Old and New Jokes

Before I bought an answering machine, I thought I didnt need one. Then
I started thinking up possible messages, and before long I had bought an
answering machine just so I could put my messages on it. Here they
are. There are plenty of them…

This is not an answering machine–this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling,
and a number where I can reach you, and Ill think about returning your
call.

Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy.
After the tone, leave your name and number, and well have an asshole
return your call as soon as possible.

I cant come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain.
Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of
them will get back to you.

I cant come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I dont remember. Id appreciate it if you could help
me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

Cmon…you can do it…just a little one. Thats the way…just a little
beep, just a little one. Cmon…good boy…here we go…like
this–beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, cmon…There you go!

Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.
Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you werent ready, we gave
it to Vanna White. Sorry.

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durways not here
right now, but if youll leave your name, number, and confession at the
tone, hell get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And
remember, confession doesnt count unless you confess all of your sins in
vivid, graphic detail!

I cant come to the phone right now because Im down in the basement
printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money,
or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name,
number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If youre from the
Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal.
[VOICE 2] Im sorry, Dave, I cant do that.

[For Shakespeare lovers only]
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and Ill get back to thee.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I cant come to the phone right now, so
after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about
your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following
words: orange…mother…unicorn…penis. Ill get back to you with my
diagnosis as soon as possible.

[Sung to the tune of Ride of the Valkyries]
Leave a message…leave a message….etc.

Next on Public Radio 91 well be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is
the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72….

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System.
This is only a test.

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not
the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Youre growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very
sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to
resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You
begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone…the telephone is next to an
answering machine…you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the
answering machine…you hear a beep….

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to
test: 5…4…3…2…1…

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money.
Ill get back to you as soon as its safe for you to come out of hiding.

Dont you do it! Dont you dare! I dont want to hear it! Dont you
beep! If you beep, Ill…dont even think about it!….Dont….!

I cant come to the phone now, so…hey–thats a nice phone you have
there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering
machines bothering you all the time…yes indeedy. Why dont you give me a
call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings…I might even play
my beep for you…

I cant come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the
phone now, I mean, like, Im at the phone NOW, recording this message, but
Im doing this NOW, while youre listening to it LATER, except for you I
guess its NOW, like, when youre listening to it…I mean, like, wait,
gosh. This is so confusing.

How do you leave a message on this thing? I cant understand the
instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch
this…YOW!!

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Todays
commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not…er…bear a…er…shalt not
witness thy…uh…neighbors ass, oh, I mean, false…er…shalt not
commit a bear…dern…

Hey. Enjoy.
Lindsey Durway

The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and Im really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didnt notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, Jesus Christ! as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!

Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldnt hear him very well, but it sounded like, Mother trucker, or Mothers from there. Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

Q: What is the last thing Jesus Christ said to the Teamsters?

A: Dont do anything till I get back.

[Brad, if you post this joke, do I need to worry about violence from
the 2 or 3 teamsters who know how to read?]

Source: my brother, who heard the joke working on a film in Los Angeles.

Ralph decides that maybe hed like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesnt have any feet or legs.
Ralph says out loud, Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?

I was born this way, says the parrot, Im a defective parrot.

Ha, ha, the guy laughs, it sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me.

I understood every word, says the parrot, I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.

Yeah? the guy asks, then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?

Well, the parrot says, this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked. Ill tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kinda like a little hook. You cant see it cause of my feathers.

Wow, says Ralph, you really do understand, dont you?

Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports physics, philosophy… and I am especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I am a great companion.

Ralph is shocked by the price tag, $2,000.00! I cant afford that!

Psst, the parrot hisses, motioning the guy closer with one wing.

Nobody wants me cause I dont have any feet. You can get me for $20 – just make the owner an offer.

So for $20 Ralph walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. Hes funny, hes interesting, hes a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. Ralph is delighted!

One day, Ralph comes home from work and the parrot says, Psst, and motions him over with one wing.

Ralph moves up close to the cage.

I dont know if I should tell you this or not, says the parrot, but its about your wife and the mailman…

What?! says Ralph, shocked.

Well, the parrot says, when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth.

What happened then? asks Ralph.

Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over, reports the parrot.

My God! Ralph says, then what?

Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts and slowing working his way down…

The parrot pauses for a long time.

Well, Ralph says frantically, what happened, what happened?

I dont know, says the parrot, I fell off my perch!

Top Ten Things NOT To Say On Your Anniversary

10. Today is our what?

9. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time we had sex this year. Heres a $5 gift certificate for McDonalds.

8. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, Ill take you to Pizza Hut if itll shut ya up.

7. Okay, lets celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

6. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

5. I thought we only celebrated important events?

4. Having sex doesnt count as a gift?

3. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

2. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about sex.

1. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

Whats blonde and has an IQ of 160?

A foursome!

Q: How many fat-cat factory owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The replacement bulbs have refused to cross the union picket lines.

A woman who is tired of having a guy hit on her says, Look … Im sorry, but Im just not your type. Im not inflatable

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You havent had a drivers license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You dont recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

In September, according to police in Junction City, Kan., David Bell, 30,
just released from jail for car theft, walked out the door and stole
another car to get home.