Old and New Jokes

If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

A scientist had been keeping a secret for over two decades — he had sucessfully cloned a human being.

He kept meticulous records, raising the clone-child in his laboratory until it was an adult. Then he made his plans to unveil his creation at a meeting of top scientists, held in the luxurious facilities of a high-rise hotel.

When the time for his presentation came, the scientist stepped to the podium. He presented his data — his pictures, his charts, his graphs — to an amazed audience. But suddenly, instead of waiting for his cue to come forward, the clone stood up where hed been sitting, and started shouting at the scientists assembled there.

This clone was an imaginative clone. He used language that would make a sailor blush, accusing his creator and all of his colleagues of the most amazing feats of perversion and vice.

Trying to regain control, the scientist ushered the clone out of the room and up to the roof of the hotel, where he hoped the clones shouts would go unheard.

The clone would not listen to reason. He attacked the scientists parentage, his sister, his mother….

Finally, the scientist snapped. He could bear it no longer. He rushed forward and with a mighty shove, pushed his creation off the roof of the hotel.

The police arrived promptly and arrested the scientist for making an obscene clone fall.

Q: Whats the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?


A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, Maybe Ill just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!
The shopkeeper said, By all means, be my guest. Maybe youll luck out and catch yourself a big one!
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, Damn it, this one isnt wearing any shoes either!

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his first visit to a big-city church.

When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral, Joe began.

You mean the parking lot, interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

I walked up the trail to the gate, Joe continued.

The sidewalk to the door, Charlie corrected him.

Inside the door, I was met by this dude, Joe went on.

That would be the usher, Charlie explained.

Well, the usher led me down the chute, Joe said.

You mean the aisle, Charlie said.

Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there, Joe continued.

Pew, Charlie retorted.

Yeah, recalled joe. Thats what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.

Ill get a world record for this.
Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
Hey theres no handles inside these car doors!
Gee, thats a cute tattoo.
Lets ask that group of basketball players for directions.
Heres my Kent state student ID.
Its fireproof.
Hes probably just hibernating.
What does this button do?
Im making a citizens arrest.
Can we get a vision plan?
So, youre a cannibal.
Its probably just a rash.
Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?
Are you sure the power is off?
Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
No, my shoes arent untied.
The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
What duck?
What do you mean, Ill be back?
Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different color?
Pull the pin and count to what?
Which wire was I supposed to cut?
I wonder where the mother bear is.
Ive seen this done on TV.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
Ill hold it and you light the fuse.
Whats that priest doing here?
You look just like Charles Manson.
Let it down slowly.
Rat poison only kills rats.
I hope they speak English.
OK, Ill go ahead and make your day.
It cant possibly rain for forty days and nights.
Ill get your toast out.
Give me liberty or give me death.
Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
Its strong enough for both of us.
That birthmark on your head looks like 999.
This doesnt taste right.
I can make this light before it changes.
Nice doggie.
I can do that with my eyes closed.
Ive done this before.
Well weve made it this far.
Thats odd.
Hey thats not a violin.
Ill just slip into the commuter lane for a second.
I dont think were in Kansas anymore.
You wouldnt hit a guy with glasses on, would you.
OK this is the last time.
Dont be so superstitious.
Now watch this.
This planet has an atmosphere just like on earth.

1. I be God. Don be dissin me.

2. Don be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib.

3. Don be callin me for no reason – homey don play dat.

4. Yall betta be in church on Sundee.

5. Don dis ya mama…an if ya know who ya daddy is, don dis him neither.

6. Don ice ya bros.

7. Stick to ya own woman.

8. Don be liftin no goods.

9. Don be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies.

10. Don be eyein ya homies crib, ride, or nothin.

A TV commercial Id like to see, but probably never will . . .

Wife: Honey! Honey! Im pregnant! Were going to have a baby!

Husband: Really? Are you sure? How do you know?

Wife: Well, because the rabbit finally died . . .

[Wife brings the Energizer(TM) rabbit by the ears into camera view.
Rabbit looks at camera, grins, and then dies (goes limp).]

Narrator: Energizer(TM) , It keeps going, and going, and going,
until its too late . . .

En un McDonalds, un tipo joven observa a una pareja de ancianos que entran a almorzar, y se da cuenta que el anciano ordena una hamburguesa, una orden de papas, un refresco y que pide un vaso extra.

Interesado, ve cómo el anciano divide la hamburguesa a la mitad y que cuenta las papas fritas: una para ella, una para él, otra para ella y otra para él, hasta dividirlas por igual. Después, el viejo llena el vaso vacío con la mitad del refresco. El setentón empieza a comer mientras la esposa lo vigila con las manos sobre su falda.

Acomedido, el muchacho se acerca a los ancianos y amablemente les pregunta que si no les importaría que les comprara otra hamburguesa, y así no tendrían que dividir esa. Pero el viejo le replica:

Nosotros llevamos 50 años de casados y cada cosa siempre la hemos dividido a la mitad, jovencito.

Dirigiéndose a la anciana, el chico le pregunta que cuándo iba ella a comer. La mujer le contesta:

Tengo que esperar mi turno para que él me preste la dentadura, hijito.