During a get-together
at my sons house, he had prepared quite a feast. In spite of the extra
pounds Id gained the previous winter, I forged ahead and loaded my plate.
"Dad !" he said, eyeing my repast, "I thought you were
on a diet."
"I am!" I replied, "But I need all of this to give me
the strength to go on."
A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says Hey, how bout it? You and me, gettin it on. Ive got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money. She stands up and says, What makes you think I charge by the inch?
Terrorist training camps looked a lot nicer in the brochure
I didnt join the Taliban, I was interning for the Taliban
I lost a Super Bowl bet
Dazzled by the Taliban commercials that aired during one of Kathie Lees Ramadan specials
What kid doesnt grow up dreaming of being the next Mullah Omar?
Al Qaeda? Oh man, I thought I was fighting for Ralph Nader
Since when is fighting against your country with an evil terrorist regime considered treason?
Got tired of wearing clean clothes and not getting shot at
Like youve never joined an international terrorist ring!
Oh, I thought this was a paintball game
©MMI, Viacom Internet Services Inc.
A guy asks a LA girl out on a date after meeting her in a bar.
She says, What kind of car do you drive? He replies A VW Bug.
She scornfully says, Thats awfully small! and he replies,
Dont worry, Im not going to fuck you with the car.
(This joke is an old Croation/Balkan joke, involving a peasant farmer
with a small plot trying to get a woman to marry him.)
A young Jewish boy asks his father:
Dad, can you give me 10 pounds…?
The father says:
8 pounds ?….why do you need 6 pounds..?
IBM: Identical Blue Men
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was very strong and things went from bad to worse when one wing of the plane was struck by lightning.
One woman in particular lost it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
Im too young to die, she wails.
Then she yells,
Well, if Im going to die I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable. Ive had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman. Well, Im fed up with it. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?
For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare riveted at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
I can make you feel like a woman, he says.
Hes gorgeous. Tall, well built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation.
The stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, he extends his arm holding the shirt to the trembling woman and says.
Iron this.
Llegó a cierta ciudad un doctor chino, especialista en enfermedades venéreas, de esos que sólo están una semana y se anuncian como los mejores.
Un tipo que parecÃa que traÃa un zoológico en el miembro acude a la consulta y el médico le dice:
A vel, vamos a levisal ese pene. ¡Oh señol, yo tenel que sacal biopsia de esto! Saca la biopsia y después de una hora de estar en el laboratorio, sale y le dice al paciente:
Señol, a mà se me hace que se la mamo…
Órale, doctor, lléguele, yo no me rajo, le contesta el paciente sacándoselo del pantalón.
No señol, a mà se me hace que se la mamo a mochal, polque ya no silve, le informa el galeno oriental.
Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their secret base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilots story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasnt a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying you-did-not-see-a-base briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded the plane… only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Havanna!
Havanna who?
Havanna a wonderful time wish you were here!