Old and New Jokes

Once there three male dogs who set eyes on a beautiful female poodle. They all rushed over to her. Aware of her charms, she said, I will go out with the first one of you who can use the words liver and cheese together in an intelligent sentence.

Immediately the Lab said, I like liver and cheese.

No imagination at all, said the poodle.

Next was the muscular Rottweiler, who blurted, I hate liver and cheese.

Thats worse than the Lab, she replied.

Finally a tiny chihuahua smiled at his opponents, gave the poodle a knowing wink, and said, Liver alone, cheese mine.

So you think youre computer-illiterate ?



1. Compaq is considering changing the command Press Any Key to Press Return Key because of the flood of calls asking where the Any key is.



2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.



3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldnt read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labelled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.



4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.



5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room. 6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldnt get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the send key.



7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.



8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.



9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was bad and an invalid. The tech explained that the computers bad command and invalid responses shouldnt be taken personally.



10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldnt get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. The foot pedal turned out to be the computers mouse.



11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldnt work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked What power switch?



12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:



Caller: Hello, is this Tech Support?



Tech Rep: Yes, it is. How may I help you?



Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that t fixed?



Tech Rep: Im sorry, but did you say a cup holder?



Caller: Yes, its attached to the front of my computer.



Tech Rep: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, its because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?



Caller: It came with my computer, I dont know anything about a promotional. It just has 4X on it.



At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldnt stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

To the citizens of the United States of America:



In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.



Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.



To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:



1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary.



Then look up aluminium . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.



Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed.



2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.



3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isnt that hard.



4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.



5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.



6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.



Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.



7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for shit



8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.



9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.



10. Please tell us who killed JFK. Its been driving us crazy.



Thank you for your cooperation.

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, When you die, Im getting you a headstone that reads, Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever.

Yeah she replies, When you die, Im getting you a headstone that reads, Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.

A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

Did you here about the ten foot tall 390 pound Aggie football player?

He was killed in a car wreck and they couldn t find a casket large
enough to bury him so they gave him an enema and burried him
in a shoe box.

Humpme Dumpme

A cabbie is driving by the Empire State Building
one day when hes flagged down by a fellow with a neat
moustache, wearing a bowler hat and carrying an umbrella.
The fellow gets into the cab.

Where to? asks the cabbie.

Trafalgar Square, if you please, replies the fare
in a clipped English public-school accent.

The cabbie doesnt bat an eyelash. Thats
fifty-percent extra for out-of-town trips, he says, and
ya gotta pay all tolls an ferry fares.

Very well, replies the English gentleman, and so
off they go. The cabbie drives to Kennedy International,
arranges the trip to London, and drives his cab into the
hold of a huge auto-transport plane. All the way across
the Atlantic they fly, the meter running all the while.
(Fifteen cents per sixty seconds not in motion, you know.)
When they arrive at Heathrow they disembark, and the cabbie
drives to Trafalgar Square.

The English gentleman pays the fare and a good tip
besides and disappears into the crowd. The cabbie decides
that he may not ever have another chance to see London, so
hell drive around a bit before going back. While hes
sightseeing, another fellow by the curb flags him down and
gets in the cab.

Flatbush Avenue, please.

The cabbie scowls back at him and shouts, I dont
go ta Brooklyn!

Mrs. Goldberg went to the doctor because she hadnt been regular in quite some time. The doctor examined her, found nothing unusual and attributed her problem to her diet and her age. He recommended that she take a laxative.

Doctor, Mrs. Goldberg admonished him, remember – Im kosher. Whatever you prescribe for me MUST be kosher!

Mrs. Goldberg, he replied, I want you to take Serutan and dont worry, its kosher.

Youre sure, doctor? Youre absolutely positive its kosher? Because if its not kosher, I cant take it and Id be very upset to find out it wasnt kosher!

Mrs. Goldberg, the doctor assured her, of course its kosher. Serutan spelled backwards is NATURES and what could be more kosher than nature?

Reassured, Mrs. Goldberg left the office. Two weeks later, Mrs. Goldberg came storming into the doctors office. Doctor! she screamed, Im so angry at you! Im going to sue!

Whats wrong Mrs. Goldberg? Whats the matter? the doctor asked, very concerned.

That medicine you told me to take – its NOT kosher! replied Mrs. Goldberg. Of course its kosher Mrs. Goldberg, replied the doctor. Its called Serutan, and serutan spelled backwards is natures. What could be more kosher than nature? repeated the doctor.

Well doctor, Mrs. Goldberg answered indignantly, Serutan spelled backwards may be natures, but taking Serutan gave me such gas! And FART spelled backwards, is TRAF!

For the Yiddish-impaired, traf (pronounced trafe) means UN-KOSHER!

Student: Can I use the bathroom?

Teacher: Okay but first say your ABCs.

Students: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO QRSTUVWXYZ

Teacher: Wheres the P?

Student: Its running down my leg!