Old and New Jokes

Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?
A: An impossibility.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.

Q: Why didnt the circus clown feel so bad about his career?
A: At least he wasnt a lawyer.

Q: What is the difference between pigs and lawyers?
A: You can learn to respect a pig.

Q: What is the difference between baseball and law?
A: In baseball, if youre caught stealing, youre out.

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands werent met.

Q: Why didnt the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse?
A: He didnt like the lawyer living downstairs.

Q: Who do lawyers never take their cats to the beach?
A: Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand.

Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.

Why do women have two holes so close together?

In case you miss.

Un gringo se lanza con un paracaídas miniatura desde 70,000 pies de altura. Cuando llega a tierra firme, los periodistas, uno tras otro, le acosan con preguntas:

Señor, ¿qué sintió usted al lanzarse desde 70,000 pies de altura?

Bueno, cuando yo lanzarme de los 70,000 pies de altura, yo sentir un nido en la garganta.

No, no, mister. No se dice un nido en la garganta, se dice un nudo en la garganta.

¡No, yo sentir un nido! Estar seguro que yo sentir un nido en la garganta porque cuando yo lanzarme de los 70,000 pies de altura, yo clarito sentir que subirse huevos, pájaro y todo a la garganta…

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and can you handle it?



The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the bosss positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks;



How much for the white dildo?



He answers, $35.



She, How much for the black one?



He, $35 for the black one, $35 for the white one.



She, I think Ill take the black one. Ive never had a black one before. She pays him, and off she goes.



A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks;



How much for the black dildo?



He, $35.



She, How much for the white one?



He, $35 for the white one, $35 for the black one.



She, I think Ill take the white one. Ive never had a white one before. She pays him, and off she goes.



About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, How much are your dildos? He, $35 for the white, $35 for the black.



She, How much is that plaid one on the shelf?



He, Well, thats a very special dildo itll cost you $165.



She thinks for a moment and answers, Ill take the plaid one, Ive never had a plaid one before. She pays him, and off she goes.



Finally, the guys boss returns and asks, How did you do while I was gone? To which the saleman responded, I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!

It seems that this perfect man met this perfect woman and they got married. One day on December 24 they were driving down the road and they noticed a man stranded on the side of the road. This was no ordinary man, but it was Santa Claus. Being the perfect people that they were they offered Santa a ride because he was in a hurry to get his toys delivered. So the perfect man and perfect woman sped up to deliver Santa to his destination on time. Alas, the roads were slippery and the car got into an accident and 2 of the 3 people were killed. Can you guess who survived? Answer below . . .

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Since Santa Claus and a Perfect Man are both myths…the perfect woman had to survive.

Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund.

Three Gay Men Die





Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.



Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the



same time,and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.





The first man said, My Benny loved to fly, so Im going up



in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.





The second man said, My Carl was a good fisherman, so Im



going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake





The third man (Bobby) said, My Jim was such a good lover, I think



Im



going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my



ass up just one more time.

What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Octopus?

I dont know, but it sure can pick tomatoes.

One day a priest and a nun went golfing.

The first hole the priest missed an extremely easy
put. He shouted, Damn, missed again.

The nun, shocked, warned him God will get you for that.

The next hole the same thing occurred. After the preist screamed God Damn
It! Missed again the nun repeated her
warning God will get you for that!

On the third hole, the priest again missed, and cursed, but before the nun
could repeat her warning, a bolt of lightning came down from the heavens
and struck the nun dead.

A deep voice from the clouds boomed out God Damn It! Missed again!.

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmers field. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, Were they ALL dead?

The old farmer replied, Well, some of them said they werent, but you know how them politicians lie.