A guy was walking down a street in Ireland when a man approached from behind him and stuck a knife to the the guys throat.
Be you protestant or catholic, the assailant (sp?) asked.
The guy thought If I say Im catholic and hes protestant, Im a dead man. If I say Im protestant and hes catholic, Im a dead man.
After a little thought, the guy said, Im jewish, IM JEWISH.
Aha, the assailant said, I have to be the luckyest Arab in Ireland!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Red!
Red who?
Red peppers. Isnt that a hot one!
If 50% of adults are illiterate, how come Bill only got 43% of the vote?
Tommy OConnor went to confession and said, Forgive me father for I have sinned.
What have you done Tommy OConnor?
I had sex with a girl.
Who was it, Tommy?
I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin.
Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?
No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was.
Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?
No father, please forgive me for my sin.
Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha OKeefe.
No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was.
Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin.
So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting. What did ya get? asked Joseph.
Well I got 5 hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads.
A blonde went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again.
She did this several times and her neighbor that was watching her said: You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into your mail box.
The blonde answered, No, I am working on my computer and it keeps telling me that I have mail.
It was alovely summers day and a husband says to his wife, Lets you me and the dog go fishing! no! says the wife , You know I hate fishing.
So the husband replys,You have a choice, you either come fishing with me and the dog, give me a blowjob or take it up the arse. Ill give you 5mins to think about it while I go in the shed.
5mins later the husband returns and says well?..
Ill give you a blowjob replys his wife.
So the wife starts giving her husband a blowjob and comes up in disgust and says,your cock tastes of shit and stinks!
the husbands answers,yeah,well the dog didnt want to go either!
A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while shes deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitresss name tag on her shirt. Gee, thats nice. What did you name the other one?
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?
There this man who every half a hour goes outside and checks his mailbox, dont c anythink and starts booing. the guy next door say what u doing hes say my stupid computer keeps on saying ive got mail…
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, I hope you dont mind me asking, but how old do you think I am? About 35, was the reply. Im actually 47, the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker the same question, to which the reply was, Oh you look about 29? I am actually
47. That made her feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a womans age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age.
As there was no one around, the woman thought, What the hell, and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, Ok, You are 47.
Stunned the woman said, That was brilliant! How did you do that?
The old man replied, I was behind you in line at McDonalds!