Old and New Jokes

Two boys are playing football in a Pennsylvania State Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A Post Gazette reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.

Young Steelers Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal, he starts writing in his notebook.

But Im not a Steelers fan, the little hero replied.

Sorry, since we are in Pennsylvania, I just assumed you were, said the reporter and starts again.

Little Eagles Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack he continued writing in his notebook.

Im not an Eagles fan either, the boy said.

I assumed everyone in Pennsylvania was either for the Steelers or the Eagles. What team do you root for? the reporter asked.

Im a Browns fan, the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, Juvenile Cleveland Fan Brutally Kills Beloved Family Pet.

What is your IQ?Bob is throwing a party. He decides that, to break the ice at his party, hell ask his guests what their I.Q. is–hopefully this will strike up an appropriate conversation from there.

The day of Bobs party rolls around, and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what her I.Q. is.

200,000 replies the first guest.

Well, thats great, says Bob, lets talk about ethereal astro physics.

Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while.

Later in the party, someone else is at the door. Hi my name is Bob; welcome to my party, whats your I.Q.?

The new guest responds with 250.

Great, says Bob. Lets talk about advanced math. Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for awhile.

Much later in the party, after many more guests had arrived and been spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arrives at the door. Hi, my names Bob; welcome to my party, whats your I.Q.?

This time the guest replies after putting some thought into it five.

Well, thats great, says Bob, what kind of drumsticks do you use?

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that shed take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy My name is Johnny Fuckhauer.

So she said Therell be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!.

The kid said No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you dont believe me!

Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door.

The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?

Hell no! replied a little kid from the front row, We dont even get a cookie break!

Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets? So he could run his fingers through his hair!

Están tomando unos luchadores en una cantina y de pronto un mesero joto (homosexual) se acerca a no de ellos y le dice:

Qué brazotes, déjame tocarlos.

Y el luchador le dice, Tócalos, para que veas.

El joto dice, Qué piernotas, qué espaldota, ¿me dejas meterte una llave?

El luchador le contesta, No, cómo crees, no puedes conmigo.

Sí, sí, déjame meterte una llave.

Tanto estuvo insistiendo, hasta que por fin le dice el luchador, Andale pues, méteme una llave.

Y el joto sin inmutarse le mete una llave en la bolsa de la camisa y le dice: Cuarto 201.

One day a frog went to the teller at the bank. The frog noticed that the nametag on the tellers shirt red Pat Whack. The teller asks who he is. The frog says he is McJaggerts son. The frog said he like to take out a $10,000 loan. She replied, that is alot of money, what have you got for collateral? The frog handed her a little plastic pig. Pat whack asks the frog what is. The frog said, I dont know. Pat Whack goes to talk to her manager. Pat Whack said to her manager a frog wants to take out a loan for $10,000 and use this as collateral. What is this? Her manager replies its a nic-nac patty whack give the frog a loan, his old mans a rolling stone!

Charloote Hornets star Anthony Mason faces charges of statutory rape of two girls, ages 14 and 15. His attorney will use the Kennedy defense, which states that together they were 29.

Pay back time for the ladies!

1. Dont imagine you can change a man – unless hes in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your mans mind wander – its too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women dont make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldnt ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books youre interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

INTERNET woman:
Woman of difficult access.
SERVER woman:
Always busy when you need her.
WINDOWS woman:
Everyone knows that she cant do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
EXCEL woman:
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.
D.O.S woman:
Everyone had her at least once, but no one wants her anymore.
VIRUS woman:
Also known as wife; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you dont try to uninstall her you will lose everything.
SCREENSAVER woman:
She is not worth for anything, but at least she is fun!
RAM woman:
She forgets everything you say when you disconnect her.
HARD-DISK woman:
She remembers everything, FOR EVER.
MULTIMEDIA woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.
USER woman:
She fucks up everything she does and she asks always more than she needs.
CD-ROM woman:
She is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are bullshit.

You might be a redneck if…
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet Ms. Right