Old and New Jokes

Una guapa mujer, de fino gusto, bien vestida y maquillada, se encuentra en una fiesta. De pronto, un tipo pasado de copas se le acerca:

Señorita, ¿quiere bailar conmigo?, le pide con tartajosa voz.

Mirándolo con desdén, de los pies a la cabeza, le responde:

No sea atrevido e igualado. ¡Cómo cree que una mujer de mi clase se metería con un tipo como usted! Dígame, ¿cuándo ha visto caviar en el hocico de un marrano?

El hombre, alcoholizado y enojado, le lanza:

Señorita, usted me disculpará, pero yo le dije que bailáramos, no que me lo mamara.

What do you call two Packies jumping out of a plane?

Chocolate drops.

Three very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf.
A guy named Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in
which he could play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes.

At the end of the game his score is 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71.
He says to them, How come you all play such good golf?

The lead rabbi said, When you live a religious life, join and attend
temple, you are rewarded.

Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I have to lose. So he finds a
temple close to his home, attends twice a week, converts, joins and lives
a holy life.

About a year later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a
104 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71. He says to them, Okay, I joined a temple,
live a religious life and Im still shooting lousy.

The lead rabbi said to him, What temple did you join?

He said, Beth Shalom.

The rabbi retorted, Schmuck! That ones for tennis!

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, Hey, we need one of the rear fences re-done. Why dont you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?

So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some calculations and said, Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, $2,700.

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, You didnt even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?

Easy, he said. $1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas.

Whats the most famous coffee in Afghanistan? Osama bin Latte

Are you tired of all those mushy friendship poems that always sound good but never even come close to reality? Well, finally, here is a friendship poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself!

Friend,

When you are sad … I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
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When you are blue … Ill try to dislodge whatever is that is choking you.

When you smile … Ill know you finally got laid.

When you are scared … I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried … I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused … I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick … stay the hell away from me until youre well again. I dont want whatever you have.

When you fall … I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath … I pledge til the end. Why you may ask? Because youre my friend!

REMEMBER: A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body!!

Send this poem to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you realize you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.

There was this boy that lived with his mother.

One night the boy woke up and went to the restroom and on his way he passed his mothers room and looked in and saw his mom rubbing her breasts and saying I NEED A MAN. Then he went to bed.

The next night the same thing happened, she was there rubbing her breasts and saying I NEED A MAN.

On the third night the woman had a man in bed with her when the son looked in.

Right away the boy went to his room and stood in front of the mirror rubbing hiself and saying….I NEED A BIKE……….

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?

A: Because they can understand them.

Step on er, boy! Yer only goin 90.
You can make it easy … that trains not coming fast.
Gimme a match … I think my gas tanks empty.
Theres plenty of life left in those tires.
No, well tune up the car in the garage so we can close the door and stay warm; the engine wont be running long.
Theres never any traffic at this intersection.
No, truckers dont mind when you pass on the right (or tailgate to draft and save gas).
Dont go to a welding shop! I can fix that leak in your gas tank with my torch.
Of course I can dial numbers and talk on my cell phone at the same time.
No, no, all bungee cords look a little frayed.
Motorcycles are supposed to wobble in turns.
You dont need ski lessons; just follow me.
Green means go, red means stop, yellow means go … very fast. (from the movie STARMAN).

Yo mama so stupid that under Education on her job apllication, she put Hooked on Phonics.