Old and New Jokes

These two blondes were walking on different sides of the street when the blonde on the left side asked the blonde on the right side,How do you get to the other side? The right side blonde replys,You stupid b#$*& you are on the other side!

Q: How do you know a leper is playing ice hockey?

A: Theres a face-off in the corner.

Controversial Egans Law Expected to Gain Widespread Support

Trenton, N.J. (SatireWire.com) — Under a new law designed to protect minors, local police departments will now be required to inform residents any time a known Roman Catholic church moves into their neighborhood.

The law also mandates that Catholic churches register with authorities, wear electronic monitoring devices, and be prohibited from moving to within a half-mile radius of a school.

A follow-up to Megans Law, enacted by New Jersey in 1994, the so-called Egans Law is named for Cardinal Edward Egan of New York and Cardinal Bernard Law of Boston, who are both accused of covering up sexual abuse by priests under their authority. Like Megans Law, Egans Law is expected to spread quickly to other states, but for parents in towns across New Jersey, its on the books none too soon.

Last year, we discovered that a Catholic Church had been in our neighborhood for 30 years! And nobody told us! said Ruth Harper of Redbrook, N.J. My sons used to walk by that church every day on their way to school. Even now I shudder to think of what might have happened.

I always told my kids to steer clear of that place, added neighbor Scott Carlyle. But thats because there were a lot of strange people going in and out at odd hours, even at midnight on Saturdays. I was worried it was some kind of druggie hangout.

To think the whole time it was a Roman Catholic Church. Now I know why they had all those stained glass windows — so nobody could look in.

Critics, however, charge that Egans Law is unconstitutional, specifically because it relies on religious profiling and is intended to safeguard only one segment of the population: young males. But State Sen. Carmela Truto, a Catholic who co-sponsored the bill, used church doctrine itself to prove only one segment needs protection.

In the Catholic Church, after 2,000 years, Mary is still a Virgin, she said. So clearly, theyre not interested in girls.

Copyright © 2002, SatireWire.

You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonalds.

You save old kitchen appliances for target practice.

You save old kitchen appliances for childrens Christmas presents.

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

– Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

– Walt Disney didnt die. Hes in suspended animation.

– Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.

– Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

Q: Why cant the blonde make ice cubes?
A: She lost the recipe.

What did Clinton say when commenting on Monica?

She has the whitest teeth Ive ever cum across.

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?

To get to the second hand shop.

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, Honey, my hands are freezing!

She says, Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up.

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain Man! My hands are really freezing!

She says again, Well put them here between my legs and warm them up.

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.

When he returns, he again says, Honey, my hands are really freezing!

She looks at him and says, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DONT YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?

He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentines day to be special, so he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and it had arrived in time for the occasion.

On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration.

In a moment of
inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He added a card, and proceeded home.

When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them.

He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones.

Received from Stan Kegel.