Old and New Jokes

18. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
17. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
16. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
15. THINGS I CANT AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY – by Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS – by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHARTS GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICAS MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT – A TRAVEL GUIDE
9. DR. KEVORKIANS COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN IVE LOVED BEFORE – by Ellen DeGeneres
5. MIKE TYSONS GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES – by the Sierra Club
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS – by O. J. Simpson
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS – by Bill Clinton
   

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: You know, one of these days the passengers arent going to scream, and were gonna get killed!

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:

Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?

Father Patrick replied, I am so very sorry to hear about your dogs death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, theres a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe theyll do something for the animal.

Muldoon said, Ill go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?

Father Patrick: $500? – Why didnt you tell me the dog was Catholic?!

A young man comes home and says Dad, just got my drivers license and would like to use the family car.

Father replies, :O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then well see.

Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. Dad, I got great marks on my report card. Ive been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?

Father replies, Thats all true, but son you didnt cut your hair.

Son says, But, dad, Jesus had long hair.

Father replies, Yes, son, youre perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. yeah, I got me a couple of friends, the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said,Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.

Well put, the judge replied. Using your logic, I sentence the defendants arm to one years imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.

The defendant smiled. With his lawyers assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

There was once this couple who had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night there would be screams and shouts from their house. One day the old man said, Im sick and tired of you. When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you.

After this, the old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances of people, cats, dogs, etc. were blamed on him.

At the age of 80 the old guy dies, and his wife puts him in a casket. Later that night, she goes to the bar and parties as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbor comes up to her and says, Arent you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you?

The old lady calmly replied, Eh, let him keep digging. I put the casket the other way around!

You might be a redneck if…

Your husband spray paints the upholstery of your car to make it look new.

You can identify your friends by the sound of their mufflers.

You think OFF is a fine smelling cologne.

You put a Clapper on your headlights.

You need a dictionary to spell your name.

You dont change your socks until the first pair rots off.

People ask your wife when her babys due and shes not pregnant.

Your driveway is two tire tracks with grass growing down the middle.

Youve ever invited friends over to show off whats left of the squirrel that you shot with your deer gun.

You have more tires in your yard than on your trucks.

The idea for the Budweiser frogs came from listening to you and your friends trying to read the label on the bottle.

Duct tape and wire are the only two things holding your truck together.

Your bumper sticker reads If youre missing your cat, look in my treads.

You think the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.

Youve ever parked your date next to a YIELD sign hoping shed take the hint.

Your kids learned to shoot before they learned to walk.

You place a classified asking less than $1.

You think the freeway is the back door of the movie theater.

Higher math means counting over 10.

The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.

You have a lucky rabbits foot in your pocket and a lucky rabbit nailed above your fireplace.

Estaban un filipino y un judío de los Estados Unidos viajando en el mismo asiento de un tren, en silencio. De pronto, el judío se levanta y le pega tremenda bofetada al filipino.

¿Qué pasa, estás loco?, reclama el filipino.

¡Esto es por Pearl Harbor!, contesta el judío.

¡Cálmate, os que atacaron Pearl Harbor fueron los japoneses, y yo soy filipino!”

Japonés, chino, filipino… ¡Para mí todos son iguales!

Al filipino no le quedó otra que aguantarse el golpe y volvió a acomodarse en su asiento. Cinco minutos después, se levantó y le plantó un tremendo puñetazo en la cara al judío.

¡¿Qué pasa? ¿Acaso estás loco?, protesta el judío.

¡Esto es por el hundimiento del Titanic!

¡Pero lo que hundió el Titanic fue un iceberg!

Iceberg, Goldenberg, Rosenberg… ¡Para mí todos son iguales!

There were two men who played golf together frequently. One was several strokes better than the other. The lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game.

One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, Ive been trying to beat you for so long that Im about ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact if youre game, Id like to try to get back all the money Ive lost to you this year. I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?



The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play the gorilla. After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf? he thought.



Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole.



The guy turns to his friend and says Thats incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadnt seen it with my own eyes. But, you know what, Ive seen enough. Ive got no interest in being totally humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this frigging gorilla back to where he comes from. I need a drink; better make it a double, and Ill write you a check.



After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy asks, By the way, hows that gorillas putting?



The other guy replies, Same as his driving.



That good, huh?



No, I mean, he hits putts the same way – 450 yards, right down the middle!