Old and New Jokes

Gordons Object Lifespan Theorem: No matter the amount of care given the purchased object, it will fuse/explode/disassemble within three days of warranty expiration.

World Wide Wait

Why is Ray Charles always smiling?

He doesnt know he is black!

Q: How do you drown a blonde?

A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Dont tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the drivers side of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
I cant believe how materialistic you lawyers are, he said. You are so focused on your possessions that you dont notice anything else.
How can you say such a thing? asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, Dont you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.
Ahhh! screamed the lawyer. Wheres my Rolex!"

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 118lbs., known to vary from 110 to 550lbs.
Occurence: Copious quantities throughout the world.
Physical properties: Surface usually covered with a painted field and a variety of esthers. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason. Melts when given special treatment. Bitter if incorrectly used. Found in states varying from virgin metal to common ore. Yields to pressure applied at correct points. Chemical properties: Has a genuine affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Absorbs great quantities of attention. VOLATILE: May explode without warning for no apparent reason. Insoluble in water, but activity greatly increased with alcohol. Most common uses: Primarily ornamental, especially in sports cars. Found to be a great aid to relaxation. Tests: Pure specimen turns rosey pink when discovered in its natural state. Turns green when placed next to a fresher specimen. Hazards: Hard to retain when left in inexperienced hands. Illegal (not to mention deadly) to possess more than one at a time.

There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?

My name is Elizabeth, the woman replied.

The intruder said, You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I cant kill you.

The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, What is your name?

My names Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth.

Bill Clinton is walking a dog around the White House lawn early one morning.

He walks it past the guards post, and the marine says Mr. President, is that a new dog?

Clinton smiles, and replies, Why yes, I got it for my wife.

The marine looks at the the dog, looks up with a smile and says, Excellent trade.

Un tipo gordo, calvo y con una pierna de palo necesitaba un disfraz para una fiesta, así que se contactó con una empresa asesora que enviaba disfraces por correo de acuerdo a las características de sus clientes. El hombre envió las suyas y luego de dos días recibió la respuesta:

Estimado señor, en vista de sus características (gordo, calvo y con una pierna de palo) decidimos enviarle este traje de pirata, que entre sus implementos incluye una pañoleta que tapará su calvicie, lo que junto con su panza y su pierna de palo completará un traje fantástico. Sin más nos despedimos:

Atte. Candy

El regordete hombre se indignó tanto, pensando que se burlaban de él, que envió una carta de reclamo y exigió que le enviaran otro disfraz. A los dos días recibió, junto con un paquete, la siguiente carta:

Estimado señor: Le rogamos nos disculpe por lo acaecido en la situación anterior, y esperamos le guste esta nueva alternativa: le enviamos un traje de sacerdote, que incluye una gorrita, del tipo que usa el santo Papa, que lucirá espectacular con su calvicie; además, una túnica que cubrirá su pierna de palo y, que junto con su panza, lucirá fantástica. Sin más por el momento, y esperando le guste nuestra nueva alternativa nos despedimos.

Atte. Candy

El obeso nuevamente se indignó y envió otra carta de reclamo. Luego de dos días recibió la siguiente carta, junto con un pequeño paquete:

Estimado señor, en vista de que no le gustaron nuestras dos alternativas anteriores, le enviamos nuestra última alternativa: un equipo que contiene una sartén y un kilo de azúcar. En la sartén derrita el azúcar formando caramelo; luego aplíquese el caramelo en todo el cuerpo y métase su pata de palo en el poto y se disfraza de manzana confitada. Sin más nos despedimos.

Atte. Candy

Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails?

Doctor: No! Throw them away like everybody else.