Old and New Jokes

Just another damn woman trying to do a mans job.

Q: Why arent blondes good cattle herders?

A: Because they cant even keep two calves together!

Maybe we should elect officials not for what they stand for, but for what
they dont stand for.

I understand Clinton is gonna try a new tactic with fund raising in an effort to comply with the law. You know how we have all these events for charity – walk for this or run for that, etc.

Well, theyre planning on holding a 10 K run, but for campaign funds. Already a lot of the biggest contributors want to know if their butlers may run for them.

Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying I could have had a V-8!
Yelling Punchbuggy! and hitting Rikers arm whenever he sees a shuttle craft
Screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
Spotlighting unsuspecting crew members with the glare from his forehead
Lecturing everybody on why its rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms
Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there
Asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her a REAL Picard Maneuver
Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking Are those Bugle Boy jeans youre wearing?
Telling crew members in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, Go ahead, Make it so
Putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up

Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?

A: Bucket seats.

. . . Perhaps of even greater significance is the
continuous and profound distrust of science and technology
that the environmental movement displays. The environmental
movement maintains that science and technology cannot be
relied upon to build a safe atomic power plant, to produce
a pesticide that is safe, or even bake a loaf of bread that
is safe, if that loaf of bread contains chemical preservatives.
When it comes to global warming, however, it turns out that
there is one area in which the environmental movement
displays the most breathtaking confidence in the reliability
of science and technology, an area in which, until recently,
no one–even the staunchest supporters of science and
technology–had ever thought to assert very much confidence
at all. The one thing, the environmental movement holds,
that science and technology can do so well that we are
entitled to have unlimited confidence in them, is FORECAST
THE WEATHER!–for the next one hundred years…

George Reisman, The Toxicity of Environmentalism

How to buy a stereo:

Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100.
The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking and flashing in time with the music.
The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very C00L.
The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, post-amp, etc.)
The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers is important. (eg. woofers, tweeters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, etc.)
The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft.
The system should have full remote control capability, including over the mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get home.
Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the house.
Components should have a cool names.
The complete set up should put a major recording studio or large radio station to shame.
Having state of the art equipment is not enough. You should be a year or two ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete and should be disposed of promptly.
The most important factor … Out of everyone you know who owns stereo equipment, yours should be better.

There was an english man an irish man and a jewish man and they all decided to go in a helicopter. While they were up in the sky the english man threw a dagger out of the door, the irish man threw a sword out of the door and the jewish man threw a bomb out of the door. When they landed the english man went home and found his dad sitting on the floor crying so he said whats up dad? and his dad said a dagger has just fell from the sky and stabbed your mum.


Then the irish man went home and found his sister sitting on the floor crying so he said whats up sis? so she told him a sword fell from the sky and stabbed mum and dad. Then the Jewish man went home and found his dad lying on the couch crying with laughter so he said whats so funny pop? so his dad replied ive just farted an next doors house blew up!

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.