Old and New Jokes

31. Inform your English class that they need to know FORTRAN and

code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

32. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class hes named Boogers

McGee and is your mascot. Whenever someone asks a question,

walk over to the dog and ask it, Whatll be, McGee?

33. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you Snuggles.

34. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular

intervals.

35. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the

teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

36. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

37. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

38. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute commercial breaks every ten

minutes.

39. Tell students that youll fail them if they cheat on exams or fake the

funk.

40. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and

deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

41. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

42. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be

required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark

through Armenia, for next class.

43. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet.

Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

44. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

45. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

46. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

47. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep

their distance for their own safety and mutter something about that bug I

picked up in the field.

48. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream,

Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CANT HEEEEEEAR YOU!

49. After confirming everyones names on the roll, thank the class for

attending Advanced Astrodynamics 690 and mention that yesterday

was the last day to drop.

50. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11

number system. Use a complicated symbol youve named after yourself in

place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who dont use it.

51. Use a graduate student to bang cymbals every time your name is mentioned.

Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A. Ask your mother.

Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?

A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

A. Wiped his ass.

Q. Whats the difference between oral sex & anal sex?

A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. Whats the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

Q. Whats the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling

Q. Whats so good about an Ethiopian blow job?

A. You know shell swallow.

Q. Whats the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?

A. When hes got his head up a fairys skirt, then hes a goblin.

Q. Whats the definition of a Yankee?

A. Same thing as a quickie,only you do it yourself.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?

A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?

A. A mechanic!

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?

A. The one with the dirty knees.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?

A. The blonde, because shes 18.

Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?

A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?

A. Are you In? or Is It In?

Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex

A. Honey, Im home!

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?

A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. Did you hear about the new paint called Blonde paint?

A. Its not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..

Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.

A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Q. How can you tell a macho women?

A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q: Whats the leading cause of death among lesbians?

A: Hair balls.

Q: Whats good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?

A: Crust.

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?

A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, What happened here today?She again smiled and answered, you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?Yes, he replied reluctantly.She answered, Well, today I didnt do it!!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Punch!
Punch who?
Not me – I just got here!

Responding to a woman who accidentally walked into a mens toilet:

Please dont feel bad. It wasnt you entering the mens washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. Its rare us guys ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the toilet, start to piss, and then just start spinning around just so I make sure I hit something.
You see something you ladies should understand by now is that mens penises have minds of their own. A guy can go into a toilet stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg and onto his shoe. Im telling you those little buggers cant be trusted.

After being married for 28 years, my wife has me trained. Im no longer allowed to pee like a man – standing up. Im required to sit down and piss. She has me convinced that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a piss-soaked seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now theres another thing us guys dont usually like to talk about, but since you and I have become such good friends and you think Im a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because its a real problem and you ladies need to be understanding.

Its the dreaded morning wood. Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to piss and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you cant get that thing to bend and if it wont bend you cant aim. Well hell, if you cant aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and the damn fuzzy toilet seat cover that you women insist on putting on the toilet.

So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when youre newly married, you think you can get the toilet seat with the damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your willie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, its just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife.
I told her, Look, it wont bend.
She said, So sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time.

OK, I tried sitting down on the toilet with morning wood.

Well, its very hard to get it bent under the seat and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room.

Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the seat, when you start to pee it shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of your legs onto that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position lying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split-second precision, but its the only sure way to get all the piss in the bowl during the first morning session.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame.
We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.

Its not our fault; its Mother Nature. Now if it were Father Nature, there wouldnt have been a problem.

Estaba Pepito un día en su cuarto, ya era muy noche y derepente Pepito empezó a escuchar unos números del 1 al 9. A la mañana siguiente le dice Pepito a su mamá:

Mamá ¿por qué en la noche se escuchaban números del 1 al 9?

A lo que la mamá responde:

Mira hijo, los números significan esto:

1.- me quito la ropa yo

2.- se la quita tu papá

3.- nos tocamos y nos besamos todo el cuerpo

4.- nos echamos a la cama

5.- me la mete

6.- me la saca

7.- nos enfriamos

8.- se cambia tu papa

9.- me cambio yo

Pepito responde:

¿Y puedo hacer eso yo?

Sí, pero con una amiga.

Finalmente Pepito consigue a la amiga y empiezan:

1.-se quita la ropa la amiga de Pepito

2.-se la quita él

3.-se tocan y se besan todo el cuerpo

4.-se echan a la cama

5.- se la mete

6.- se la saca

Y entonces se sigue Pepito:

5,6 – 5,6 – 5,6 – 5,6- 5-6…

Two Texas A&M Aggies were out hunting in Central Texas when they encountered a scantily clad young lass lounging against a tree.



?What y?all boys doing?? she inquired.





They (being manly men) responded, ?Well ma?am, we?re huntin? wild game.?





?Well I?m wild, and I?m game!? she replied.





So they shot her.

elephino!

There is a story about a new clerk in a supermarket. A customer asked him if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, he excused himself to ask the manager.



Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit… he began, and, suddenly realizing that the customer had entered the office behind him, continued, … and this lovely lady would like to buy the other half.



The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably resolved the problem and they later started chatting. Where are you from? asked the store manager.



Lancaster, Pennsylvania, replied the clerk, home of ugly women and great hockey teams.



Oh, my WIFE is from Lancaster, challenged the manager.



Without skipping a beat, the clerk asked, What team was she on?

1. Only the creator can understand the logic.2. No one understand the native tongue when computers talk with other computers.3. The warning Command or File name is incorrect, is just as helpful as If you dont know why Im angry at you, Im not going to tell you4. Your mistakes are stored in long-term memory, and can be recalled later on.5. The more you get acquainted with your computer, you realize your spending more and more of your salary on accessories.