Old and New Jokes

A blind man went to a lumber yard for a job.

The boss didnt want to just tell him no, so he told him that if he could pass a test, hed hire him.

He had one of his employees take him out back to identify some lumber. He brought the man to a pile of pine paneling, the man walked around the pile and sniffed, correctly identifying it as pine paneling.

The employee thought, How did he do that?

Next he took him to a pile of 2x4s. These he also correctly identified after sniffing around a bit. Now they were all amazed.

They decided it was time to trick him. They brought out the receptionist and laid her buck naked on her back.

The blind man walked around and sniffed.Obviously puzzled he walked around and sniffed and walked around and sniffed some more.

Scratching his head, he told them to flip it over. They did so and the sniffing continued. Suddenly he started laughing and said You think youve got me, dont you? Well I know what that is.

Thats the shit house door off of a tuna boat!

1. Man: So, wanna go back to my place?

Woman: Well, I dont know. Will two people fit under a rock?



2. The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:



Man: Want to Dance?

Woman: No, thank you.

Man: Dont thank me, thank God somebody asked you.



3. Man: Id like to call you. Whats your number?

Woman: Its in the phone book.

Man: But I dont know your name.

Woman: Thats in the phone book too.



4.Man: So what do you do for a living?

Woman: Female impersonator.



5. Q: What sign were you born under?

A: No Parking.



6. After hearing a pick-up line:

Woman: I like your approach, now lets see your departure.



7. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60s approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, Where have you been all my life? She took one glance at him and said, For the first half of it, I probably wasnt born yet.



8. A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, What are you looking at!?



My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken.



9. While at college, a few friends were discussing how their passes had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once…



When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, Hey, come on, were both here at this bar for the same reason! She responded, Yeah! Lets pick up some chicks!



10. Sorry, I dont date outside my species.



11. Man: Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time.



Woman: You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body cant cash.

Yo mommas so fat she did a split and gave the sidewalk a hickie!

This particular Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants took advantage of his good nature, and would steal his parking spot.

This continued until he put up the following effective sign: This parking space belongs to the Wizard…. Violators will be toad!

In Las Vegas, there are many ministers who hold marriages. So in the middle of the night, a couple knock on the door of a church. One groom and one bride with a heavy veil so the face cannot be seen. The minister lets them in and they do the usual. After the marriage, the groom asks how much he should pay. The minister says the price is on the beauty of the bride. So the groom flips him a quarter. The minister suprised, he lifts the veil of the bride. The minister then says, Hold on son, I owe you some change.

In this age of instant and near-instant communications, abbreviations have become commonplace, especially amongst the younger generations. For older internet users, heres a handy guide to translating:

AbbreviationPreviously long phrase
whrthfckuben?
Goodness, its been a long time since weve chatted, hasnt it?

utypliksht
Say, have you heard that there is a new Evelyn Woods speed-typing course?

ugoturhdupyrass?
Are you sure about that?

sowenugtoutofjail?
So, what have you been up to lately, Bugs?

tkurabbrevsandshuvem
Wouldnt you rather just type the whole phrase out?

A group of Arab Terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention.

More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

One day a group of husbands and wives went to a scientific program. The doctor there was showing them brains from real peopleand telling how expensive it would be to buy one. He said it was five million dollars for a female brain and ten million dollars for a male brain. The men snickered, thinking they knew why. One of the women said, Well, why is that, sir? The doctor answered, "The mens brains cost more, for they have never been used."

You might be a redneck if…
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Bill, a prominent southern California business man, got stuck in a traffic jam for the N-th day in a row and decided there and then that he had had enough. He made up his mind to liquidate his assets and buy a ranch in the middle of Nowhere Wyoming. Which he did.

He bought a ranch complete with a rather run down ranch house and set about to getting the ranch house up to code. He spent several months doing nothing but construction work.

One day he saw someone riding towards him over a far off hill. The rider eventually got up to the ranch house and introduced himself as Bills nearest neighbor, and said he had been planning to come over and exchange greeting, but wanted to wait for Bill to get settled in.

Bill was pretty excited, as he hadnt really had any human contract for several months now, which was quite a change from his former life.

After exchanging greetings, Bill asked his neighbor what do youall do for some fun around here?

The neighbor replied Funny you should ask. I came over here to invite you to a party at my place next Saturday

Thats great Bill said. I really could use the break and would like to meet the rest of my neighbors. Bill went on What kind of a party is this going to be?

The neighbor said Oh therll be some drinken and some shooten and some fucken!

That sounds great said Bill.

Well then, next Saturday at my place. About 8:00 then?

And with that the neighbor mounted his horse and headed back the way he came.

Bill suddenly thought of something and yelled to the neighbor What should I wear?

The neighbor replied Oh it dont matter. Its just going to be the two of us!