Old and New Jokes

Next time youre invited to a boring social event, try one of these excuses to why you cant attend:

ID LOVE TO BUT…

… I dont want to leave my comfort zone. … I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary. … I have to answer all of my occupant letters. … I have to fluff my shower cap. … I have to fulfill my potential. … I left my body in my other clothes. … I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist. … Ill be looking for a parking space. … Im being deported. … Im converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. … Im giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store. … Im going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. … Im sandblasting my oven. … Im taking a crash course in punk totem pole carving. … Im worried about my vertical hold. … Ive come down with a really horrible case of something or other. … Ive got a Friends of the Rutabaga meeting. … its too close to the turn of the century. … my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then. … my plot to take over the world is thickening. … my subconscious says no. … none of my socks match. … the grunion are running. … the last time I went, I never came back. … the monsters havent turned blue yet; I have to eat more dots.

So one day superman was flying over this skyscraper. He saw this hot girl, sunbathing nude. Then he goes, What the hell, i want to screw her. I can do it and she wont even notice. So he goes down, screws her aand flies away.

The hot girl goes, What the hell was that?



The invisible man replies, I dont know, but my asshole really hurts now…





Get it?

The Idiot by Dudley Randall

That cop was powerful mean.

First he called me, Black boy.

Then he punched me in the face

and drug me by the collar to a wall

and made me lean against it with my hands spread

while he searched me,

and all the time he searched me

he kicked me and cuffed me and cussed me.

I was mad enough

to lay him out,

and wouldve did it, only

I didnt want to hurt his feelings,

and lose the good will

of the good white folks downtown,

who hired him.

A preacher was giving a sermon to a full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared. He was menacing and threatening and the entire congregation started to flee the church except for one old man.

When the church was empty the devil went up to the man and asked arent you afraid of me, Im evil incarnate, the most horrific being in the universe and will most likely torture you!

The man replied You dont scare me, Ive been married to your sister for 35 years.

One day in contract law class, a professor asked one of his better students, Now, if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it? The student replied, Heres an orange. The professor was livid. No! No! Think like a lawyer! the Professor instructed. The student then recited, Okay, Id tell him, I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…

For all those serious Maths buffs … lemmas and theorems!

1. Lemma: All horses are of the same colour.

Proof (by induction):

Case n=1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all horses in that set are the same colour.

Case n=k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all of these horses are the same colour. Now put back the horse that you took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k horses now in the set are the same colour. Then the set of k+1 horses are all the same colour. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all horses are of the same color.

2. Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.

Proof (by intimidation):

Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.

However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different colour; and by the Lemma, it doesnt exist.

These are actual calls to Tech support help desks



A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under Windows. The woman then responded, No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.





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Tech Support: How much free space do you have on your hard drive? Customer: Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?

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Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: Id like a mouse mat, please. Salesperson: Certainly sir, weve got a large variety. Customer: But will they be compatible with my computer?

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I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

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Customer: Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?

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I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:

Customer: Hi. Is this the Internet?

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Some people pay for their on-line services with checks made payable to The Internet.

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Customer: So thatll get me connected to the Internet, right?

Tech Support: Yeah.

Customer: And thats the latest version of the Internet, right?

Tech Support: Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.



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Tech Support: Ok Bob, lets press the control and escape keys at the

same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.

Now type the letter P to bring up the Program Manager.

Customer: I dont have a P.

Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech Support: P on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: Im not going to do that!



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Customer: My computer crashed!

Tech Support: It crashed?

Customer: Yeah, it wont let me play my game.

Tech Support: All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.

Customer: No, it didnt crash-it crashed.

Tech Support: Huh?

Customer: I crashed my game. Thats what I said before. Now it doesnt work.



Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.



Tech Support: Click on File, then New Game.

Customer: [pause] Wow! Howd you learn how to do that?

Q: Why couldnt the two melons run away to get married?



A: Because they cantelope.

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, Its not a ship. The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, Its not a boat. The speck gets even closer and he thinks, Its not a raft. Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, How long has it been since youve had a cigarette?

Ten years!, he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, Man, oh man! Is that good!

Then she asked, How long has it been since youve had a drink of whiskey?

He replies, Ten years!

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, Wow, thats fantastic!

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, And how long has it been since youve had some real fun?

And the man replies, Wow! Dont tell me that youve got golf clubs in there!

Able to whine in words.