There is an athiest who is walking out in the woods thinking evolution caused all of the beauty of the forest. Well along comes this 7 foot tall grizzley bear. Th e athiest turned around and saw the grizzly and screamed a bloodcurdling scream anruns up the hill. Then the grizzly starts chasing and closing in on him. Well just as the bear got ready to kill him he screamed save me God! Time stopped and a bright light shown in the sky and god said why should I save you after all these years of you teaching others Im not real? The athiest replied, Lord it would be a hypocrocy to ask to be a christian now but could you at least make the bear christian? The Lord said O.K. Time started again and the bear took its paw away and put both together and saidLord thank you for this food I am about to recieve Amen.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
I once wrote a book called How to Keep an Idiot Entertained for Hours. It
went like this: To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the next
sentence. To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the previous
sentence.” It didn’t sell very well. I thought with the short attention
span of people these days it may have been too long, so I rewrote it. The
2nd edition went: “To keep an idiot busy for hours, re-read this sentence.”
It’s doing pretty good. I have a deal for the sequel. The 3rd edition is
going to go: “Re-read this line.” Now, if I could just find the time to
write it.
Two guys went camping, and after two weeks they thought they needed a break from
each other. So they decided to split up for a few days, and meet up back at the
campsite.
When they returned, the first guy said, I had the most wonderful time! I hiked
for a few miles, and found a beautiful little stream in a valley. There was a
little deer, drinking out of the stream. It was wonderful! I spend the whole
three days there.
Well, thats okay, said the second guy, but check this out. I followed
some train tracks, and found a gorgeous girl, tied to the tracks! I untied her,
and we had the most amazing sex, for three days, in every imaginable position!
Wow! said the first guy, envious. Did she give you oral sex?
No, says the second guy. I couldnt find her head.
This is a specially
formulated diet, designed to help you cope with the stress that builds
up during the day:
BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
LUNCH
Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a
cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 chocolate biscuit
AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the chocolate biscuits in the packet
1 tub of Rocky Road ice cream with Choc-ice topping
1 jar nutella
DINNER
4 bottles of red wine
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
LATE NIGHT SNACK
Whole frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten
directly from freezer)
Dear Tech Support,Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. Ive tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!Sincerely,
XXX Dear XXX,This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.In desperation to play some of their old time favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with
How do you know when your girlfriends knickers (panties) have been manufactured in the United States?One good yank, and theyre off!
Cierta noche, ya de madrugada, un tipo le mostraba su nuevo apartamento a unos amigos. El anfitrión los lleva a su dormitorio, donde está un gigantesco gong de bronce.
¿Y eso?, pregunta uno de los invitados.
Es mi reloj parlante.
¿Reloj parlante? ¿Y cómo funciona?, indaga otro de los amigos.
Mira, dice el hombre, y le da un fuerte golpe al gong con un mazo, que lo hace retumbar en una forma impresionante.
De pronto, se oye un grito a voz en cuello desde el otro lado de la pared:
¡Por Dios, grandÃsimo hijo de puta! ¡Son las 2 de la mañana!
Why dont [ethnic] men like blow jobs?
They dont like any jobs.
Just when you thought you were winning the rat race
along come faster rats.
Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com