A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light,
turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the
cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab
company and requested a taxi. The taxi
arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They dont want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesnt want the driver to know the house will be empty for
the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon Hes just
going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother. A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. Sorry I took so long, he says, as they drive
away. Stupid thing was hiding under the
bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off
so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from
scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into
the back yard! The cabdriver hit a parked car…
When Im born, Im black. When Im sick, Im black. When Im hot, Im black. When Im cold, Im black, When I die, Im black.When youre born, youre pink. When youre sick, youre green. When youre hot, youre red. When youre cold, youre blue. When you die, youre grey.And you call me coloured?
Q: What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
A: National Dyslexics Association.
A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.
- You look tired, let me do the clean up.
- Of course your mother can stay with us, as long as she likes.
- Here honey, you use the remote.
- You know, Id like to see her again, but her breasts are just too
big.
- Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? Thats one movie I gotta see!
- While Im up, can I get you anything?
- Sex isnt that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
- Aww, forget Monday night football, lets watch Melrose Place.
- Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
- We never talk anymore.
2 differences in english expressions between UK and North America:
In UK, to knock one up means to knock on their door to wake them up. In Canada it means to get someone prengant.
I had fun with that on while visiting UK with some Canadian friends I told a young lady we would come by in the morning to knock her up. Too bad I cant portray the looks on their faces across the Net.
In UK up yours is a drinking toast, I guess it is short for up your glass. Here, up yours is an insult, usually accompanied by a raised middle finger, and means you should insert something up your you-know-what.
You can have lots of fun with that one, but please be careful!
A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joes first time ever hunting, so he was following Bobs lead. Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet! After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened. Joe said “There was this snake and he slittered across my feet, but I never screamed. Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed.â€
“So then what did make you scream,†Bob asked, exasperated. “Well,†Joe continued, “two squirells crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, ‘Should we take them home or eat em now?’â€
(From our pastors sermon on human nature:)
A father had two little sons, one of whom was an eternal optimist, while
the other was a perpetual pessimist. One Christmas he decided try to
temper both of their proclivities: in addition to their standard gifts,
he told them theyd each get something chosen especially for you!
His plan was to give the pessimist every toy and game he could possibly
desire, while the optimist would be directed to the basement filled with
manure.
On Christmas, after the normal presents were opened, the father sent the
optimist to the cellar, while leading the pessimist to the room filled
with presents. After the pessimist opened all the gifts, he turned to
his father with a sad face and said: How can I possibly use all these?
The TV will wear out, the Nintendo will get smashed, and all the other
toys will be broken! After a few minutes of listening to such woe, the
father remembered his optimistic son, and ran to the basement steps.
There in the basement was his other son, swimming through the manure
with a gleeful smile. The father asked him why he was so happy, to
which the boy exclaimed With this much manure, there must be a pony in
here somewhere!
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, Hey, Luigi. How was a da treep?
Luigi said, Everthing was a perfect except for da train a ride down.
Whata you mean, Luigi? asked Giovanni.
Well, we boarda da train at Grand Centrala Station. My beautifula Virginia had packed a biga basket a food with vino and cigars for a me, and a we were looking a forward to da trip. All was OK until we gotta hungry and opened up a da luncha basket.
The conductor came by, wagged his a finger at us and a say, No eat in desea car. Musta usea dining car.
So, me and my beautifula Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga lunch and begin to opena bottle of vino. Conductor come again, wag hisa finger and say, No drinka in desea car. Musta usea cluba car.
So we go to cluba car. Whilea drinking vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductor, he waga his finger again and say, No smokea in desea car. Musta go to smoker car.
We go to smoker car and I smokea my cigar. Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to havea sex and the conductor, he comea through car yelling, NO-FOLKA, VIRGINIA!
Nexta time, Ima driva down!!
One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?
GOD replied, Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create.
So Adam says, When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?
I did that, Adam, so that you could love her.
Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?
I did that Adam so that you could love her.
Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?
Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you