely thinner
Not as pretty as you when you were her age
Define pretty
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is Buy a Corvette and a Boat.) No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not; dont you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldnt you remarry?

MAN: Okay, Id get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She cant use them; shes left-handed

WOMAN: – – – silence – – –

MAN: Oh my.

Men are like a fine wine.

They all start out like grapes, and its our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something youd want to have dinner with.

Q. How do you Scare a Man?

A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars that they have no intention of driving.

Q. What do you do with a man who thinks hes Gods gift to women?

A. Exchange him.

Q. Whats a mans idea of a perfect date?

A. A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.

Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q. Whats the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. How do you get a man to exercise?

A. Tie the TV remote control to his shoelaces.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A. We dont know. Its never happened.

Q. Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?

A. Because, even back then men wouldnt stop to ask for directions.

Q. What is a mans idea of safe sex?

A. A padded headboard.

Q. Men are like vacations….

A. they never seem to be long enough.

Q. Men are like computers….

A. hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Q. Men are like coolers….

A. load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Q. Men are like horoscopes….

A. they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Q. Men are like plungers….

A. they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Q. Men are like laxatives….

A. they irritate the shit out of you.

Q. Men are like parking spots….

A. the good ones are already taken and whats left is handicapped.

Q. How does a man show hes planning for the future?

A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. Why are men like lawnmowers?

A. Theyre hard to get started, emit foul odors and dont work half the time.

Q. Why are men like tile floors?

A. If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for 20 years.

Q. Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?

A. Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

Q. What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?

A. How come?

Q. Whats the definition of a teenager?

A. Gods punishment for enjoying sex.

Q. Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?

A. Theyll never see you coming.

Q. What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?

A. S&M&M.

Q. What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?

A. Both capture the moment.

Q. Define Transvestite:

A. A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Q. Why is being in the military like a blowjob?

A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q. What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?

A. A scrotum pole!

Q. Whats the ultimate in rejection?

A. When youre masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q. Why dont debutantes go to orgies?

A. Thered be too many thank you notes to write.

Q. What is every Amish womans private fantasy?

A. Two Mennonite!

Q. Why is sex like a game of bridge?

A. If you have a good hand, you dont need a partner.

Q. Can you say three two letter words that denote small?

A. Is it in?

Q. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A. A bingo machine.

Q. Whats the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?

A. One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One … Men will screw anything.

Psychological Christmas Songs

SCHIZOPHRENIA – Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY – We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA – I Think Ill Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC – Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA – Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town …or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA – Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER – You Better Watch Out, Im Gonna Cry,

Im Gonna Pout, then MAYBE Ill tell you why.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE – Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell….

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY – Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE – On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me…

(and then took it all away).