Old and New Jokes

Have you heard about the new radio station called WPMS?

They play three weeks of blues and one week of ragtime.

I was watching a show on anthropology a while ago which stated that human males have the largest penis of all of the primates.

I remember thinking, Aha! That explains why we learned to walk upright: Just showing off.

The best of old postings from RHF are now also available in the new group rec.humor.funny.reruns.

The archives are also at http://comedy.clari.net/rhf/

Un buen día dos gringos estaban haciendo puenting y en eso a uno se le ocurre una brillante idea y le dice al otro, Oye, podríamos poner un negocio de puenting en México y forrarnos ¿no?

El otro tipo se da cuenta de que la idea no es mala, así que los dos sacan sus ahorros del banco y compran todo lo necesario para comenzar con el negocio: la torre, las cuerdas elásticas, seguros, etc.

Se van a un pueblo de México para comenzar con el emplazamiento y la construcción de la torre de puenting, su nuevo y brillante negocio. Obviamente, cuando empiezan la construcción se junta una multitud de curiosos. Poco a poco la gente se multiplica mientras ellos siguen con su trabajo.

Cuando está todo listo deciden hacer una demostración para la multitud que se habia juntado durante la construcción de su emplazamiento. Entonces, el primero salta y llega a dar al tope de la cuerda, pero cuando regresa hacia arriba el otro tipo nota que trae unos ligeros cortes sobre su rostro y algunos arañazos. Lamentablemente el tipo que lo esperaba arriba no lo pudo agarrar a tiempo y volvió a caer y al llegar al final de la cuerda elástica vuelve a subir. Esta vez tiene ya unos chichones y está sangrando.

Otra vez el tipo que lo esperaba arriba no lo pudo agarrar, así que el tipo que estaba probando las cuerdas volvió a caer y al llegar al fin de la cuerda vuelta hacia arriba. Esta vez vuelve hecho un desastre: la ropa toda rota, sangre por todos lados, huesos rotos y ya está casi inconsciente. Afortunadamente esta vez sí lo agarra el tipo que estaba arriba esperándolo y le pregunta desesperado:

¿Qué pasa? ¿La cuerda es demasiado larga?

No, no, la cuerda está bien, pero ¿qué coño es una PIÑATA?

There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.

When everything is coming your way, youre in the wrong lane.

Heard from a friend of mine:

Saying that she is promiscuous is an understatement. Shell go
zero to sixty-nine in under fifteen seconds.

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

How are three people going to travel on only one ticket? asks an accountant.

Watch and youll see, answers an engineer. They all board the train.

The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, Ticket, please.

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all).

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers dont buy a ticket at all.

How are you going to travel without a ticket? says one perplexed accountant.

Watch and youll see, answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please.

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, Im sorry honey, Ive got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.

The husband, rejected but still quite horny, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear, Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?.

A retired beer taster is suing a major Brazilian brewer which, he claims, is responsible for his becoming an alcoholic.

Three people in Thailand became seriously ill after eating soil from a temple compound that was said to possess magic therapeutic powers.

A polite thief apologized for stealing a London womans car in a note saying he had to take his pregnant wife to the hospital.

Casinos in Atlantic City, N.J., accepted bogus $100 bills for a whole weekend till a sharp-eyed prostitute noticed and helped police bust the counterfeiters.

A Sri Lankan government official popped a bribe into his mouth when detectives pounced on him, then bit a policeman who tried to retrieve the money.

A young hummingbird that considered an 11-year-old California boy a likely nesting spot clung to his curly hair for three hours before teachers were able to pluck it free.

A would-be car thief in Hammond, La., who spotted an unlocked car with the motor running changed his mind in a hurry when he came face to face with the owners 9-foot python.

The Internal Revenue Service center in northern Kentucky has been selling unused income-tax forms to be recycled into toilet paper.

A researcher says Fiji was populated by a race of cheerful, mountain-dwelling dwarfs before the arrival of the Melanesians, who are generally regarded as the South Pacific nations first settlers.

New Delhi burglars dug a tunnel to rob a jewelers shop but ended up in a washing-machine store next door.

Toronto art critics are going ape over paintings by Charles, a 440-pound gorilla that commands up to $585 a painting.

Compiled by Ivan Weiss

From The Seattle Times, Saturday, June 3, 1995

A Mother had three daughters and on their weddings, she tells each one of them
to write back about their marriage life.

And the first one gets married. The second day the letter arrives with a single
message… simply, Maxwell Coffeehouse. Mother got confused and finally
noticed in a Maxwell, and it says, Satisfaction to the last drop… So, Mother
is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. Only after a week was there a message
that reads, Rothmans. So the Mother looks into the Rothmans ad, and it says,
Life Size, King Size. And Mother is happy.

Then it was the third ones wedding. Mother was anxious. Only after four weeks
came the message, British Airways. And Mother looks into the BA ad, but this
time she fainted. The ad reads, Two times a day, four times a week, both ways.