Old and New Jokes

Well, Mrs. OConnor, so you want a divorce? the solicitor questioned
his client. Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?

Oh, no, replied Mrs. OConnor. Shure now, we have a carport.

The solicitor tried again. Well, does the man beat you up?

No, no, said Mrs. OConnor, looking puzzled. Im always first out of
bed.

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. Well, does he go in for
unnatural connubial practices?

Shure now, he plays the flute, but I dont think he knows anything
about the connubial.

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. What Im trying to find out are
what grounds you have.

Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat — not even a window box, let alone
grounds.

Mrs. OConnor, the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, you
need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you
seeking this divorce?

Ah, well now, said the lady, Shure its because the man cant hold an
intelligent conversation.

Blow in her ear.

Yo mama so stupid that she tried to overdose on Flinstones vitamins!

A bunch of blondes walk into a restaurant celebrating and chanting 28 days, 28 days, it only took us 28 days!!

Everyone was wondering what took them 28 days and why they were celebrating. Finally, when the blondes were about to leave, a waitor goes up and asks What took you 28 days, why are you celebrating??

All the blondes say We just finished a puzzle in 28 days and on the box it said 3-6 years!!!

Nike condoms
Just do it.

Toyota condoms
Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi condoms
You got the right one, baby.

Pringles condoms
Once you pop, you cant stop.

Mentos condoms
The freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack
Ten million strong and growing.

Secret condoms
Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman.

MacIntosh condoms
It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

Ford condoms
The best never rest.

Chevy condoms
Like a rock.

Dial condoms
Arent you glad you use it? Dont you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto condoms
Cause hey – you never know.

California Lotto condoms
Whos next?

Avis condoms
Trying harder than ever.

KFC condoms
Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola condoms
Always a Real Thing.

Lays condoms
Betcha cant have just one.

Cambells Soup condoms
Mm, mm, good.

The Carls Jr. Condom
If it doesnt get all over the place, it doesnt belong in your face…

General Electric condoms
We bring good things to life!

AT&T condom
Reach out and touch someone.

Bounty condom
The quicker picker upper.

Microsoft condoms
Where do you want to go today?

Energizer condoms
It keeps going and going and going…

M&M condom
It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!

Chevron condoms
Use them? People do.

Taco Bell condoms
Get some; make a run for the border.

MCI condoms
For friends and family.

Double Mint condoms
Double your pleasure, double your fun!

The Sears latex condom
One coat is good for the entire winter.

Delta Airlines travel pack
Deltas ready when you are.

United Airlines travel pack
Fly United.

The Star Trek Condom
To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.

Levis Condom
Shrinks to fit. Since 1853.

Benetton condoms
United genitals of Benetton.

Nokia condoms
Connecting people.

Philips condoms
Lets make things better.

Pentium condoms
Intel Inside.

[Ed: Recently I have been getting more and more submissions of the
Found Humour type–true life news, notes and experiences with
a humourous bent. If I get a really good one, it goes directly to
the newsgroup. The medium to good ones will show up in digests like
this. They arent really jokes, but they are often quite amusing.]

Phyllis Schlafly, Eat Yer Heart Out! [rec.humor.funny]
Phyllis Schlafly, Eat Yer Heart Out!

This Cowboy is riding the range when he gets ambushed by some indians. They take him back to their villiage to see the chief. The Chief looks at the cowboy and says:

You White man, you will die at sundown, but Chief is not as evil as white man, so you gettum three wishes.

What is your first wish?, The cowboy looks around, thinks, then, with a gulp, say: well, can i talk to my horse o great chief?

The Chief looks puzzled, laughs to his tribe and says he-he, sure white man you can talk to your horse.

So the cowboy goes to his horse and wispers in its ear, the horse looks puzzled, but then with bright eyes it gallops off in a cloud of dust. The Indians just sit and laugh at the cowboy for wasting his wish. BUT, all of a sudden the horse returns with a Blonde riding upon its back. The indians look amazed. The chief grins, points to a secluded Teepee. The cowboy now looks embarrassed, so he takes the blonde and goes into the teepee. An hour later he comes out and says, Chief, can i talk to my horse again? The chief says sure, but that be wish number two. Ok says the cowboy.

The cowboys goes to the horse and once again wispers into its ear, and with a gallop the horse is off!… 15 minutes later, the horse returns, this time having a Brunnette aboard. Once again the cowboy is shown the secluded teepee.

An hour later the cowboy comes out, obivously tired now, with only a few hours left before sundown. He looks to the chief, and before he says a word, the chief grins and says Sure crazy white man you can talk to your horse..

So the cowboy goes to the horse and GRABS him by the ear and yells

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT,…I SAID – GO GET A POSSE!!!

The taco Bell chihuahua dog, a doberman, and a bulldog all walk into a bar. A female collie then walks in. The collie says, Whoever can say liver and cheese the most creativly, can have me. So the bulldog goes I love liver and cheese The collie says Not good enough The doberman says I hate liver and cheese The collie goes, Not creative enough Then the chihuahua dog says, Liver alone, cheese mine.

A man went into the proctologists office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctors desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, Look Doc, this is my first exam… I know what the K-Y is for… and I know what the glove is for… but whats the BEER for? At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, Come on, nurse!!!… I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

Its in case I get shot. I dont want you crew members to see blood and freak out.

Thats very sensible, sir.

At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

Get my brown pants.