Old and New Jokes

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time hed finally managed an affair with the innkeepers daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

Helen, why didnt you write when you learned you were pregnant? he cried. I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!

Well, she said, when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin and talkin and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.

Slightly below average: Stupid.

Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.

Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.

10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that wouldve fit.

9. It would be ashame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.

8. Perfect for wearing in the basement.

7. Well, well, well…

6. I really dont deserve this.

5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!

4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. If the dog buries it, Ill be furious!

2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

Q: How many Romanians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: How many packs of cigarettes are you willing to give them?

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later, Da-ad…

What?

Im thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?

No. You had your chance. Lights out.

Five minutes later: Da-aaaad…

WHAT?

Im THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??

I told you NO! If you ask again Ill have to spank you!!

Five minutes later… Daaaa-aaaad…

WHAT??!!

When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?

Once Banta Singh goes to dinner with his friends.Just to have some fun one of his friends asks Banta, How many Idlis can you eat when your stomach is empty?. For which Banta answers promptly – 8 idlis.
His friends laugh at him and say,nobody can eat 8 idlis when their stomach is empty because when they eat the first idli their stomach would no longer be empty.

Banta enjoys the joke very much and as soon as he comes home calls his wife and asks, How many idlis can you eat when your stomach is empty?. She replies – 5 idlis.

Hearing this answer Banta gets furious and replies, You fool! Had you said 8 idlis I would have told you a good joke!

This guy walks up to this movie house with a chicken under his arm. He asked for a ticket. The lady at the counter told him that the chicken was not allowed in the movie house. He said You dont understand! The chicken goes everywhere with me! She told him again that the chicken wasnt allowed so he walked over to a nearby alley. He quickly stuffed the chicken down his pants.

He runs and buys a ticket and sits down.

These two girls come in later and sit by him because they thought he was cute. It was an R rated show. He starts watching the movie. He suddenly remembers

the chicken. He unzips he pants and the chicken heads comes out so it can breathe. The girl next to him taps her hand on her shoulder. The guy next to me is playing with himself!

She replied Just ignore it. I just saw a girl flash her boobs on screen, its kinda a sexy movie just forget about it! A little while later she taps on her friend again. He playing with himself again!!! She replies I told you not to pay any attention! She tells her in a gruff voice, But its eating my popcorn!!!!!

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever been too drunk to fish.

Person 1: I met a man with a wooden leg named Smith.Person 2: What was the name of his other leg?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Randy!
Randy who?
Randy four minute mile!